She Dares To Say - #21: Authenticity Arena – No. 06

This content is free, but it takes time to create and upload each piece. If you enjoy this project would like to support it, please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to send a contribution via PayPal.

Support

You can also show your enjoyment without spending £££, by liking, commenting or sharing 😃

[Image description: Text ‘Authenticity Arena No. 06’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke highlighted segment]

Almaz note: Please do listen to the audio extract, while simultaneously following the text transcription, as it makes for a richer experience.

The audio recording (above) and transcript (below) represent five minutes from the middle of a 50-minute chat I had with ‘G’ a straight, Mauritian British, cis man, who, at the time of interview in February 2021 was 48, single, and living in London.

‘G’ was the first person who filled in the sexuality survey and booked in for an interview – we’re close friends, but hadn’t ever spent much time discussing sex in such depth. As such, our chat was a lot of fun, especially since ‘G’ shared so generously, and without inhibition, about his dating habits and preferences.

‘G’ – 31:42mins
So, sexuality is a commodity in that sense, isn’t it? I pay for a dating app.

Almaz – 31:51mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 31:51mins
It can give you the edge.

Almaz – 31:53mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 31:51mins
With Tinder, you get 50 swipes a day, maybe. And you get one ‘super like’, and then they have lots of different tiers. They have, like, your ‘Tinder Plus’, ‘Tinder Gold’, ‘Tinder Black’. There’s hundreds of different tiers where you can put yourself ahead of the curve. And if you do normal Tinder, you don’t appear on that person you swiped with at all. So you get pushed down the list. You know, that’s a commodity.

Almaz – 32:34mins
Yeah. And…

‘G’ – 31:35mins
Commodisiting it…

Almaz – 32:37mins
How does it make you feel knowing that because you’ve paid money, you’re showing up on potential matches’ algorithms, more than someone who hasn’t paid for it.

‘G’ – 32:42
[sighs] I don’t like it. But people pay to develop these things. It’s a service, they need to make money somehow. And I pay for it. I pay for the Hinge one because I think it’s a bargain, for what it gets. On Hinge you only get six matches a day.

Almaz – 32:50mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 32:50mins
Or ten matches a day. I can go through the whole of it. This sounds horrible, but I can go through the whole of Hinge. I can do it so that everyone within seven, eight miles, I’ve swiped on. And then I have a steady stream of people coming through. Which I wouldn’t get if I was only getting ten people.

Almaz – 33:17mins
Interesting!

‘G’ – 33:19mins
Does that make sense?

Almaz – 33:20mins
Yes, it does! So I…

‘G’ – 33:21mins
Because I pay £18 for three months.

Almaz – 33:25mins
Okay.

‘G’ – 33:26mins
And then… I can… if you don’t pay you can only swipe ten people a day. And then they won’t see you because you’re not paying.

Almaz – 33:35mins
Yeaaah.

‘G’ – 33:38mins
It’s a… dating is a numbers game.

Almaz – 33:44mins
That’s interesting! So…

‘G’ – 33:45mins
Dating is a numbers game. Totally a numbers game. Because, erm, and the older you get, the more of a numbers game it is, you know. I like a specific type of girl. You know… I think the sweet spot for me at the moment is 35 to 38/39.

Almaz – 34:07mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 34:07mins
That’s the sweet spot for me when it comes to dating.

Almaz – 34:10mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 34:10mins
But if I don’t lie about my age… I put it in at 44, the moment it goes up to 45, their matching their age range won’t go in it, because most 38… 36, 37, 38… most 38, 39-year-olds put a dating range of 36 to 45.

Almaz – 34:27mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 34:29mins
So I’m out of that.

Almaz – 34:31
I actually…

‘G’ – 34:32mins
Does that make sense?

Almaz – 34:32mins
Yes! I am going to be talking… mmm… Again, I’ve got to be careful what I say because of anonymity.

So, I had a really interesting conversation in the summer with someone who I had previously hooked up with, who is over 50. And we ended up having a bit of a clashing of horns, because he also lied about his age, due to ‘aging out’.

‘G’ – 35:07mins
Yeah.

Almaz – 35:07mins
And I find this really, really, really interesting because he is someone who is really successful, really attractive. And also, he’s someone that I have hooked up with before and hooked up with again, like, in the autumn – and, you know me, so I’m 32 now – but this is someone that there’s quite a large age gap. But I think it's really interesting that both you and him have really said that it’s really difficult for someone who’s older on apps.

‘G’ – 35:45mins
Yeah. Because, erm… This is where I might offend you.

Almaz – 35:53mins
No, no!

‘G’– 35:53mins
I dunno, I dunno, ‘cause you’ve got to be careful here, okay, because you’re gonna hear things in these interviews that sound offensive, and are offensive and really shallow.

Almaz – 36:07mins
Yeah.

‘G’– 36:07mins
Very shallow.

Almaz – 36:08mins
Yeah.

‘G’ – 36:08mins
Okay. I’ve dabbled with going out with women, 44 to 47… 42 to 47. Urm, get on well, but attractiveness, just not into them. Unlucky.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES FOR ANOTHER 15 MINUTES]

[Image description: White speech box with black border shadows. Black text ‘As part of my research for my book, I’m running an anonymous online sexuality survey’. Dark orange text ‘bit.ly/ao_sexsurvey’. Black text ‘Anyone over 18 can fill it in, wherever you are in the world.’ Picture of coloured rectangles placed at angles with black border shadows. White text ‘Do you have guilt or shame around desire, sex or pleasure? Why/why not? Do you support compulsory sex and relationships education?’ on top rectangle]

The sexuality survey is still open, so in the meantime please do fill in/share it as all of the responses are helping me make connections between the ways in which we’ve been socialised and our relationship to sexuality.

Take Survey

[Image description: Text ‘POSTSCRIPT’ on a navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

The ‘POSTSCRIPT’ segment for paid subscribers will drop on Wednesday 13 July. To receive this extra mailout, you’ll need to upgrade to a paid subscription.

[Image description: Text ‘PRODUCED BY’ on navy blue background with a lilac paintbrush stroke]

I’m Almaz Ohene, a Creative Copywriter, Freelance Journalist and Accidental Sexpert.
Follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. 

Journalism mid-year round-up:
– ‘Young, Black Directors Are Leading A New Wave Of British Films’, Refinery29
– ‘Saara El-Arifi speaks about her debut fantasy trilogy’, The Bookseller
– ‘How To Empower Yourself To Set Sexual Boundaries’, ‘The Truth’ from Badoo
– ‘The History of Pornography’, ‘LustZine’ from ErikaLust
– ‘Setting boundaries for casual dating’, Feeld
– ‘How to spot - and change - your negative dating patterns’, Feeld
– ‘How colonialism affects sexuality’, Feeld
– ‘Why You Don’t Need To Play It Cool On Dates’, ‘The Truth’ from Badoo
– ‘Dating apps have created a culture of entitlement’ Mashable

Available for commissions. Info via almazohene.com/contact-faqs.

If you enjoy this content and would like to support please consider becoming a paid subscriber of ‘She Dares to Say’.

If you would prefer to make a one-off donation, feel free to also send a contribution via PayPal.

Support