Crooked Media - What A Day: The pillow case

- King Charles III, attempting to use a pen

The Russian Army is not having a great week. Its forces are depleted and morale is low. Putin can no longer pretend that he and his military are all-powerful. Poor little rich boy.

• Putin’s powerful propaganda machine is on the fritz. Russia has ceded 9,000 square kilometers of territory back to Ukraine. Unbelievably, on state television, which is tightly controlled by the Kremlin, pundits have begun speculating that the war ain’t looking so good for Russia. They stop short of blaming Putin himself, which will certainly be remembered when they end up in The Gulag. The chorus of experts calling out the Kremlin over the war includes over 60 deputies in municipalities all over Russia, who have signed a petition demanding Putin’s resignation. Unsurprisingly, many of them have been arrested for the crime of “discrediting the war.” Ohhhh, so look who’s using the W-word now!
   
• But it doesn’t take a municipal deputy to realize that this rapid loss of territory is a very bad sign for Putin. Russian military analyst Michael Kofman stated, “The Russian military’s approach is fundamentally unsustainable. Russian forces face exhaustion, retention problems, and a steady degradation of combat effectiveness.” This big reversal in the war has also been referred to as “the culminating point,” meaning the moment in which an attacking force can no longer proceed. This might be a different story if Russia had any friends to help or send aid, but it’s hard to imagine North Korea or Armenia being as helpful as the whole of the Western world.
   
• But what about the Russian soldiers? Well, some that haven’t died in a useless war are continuing to voice concerns. Intel has noted that Russia has paused plans to send more soldiers to the front lines, because many of their current troops are refusing to fight, and some have even surrendered their military benefits in order to resign. In audio released by Ukraine’s defense ministry, a Russian soldier is heard saying to a relative, “I imagined all of this differently because there’s no kind of organization. I thought there was an army here, but it’s not an army here.”

Meanwhile, the good news out of Ukraine is beginning to feel less like propaganda and more like a turn of the tide. If you thought Ukraine might be playing coy at this point, you would be wrong.

• Short king Volodymyr Zelensky said on Wednesday that Ukrainian forces were most definitely “moving towards victory.” Vague, but inspiring nonetheless. He added of the newly recaptured areas that “remnants of occupiers and sabotage groups are being detected, collaborators are being detained, and full security is being restored.” Further fueling the country’s glee is the fact that nearly three-million metric tons of crops have been exported from the country since ports reopened in July. Plus there’s this video of Ukrainian soldiers finding abandoned tanks and channeling Oprah by declaring, “You and I get a tank! We all get a tank each!”
   
• But Ukraine isn’t just feeling optimistic about its chances in the current war. It has also pledged to take back control of the Crimean peninsula, which has been in Russian hands since 2014. The U.S. and President Biden, however, have a much more sober view of the war, and caution that full liberation will be a long haul. That might be the public statement, but it’s clear the U.S. senses the optimism and may be close to delivering the battle tanks and infantry fighting vehicles that Ukraine has long been requesting.

Get excited because X-Ray Vision is launching its first ever merch collection, available now at the Crooked Store! Superfans, we see you. And we see your long Reddit posts about middle earth. This merch drop is all about celebrating our fandom. Grab a tote or a tee featuring an illustration by artist and comic book colorist Felipe Sobreiro. At Crooked, we’re superfans of voting, so as always, a portion of the proceeds from every order in the Crooked Store will go to VoteRiders, the leading organization focused on Voter ID. 

Head to crooked.com/store to check it out!

History’s most disgusting strip tease continued Tuesday as a federal judge unsealed a little more of the FBI affidavit used to search disgraced former president Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home. The newly revealed portions show that the Feds subpoenaed surveillance footage of the storage room where boxes of White House records had been stowed. The video could provide key evidence that “government records were likely concealed and removed from the Storage Room and that efforts were likely taken to obstruct the government’s investigation,” according to DOJ.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Trump’s Hot Consequences Summer, court documents out of New York show that Trump tried to move last month’s judge-ordered deposition with Attorney General Letitia James (D-NY) from her office to Trump Tower. The reason, according to Trump, was that the Secret Service had security concerns about the A.G.’s office. USSS, however, was surprised by Trump’s claim, probably because it was a lie. Barbara A. Res, a former Trump Organization construction executive, suggested the venue move would allow Trump to have more authority adding, “It’s his desk, with chairs all around. It puts him at a very superior position.” His relocation scheme failed, and the interview took place on James’s turf, where he finally did the honest thing and pleaded the Fifth hundreds of times.

• “Strong guy, tough guy” Dan Bolduc has won the GOP primary in New Hampshire. Many believe this is the Dems’ best chance to hold an endangered Senate seat, thanks to the “Too Trumpy” candidate. Oh, also the small fact that the incumbent, Sen. Maggie Hassan (D-NH), has raised $7.3 million compared to Bolduc’s $0.084 million. That’s 86 times more money for anyone without a calculator. And 86 is exactly what she plans to do to Bolduc’s campaign.
   
• A looming rail strike threatens to cripple the nation's supply chain unless rail companies and multiple railroad worker unions can reach an agreement by Friday. Nine of 11 unions involved have agreed to a deal but there are two holdouts which represent nearly half of all rail workers. Absent a deal, the U.S. is looking at approximate losses of $2 billion a day in addition to no Amtrak service in much of the country.
   
• Conspiracy theorist and gravel-eater Alex Jones’s trial began Tuesday, and his lawyer STARTED by admitting that Jones “says outrageous things,” which I believe is legalese for “is a liar.” He also says Jones’s “haters want him silenced.” Putting your haters on blast might be a good tactic in a rap battle, but when it’s your lawyer’s best defense, you know you’re about to lose another $50 million.
   
• The man who takes the “cute” out of prosecutor, Ken Starr, is Whitewater-rafting in Heaven. Good news for Trump, though, as he’ll finally be invited to a funeral.
   
• West Virginia has passed a sweeping abortion ban with few exceptions, even though the entire state only has ONE abortion clinic. The law will exempt victims of rape only for the first eight weeks of the pregnancy, and only after reporting the crime to law enforcement. The bill won’t go into effect until it is signed by Gov. Jim “Loves to Sign Abortion Ban Bills” Justice (R-WV).
   
• An Iowa child who killed her alleged rapist has been forced to pay the rapist's family $150,000. Keep in mind that this girl was 15 when she killed the man she accuses of sex trafficking her. Something tells me her inevitable GoFundMe will more than take care of the $150k.
   
• The Queen’s coffin tour has rolled back to Westminster, where she will lie in state until her funeral on Monday. The lines to see her stretch for miles, so if you’re already in line, stay in line!
   
• Three more doofi were found guilty of several offenses for January 6thishness, including one man who famously pinned an officer against a wall and “left him defenseless to other rioters.” These convictions are getting more severe, with longer sentences, so now I’m glad we’re saving Trump for last.
   
• Mike Lindell got his phone confiscated at Hardee’s by the FBI and lives to Tweet Truth Social about it.
   
• The Parkland shooter's defense abruptly rested halfway through its witness list. I mean, it makes sense. We all knew this would be a tough win.

A new blood test currently being offered at St. Elizabeth Hospital in Fort Thomas, KY, can scan for 50 different cancers at once. Currently, there are only screenings available for breast, cervical, colon, lung, and prostate cancer, and they must be conducted one at a time. "This test is very good at picking up cancers where we don't currently have good screening options, such as ovarian or pancreatic cancer," Jaime Grund, M.S., Director of St. Elizabeth Precision Medicine and Breast Centers, said in a statement. Currently, 70 percent of cancer deaths are from cancers that don't have effective screening, so the importance of this type of screening can’t be overstated. The test is currently only being offered to patients over 50, even though the number of patients under 50 is increasing dramatically. Another drawback is that the test is not covered by insurance and will cost each patient nearly $1000 out of pocket. There are currently quite a few trials going on in the United States that offer to screen for multiple cancers in a single test but have not yet received FDA approval. The new blood tests are central to Cancer Moonshot, which is a White House initiative to cut the number of cancer deaths in half over the next 25 years.

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Prosecutors say that Adnan Syed of Serial infamy should be released and his conviction should be vacated. If you’re wrongfully convicted of murder, it would be a good idea to get a good lawyer or at least a good podcaster in your corner.

Two antibodies found in Israel can fight ALL COVID-19 strains and may eliminate the need for more boosters. Now what are the wife and I supposed to do on date night?!

Paging Texas. California’s giant new batteries kept the lights on during its heatwave.

Ralph Warnock is outpolling Herschel Walker by six points in Georgia’s Senate race. Walker will need a touchdown to have any chance of staying in this game.