Hi! Good to see you back! This is part 2 of the Zen Mode series about how to control and regulate emotions. It is very important that you read the first part and you can read it here-

This essay shall focus on a few things that I have learnt through experience, reading, and shared wisdom from others. Please note that this is not a substitute for professional advice and you should consider these activities after seeing it suitable for you.

You can read the short version on Instagram on my profile-

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Here are the methods and ways to regulate emotions and feelings. Please ensure that you have the basics right before you try them.

Third-person view/ Objective view-

Look at the situation and the acts in the third person. See the facts and try to assess the situation from a neutral perspective. The thoughts that you have about that situation or act of yours might be exaggerated because of your biases or self-criticism. If you look at them from a different perspective, it might help to zoom out and you might even realize that you were looking at the matter from a very exaggerated perspective which was never the case. If it involves another person, it is always a good idea to ask them if it is possible to.

This step can also involve looking at yourself from a neutral view and observing yourself. For example, a friend of mine abused me aggressively for making fun of him. He normally does not abuse. My instinct would be to feel bad and be shocked that he is trying to threaten me and not interested in continuing to be friends. However, if I try to assess the situation, I might be able to notice that this is an unusual situation and there must be something wrong for him to react in such a different and instinctive way. It would not only save the relationship but also help him to face his situation as I would be able to ask and inquire about it.

Summary- try to look at the situation from a neutral and a third person perspective. It would help you to see things differently and can have a good impact on your thought process as well as emotions.

Talking to yourself

It is something that each of us has done at one point or other. We do talk to ourselves- loudly or in our minds. But when we talk to ourselves, we tend to be harsh, cruel, and extra critical. It is something as basic as failing a test and the self-talk goes something like this-

“ Harsh, you are a miserable person. You had one job to pass the test and failed miserably. You are a loser and there is no hope for you.”

This may sound great and a real way of self-criticism but criticism never targets the person. It always targets the act. Secondly, when you talk to yourself, you should talk as if you are talking to your loved ones. Would you say the same thing to them? How would you react if your best friend, who was preparing for an exam for months, failed to clear it? Would you be this harsh and rude? No. You would support them and make sure that they do not feel as if it is the end of the world.

This is exactly what you need to do. Yes, you do need to know and realize that somewhere your efforts did not give you the results that you expected but instead of going the labeling way, try to analyze how you can be better and while you do that, be kind and generous to yourself. Never label yourself as a type of person or something. Do not jump to conclusions. That is never helpful.

Summary- Talk to yourself in a kind and gentle way. Never label yourself with adjectives and do not judge yourself. Try to address the issue and talk about the issue as being something that you need to deal with. Also, be kind to yourself and talk to yourself as you would talk to your loved one who is facing difficulty.

Face the fear-

Each of our fears stems from one basic fear that is ingrained in us- the fear of death. If you feel afraid, then it is probably because somewhere, you are feeling that the thing or person is a threat to your safety and life. However, most of the things that we are generally afraid of are not threatening.

Let us say that I am afraid of injections. Now, injections can not kill me. They are usually in the hands of a trained person who knows exactly where to put it and what to do with it, either extracting blood or injecting something that is going to be helpful to me. I know this but I would not be able to face it because somewhere, an attitude or an experience would have been very different and lead me to be afraid of it. I can either escape the idea of injection and come up with a different option every time or face it. Of course, the easiest thing is to look for alternatives and that is probably why I took the COVID vaccine very late. ( Not really, Cowin!) But when I did take the two doses, I realized that it is a very normal thing and has nothing that would make me afraid of it. In fact, I was previously so phobic of it that if someone played a scene or showed me a picture having needles, I would look away. But when things like vaccines had to be taken, I had no choice but to face my fear. I was afraid the first time but the second time, it felt like a no big deal. Gradual warming up and facing them bit by bit builds your confidence and you feel that the fear is leaving you too.

The idea is to see what substance is there in the fear. Why do you have that and how rational is it? The book I have referred to while writing this essay- “ Why has nobody told me this before?” has an instance where the author is supremely scared of being on the leaning tower of Pisa that she could not enjoy it until they were leaving and descending from there. It is understandable. The tower is built in a way that it feels like you are falling so you would be afraid. But she then realized the stance and while returning, she was okay.

Summary-Most of our fears like stage fear, a fear of something specific like needles, or doing some acts like approaching a crush stems out of the ingrained fear of death which manifests itself in different forms. If we start facing our fears in a gradual and supportive way, we can get rid of them sooner or later.

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Journaling-

There are hundreds of people who would have told you this and it is indeed a great way to keep a check on your emotions and also know yourself better. Just to restate the logic, journaling would help you to see how you react in a particular situation, what situations evoke what emotions in you, and it would also help you to make a list of things that make you feel better and the things that make you feel distressed or uncomfortable.

That is all good, but how do I journal or when do I journal? A simple answer- whenever you feel like that there is a lot going in your head and you need to clear your mind. However, it is important to journal major life events in some way or other so that you know what exactly you felt and you can also revisit it at some later stage. This would make you discover yourself better. There is also gratitude journaling that is present. You can do that every time you want to be happy and feel grateful. I did that when I underwent counseling but I saw that my days had more or less the same things so it did not work for me when I did it everyday.

Summary- A journal is a great place to refer to and store your emotions. It would be your guide to see what makes you feel what emotion and you would also be well prepared to see how things would turn out in a particular situation. Make sure that you write something whenever you are overwhelmed or intensely feeling something. This would help you to revisit that event better in future and also have better memories of good events while it would clear your mind for the bad ones.

_To be Continued_

(article divided into smaller parts for easy reading)