The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section...

Careers

HIRING GUTSY TWEETER: Ticketmaster is hiring a social media director, noting that the candidate should be “brave” and “resilient.” The job posting did not say whether the role comes with perks like private security or Swiftie-proof locks for your doors.

ISO REAL BEAR HUGGER: The New Mexico Department of Fish and Game is hiring a “bear hugger” to help relocate “problem” animals, including bears. The listing said someone with the courage to crawl into a bear den would be a great candidate…so if you’re considering applying for the Ticketmaster role, this also might be a good fit.

Personal

ROCKS LOOKING FOR A GOOD HOME: The London Metal Exchange realized that bags it had thought were filled with nickel were actually filled with worthless stones. The lost nickel was worth roughly $1.3 million, representing 0.14% of its nickel inventories. Luckily, the exchange found some clueless kindergarteners who are impressed by everything to trade with.

ISO TOUGH BATTLES: Elden Ring’s players attempted to defeat Malenia 329 million times, the most out of all bosses, the game’s publisher revealed. And the No. 1 reaction to losing to Malenia was…nvm we can’t repeat that kind of language in the newsletter.

For sale

FRESH COAT FOR YOUR FRONT YARD: Homeowners are painting their lawns green as the cost to keep grass healthy-looking is getting more expensive. Dads will do anything to make their neighbors jealous.

DISGRACED PUFFER VEST: Merch promoting failed companies like SVB and FTX are raking in bids on resale sites like eBay and Facebook Marketplace. We’re still searching for our white whale: a RadioShack bucket hat.—MM

This munchkin is one of the three hatchlings fathered by a radiated tortoise named Mr. Pickles, who, at 90 years old, became a dad for the first time this week in Houston. That Mr. Pickles and Mrs. Pickles (53) had little turtle babies at all surprised Houston Zoo officials because the radiated tortoise is a critically endangered species that rarely reproduces. Plus, did we mention that Mr. Pickles is 90?

The hatchlings are named Dill, Gherkin, and Jalapeño. It’s not clear which one is shown in this photo, but that sure looks like a Gherkin.

Here are some illuminating scientific discoveries from the week to help you live better and maybe even reduce the carbon footprint of your order at the bar.

Just add water (and get beer). German brewery Klosterbrauerei Neuzelle says it’s created the world’s first powdered beer, and you can watch it dissolve into a lager complete with foam. But this is more than a party trick: The brewer says powdered beer will make shipping both cheaper and more environmentally friendly since water accounts for most of beer’s weight. For now, the powdered brew is more of a competitor to O’Doul’s than Paulaner since it’s nonalcoholic, but the brewery is confident it’ll eventually be able to roll out a boozy version.

Empathy may be older than we thought. New research on zebra fish suggests that humans’ ability to empathize with one another may go all the way back to before people and fish evolved from a common ancestor some 450 million years ago. To conduct their experiments, scientists freaked out a whole bunch of fish and found that the fish could sense another fish’s fear and would then get scared themselves. This cycle of anxious fish depended on oxytocin, the chemical commonly known as the “love hormone,” that’s also linked to human empathy.

Your ears have bad “bidar.” People are bad at recognizing bisexual men by their voices alone, a recent study determined. While study participants could correctly identify the sexuality of gay and straight men at a rate “greater than chance” by listening to recordings of them talking, the same wasn’t true for bi guys. Bisexual men were judged to be the “most masculine sounding” and misperceived to be exclusively attracted to women. But both the speakers and listeners in the study were Australian, so we don’t know whether the trend holds for people who don’t say naur.—AR

Is $250,000 a lot of money? Well, it depends on how badly you wanted those Taylor Swift tickets…but some say it’s too low a cutoff for government-insured bank deposits.

The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) only insures deposits up to the $250k mark, which hasn’t been boosted since 2008. But following the implosion of Silicon Valley Bank (SVB) and Signature Bank this month, some lawmakers are questioning whether it’s time to raise the limit again—or even make all deposits insurable. Meanwhile, others caution any change could lead to riskier behavior from banks.

Why $250k isn’t looking like much right now

SVB and Signature specialized in corporate clients, with most account balances exceeding $250k. So, regulators threw the cap out the window to protect depositors. Authorities said they made customers whole so those customers could pay their employees and avoid falling behind on their bills.

The aim was to reassure clients of all US banks that there was no need to empty their accounts and ultimately cause bank runs. This tactic has (so far) calmed depositors across the banking system, and no other banks have joined SVB and Signature in the shut-down-by-regulators club.

The case for raising the cap

A group of midsize banks wrote to regulators last weekend, asking them to expand FDIC coverage to cover deposits in full for two years. They say that temporarily abolishing the limit would “restore confidence” in smaller banks.

Meanwhile, former FDIC Chair Sheila Bair suggested the government temporarily impose a full guarantee only for corporate accounts to safeguard businesses and prevent them from ditching smaller banks for larger ones.

Far-reaching measures like systemwide guarantees or long-term changes to deposit insurance would require congressional approval, though, and Congress started considering its options this week:

• Progressive Sen. Elizabeth Warren called permanently raising the FDIC cap a “good move,” saying it would help protect small businesses and nonprofits with cash stashed in wobbly banks. The million-dollar question for Warren is, what should the new insurance cutoff be? “Is it $2 million, is it $5 million, is it $10 million?” She asked rhetorically on Face the Nation.
• Conservative Sen. Mike Rounds said it’s worth examining whether inflation may have rendered the current limit too low.

The opposition to changing the status quo

Critics say raising the insurance limit forces the FDIC (and, ultimately, all the member banks that pay into it) to deal with the fallout from some banks’ risky choices.

• The Wall Street Journal editorial board argues that without the risk of a depositor panic, banks would have nothing stopping them from being reckless with customers’ cash. It also claims that expanded deposit insurance would make businesses less vigilant about choosing a bank with sound risk management.
• Republican Sen. Cynthia Lummis of Wyoming said she’s unwilling to vote for insuring all deposits as it could make smaller banks in her state (which have a majority of insured depositors) pay higher dues into the FDIC insurance fund.

The hardline conservative House Freedom Caucus agrees. It recently vowed to oppose any attempt to pass expanded deposit coverage.

Looking ahead…it’s unclear whether higher deposit guarantees will become enshrined in law anytime soon. In the meantime, regulators have said they’ll backstop more deposits in an emergency, continuing their efforts to prevent bank panics by convincing folks they’ll be safe in a bank panic.—SK

Meal prep: Egg drop soup, if only for the fun challenge of learning how to pour the egg in.

Book club: Five books on artificial intelligence, recommended by ChatGPT.

Pod rec: The NYT’s film critic on why he’s done with movies.

Playlist: Mesmerizing DJ set by Eelke Kleijn performing at a castle in France (YouTube).

Smart purchase: NFC tags are little stickers that you can set up with different functions that activate when you tap them with your phone.

Tech tip: This TikTok shows you how to use those NFC tags so guests can tap to activate the wi-fi (may not work for iPhone, per comments).

Life hack: Deep-clean pillows after watching this video. (Warning: It’s going to be gross.)

Productivity tip: A good joke about Gen Z productivity.

Money, please: With Upside’s free app, you can earn cash back on gas, groceries, and meals at restaurants. Brew readers score an extra 25¢/gal back on their first tank of gas with code MORNINGBREW25.*

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It’s a big world out there. In this section, we’ll teleport you to an interesting location—and hopefully give you travel ideas in the process.

In Friday’s newsletter, we mentioned that more people are using TV show settings as travel inspo. So, might as well lean into the trend, right?

The TV show we’re using as inspiration is HBO’s Succession, and the location is Norway—specifically, Atlantic Ocean Road, where parts of this season (which begins tonight) were shot.

This five-mile stretch of road on Norway’s western coast has been called one of the best road trips in the world. Opened in 1989, Atlantic Ocean Road has eight bridges that whisk you across multiple scenic islands and offer pitstops so you can hop out of the car and take in the gorgeous landscape (or fish or go diving, if you prefer some activity).

Atlantic Ocean Road might be news to us, but it’s well known to filmmakers: James Bond drove his Aston Martin across it in No Time to Die, and it’s also been used as a setting for car commercials.

Make the last leg of your Norweigan road trip a stay at the luxurious Juvet Landscape Hotel, an eco-resort featured in the sci-fi flick, Ex-Machina.—NF

Last week we asked: What would be the easiest way for an alien species to win over humanity and make us their allies? The best responses:

• “Provide everyone 100% surefire Bluetooth connectivity.”—Steve from Bothell, WA
• “In-house laundry services for all.”—Damon from Dallas, TX
• “Show us the way to a perfect March Madness bracket.”—Anonymous from NC
• “Get rid of hangovers.”—Darren from Atlanta, GA
• “Using advanced extraterrestrial technology to help us teleport furniture instantly rather than breaking our backs once every few years.”—Oliver from Atlanta, GA
• “A sworn promise to lower sound levels for all ads & promos.”—Anonymous

This week’s question

What category has never had a March Madness-style bracket but needs one?

Matty’s answer to get the juices flowing: I need to know which musical number from an early-2000s Disney movie was the best. Of course, the two finalists are obvious—Lizzie McGuire’s performance of “This is What Dreams are Made Of” in Rome and the massive budget high school theater final number in Lindsay Lohan’s Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen.

Share your response here.

As pandemic protections end, 14 million people could lose Medicaid coverage. Read how insurers are preparing for the biggest disenrollment event ever.

AI is hot right now, and so is AI-related legal action. Check out the most recent generative AI lawsuits here.

Join CFO Brew on Thursday, March 30, for a free virtual event about quantifying and qualifying workplace financial risks.