I’m a middle-aged, straight, white man and I keep wondering, “Why are men like me so angry?” Somehow we have the most privilege, yet no one seems more upset. If you don’t believe me, just watch Newsmax or listen to any podcast sponsored by Dollar Shave Club.

My theory: It’s because we don’t cry and we don’t dance.

Ladies are letting a lot of stuff go that we just keep pushing down. Some examples:

(Note: Stereotypes ahead. I realize not all men or women make identical choices. Still, decades of watching standup comedy has taught me “men are like this, women are like that” is an irresistible premise. So just imagine there’s an “on average” in parentheses for all this.)

Women can cry at the movies. Men watch the montage in “Up” – y’know, the one that tells the life story of that old couple – and just have to bottle it all up. Tears? Nah, instead we make a face like a toddler trying not to go the bathroom. We push it down.

Women can go out dancing in a group. Four ladies show up at the club and the door guy’s like, “Right this way!” Four dudes show up at the club and he’s like, “Sorry, fellas. You’ll just ruin it for everyone.” Also, women get to twirl on the dance floor. They get a 360-degree view. Men never get to twirl so we have no idea what’s behind us. It’s very stressful.

Women can make eye contact with each other. That’s why they love brunch and book clubs. Men can’t stare into each other’s eyes. It’s why we play video games and watch sports; we need to sit side-by-side. We push it down.

The only time men can make eye contact is at the weigh-in of a fight. We’ll look each other in the eye as long as we know we’re going to throw hands immediately afterwards.

Women have seasonal drinks like rosé and the pumpkin spice latte. Men don’t get anything seasonal except for the McRib, the culinary equivalent of throwing hands.

Ladies can go to the bathroom together and it’s like, “Aw, they’re best friends.” If dudes go to the bathroom together, it’s like, “I hope they’re doing drugs. 🤞 Seriously, I need to use that stall next.” So we push it down.

Katy Perry sang, “I kissed a girl” and the world responded, “Hot!” Meanwhile, there were rumors Tom Cruise was gay so he jumped on Oprah’s couch and declared his (manic) heterosexual love, as if to say, “I never kissed a guy. I swear!” Classic pushing it down.

The list goes on: Men don’t have spa days, rate outfits at the Met Gala, get manicures, or take selfies at sunset. In fact, we can’t even look at a sunset because we’re afraid it might turn into a rainbow. So we push it all down.

The volcano erupts

The problem with pushing stuff down is, well, you don’t let it go. And then it all just sits there, in a pit in your stomach, bubbling around, like a volcano filled with resentment, until one day it erupts and you’re like, “I need to join Reddit! That’s where the other sad, lonely men who wear camo and Oakley sunglasses hang out. Together, we’ll spend all day exchanging comments about stuff like the M&Ms being too woke. And then one day we’ll meet up at the Capitol and throw fire extinguishers at police officers because our wives won’t have sex with us anymore.” 

That’s what you get when you spend your life pushing it down.

But why? Why are men like this? It’s because we don’t want to seem weak.

Why? Because we think that if we seem weak, women won’t want to have sex with us. 

Why do we think that? Well, because it’s true.

And that’s where things get a bit complicated. Because it means women are, to some degree, also responsible for men’s inability to be vulnerable. Society may impose unfair body standards on women, but it imposes unfair emotional standards on men. And what women like is a big reason why.

I’m not talking about what women claim to want. I’m talking about what actually attracts women. Subconscious evolutionary desires may not get a ton of Likes on social media, but we all see which men are getting laid the most – and it’s not male nurses or male kindergarten teachers. It’s finance bros, DJs, drug dealers, athletes, narcissists, and tough guys. Women say they want nice guys and then they sleep with bad boys. I know, sounds like something Andrew Tate would say. But that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

Follow the incentives. You know how every dollar you spend is a vote for more of that thing? Well, every time a woman chooses to have sex with a man, it’s a vote for more of his behavior in the universe. We endorse what we embrace.

So what’s the solution?

If women truly want men to be less toxic, they need to be more attracted to men who are vulnerable, harmless, and safe. That’s how you teach men to behave in a non-toxic way. If you see an honest, sensitive man who is crying in public, go, “Come home with me, sad boy.” It’s like Gandhi said: Be the change you want to see in your vagin@.

I’m not saying it’s all on you, ladies. Obviously, men can do better. My suggestion for dudes: Take 🍄, stand up straight, watch the original Sex and the City, stop playing video games, master something (anything!), be respectful (but not a pushover), learn how to ask good questions, put your phone down, and listen.

As for women, your words will carry more weight if you back them up with desire. For example: The poster child for toxic masculinity in our culture these days is the police officer. At every BLM rally, I saw women chanting, “All cops are bastards.” Yet the headliner at every male strip club is a guy dressed up as a police officer. There, no one is calling him a bastard. Instead, it’s, “Mmm. Cuff me, officer.”

If you want to show men a better path, turn that around…

Strip club DJ: “Please welcome to the stage, Officer Steve!”

Bachelorette party: “Boo! Bring out a social worker who can treat mental health issues. That’s what makes me horny now. Defund Officer Steve and give his singles to a community organization!”

And that is how we can solve toxic masculinity…together.

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Comedy

🃏 9/14 – NYC – MISGUIDED MEDITATION WITH MATT RUBY. It's a psychedelic comedy show about mindfulness, therapy, death, woo woo stuff, and trying to stay sane in an insane world. There's also an ambient soundscape performed by Steve Pestana, visuals mixed live by Sophia Sobers, and a 1 hour open bar from Misguided Spirits. And it's at a delicious space in midtown you gotta check out: The Psychedelic Assembly. Groovy. Discount code: MISGUIDED5

🃏 I post clips of my standup (and more) at Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube. Here’s one about the phrase “bless her heart”…

Quickies

🎯 Me: “How ya doing?”
Him: “Can’t complain.”
Me: “Really? Here, let me show you how.”

🎯 "Labor Day is the end of summer." Haha, don't be silly. There is no end of summer anymore.

🎯 Netflix pushing "Suits" so hard lately it feels like an old Jewish woman at a wedding who wants you to meet her granddaughter.

🎯 Soooooo…this means the Sacramento Kings won a doubleheader, right? ⬇️

🎯 NYC love is the most impressive. It’s way easier to love someone when you live in a big house in the burbs with a garage. Do it in a studio apartment with a murphy bed and then I’ll truly believe you are soul mates.

🎯 The Republican platform: 1) Give rich people money. 2) Give poor people hate. 3) “But Hunter’s laptop…” 4) When you lose, say you won. 5) Silly three-word slogan!

🎯 People who love Donald Trump wear the hat. So I think people who love Tucker Carlson should wear a bow tie and people who love Ben Shapiro should wear a yarmulke.

🎯 Free trade, “the world is flat,” & NAFTA ended the American economy as we know it. You can't have lazy Americans compete against China/Bangladesh/wherever in a labor market and expect us to– Eh, I'm too tired to finish this. ChatGPT, take it from here.

🎯 Mitch McConnell’s doctor:

🎯 These Congressional/White House doctors are so full of 💩. Trump isn't obese, McConnell is fine, etc. Really? Don't these docs take an oath? It's embarrassing to have them acting like PR shills, especially since medicine ain't exactly killing it in the arena of public trust these days.

🎯 Can't handle spray texters, those people who blast you with a new text for each sentence. Look, I'm still responding to whatever you texted two minutes ago – gimme a sec over here! If the thread has a 7:1 ratio of your texts to mine, it's probably time to up your meds.

🎯 Y'know how when you're listening to music on headphones, singing along, and think you sound great, but everyone else just hears you being horribly off-key? Well, that's also what alcohol does to you.

🎯 Everyone who read about Burning Man: "It was a nightmare!" Everyone I know who was at Burning Man: "It was no big deal and we had a blast!" Kinda sums up the difference between what we see online and reality. (And yeah, I’m guilty too.)

🎯 Don’t even think about coming at me in the comments, bro… ⬇️

Funny How

🃏 Check out my other newsletter: Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian. ⬇️

"It’s okay to not get some laughs if the ideas are interesting. People will stay involved if you have something new or deep to say."
-Judd Apatow on not getting laughs

Podcast

Listen to my pod, Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby. This week we talked about some great paragraphs…

Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby Stereoactive Media 28 episodes

5-spotted

🗯 What can we do about climate change? Bill McKibben : Get to work building social trust.

We’ve come through 75 years where having neighbors was essentially optional: if you had a credit card, you could get everything you needed to survive dropped off at your front door. But the next 75 years aren’t going to be like that; we’re going to need to return to the basic human experience of relying on the people around you. We’re going to need to rediscover that we’re a social species, which for Americans will be hard

🗯 The Steadying Hand by Holly M. Wendt (via Davy Andrews). It’s about when the umpire rests their hand on the catcher’s back before a pitch.

In umpire school, they teach the tight-clenched fist, the quick punch: strike, out. The steadying hand is itself feathers, barest brush to say here I am and there you are because this red half-moon of earth is only ours and we are here for nine revolutions of baseball’s sun.

🗯 People are arguing the new Stones track is good. It’s not. It can’t possibly be because of how it sounds (and, more to the point, what it doesn’t sound like: The Stones). Bob Lefsetz explains:

There's a sheen, the surface is smooth, akin to metal, whereas the feel of the best Stones material has a porous quality, and it's these holes that capture you, that make the song interesting, it's the difference between wood and steel, between mystery and obvious, between dark and light, between the ability to add your own thoughts and feelings and them being excluded.

🗯 Vivek Ramaswamy is the epitome of millennial hustle culture, according to Farhad Manjoo.

He represents a distinct, very familiar flavor of irritation: He’s the epitome of millennial hustle culture, less a Tracy Flick know-it-all than a viral LinkedIn post come to life. The guy who’s always mining and nurturing new connections, always leveraging those connections into the next new thing, always selling and always, always closing.

🗯 Martin Short on haters in the comments.

If you read the comments below, a lot of them are wonderful. And then there’s someone who’s saying, “I just can’t stand him and never could.” You’re never gonna win those people over. Comedy is the most subjective thing in the world, and what’s appallingly unfunny to someone is genius to someone else. The only thing I know is that the people that hate me and say, “He just bugs me,” I know that if I had dinner with them, I’d be bored. That’s the only thing I can say back to those bastards. [Laughs.]

Thanks for reading.

-Matt