Spotify just released an AI DJ that speaks with a “stunningly realistic AI voice that brings it all to life.” I tried it out and DJ X told me about some of my “throwback” tracks and how he thinks Bob Dylan is cool too so now I feel like we’re buddies and…

Uh oh, I just got a glimpse of the future and its filled with AI girlfriends who are some combo of sex robot and the voice from Her. This will not end well. How's a real woman supposed to compete with a horny AI one who looks like Sofia Vergara and is a big fan of animé, Grand Theft Auto, and Rage Against the Machine!? “You love Lord of the Rings too? ¡Dios mío! That’s so cool. Let’s fall in love.”

Ladies, I’ll say it again: Lock down a man now while you still can. We’re about to raise a generation of dudes who won’t ever want to real life. Imagine if ComicCon could come to a guy’s house and give him infinite bl0w jobs. Game over. It’s not like dating’s going great as is, either. Everyone seems to be kvetching about it.

One big reason why: Our devices keep giving us everything we want. Anyone who rubs us the wrong way can be blocked, muted, or ghosted tout de suite. How are we supposed to deal with a real human being, flaws and all, after that?

I discussed that recently on a podcast:

Instant context

According to the Spotify geeks, fake human voices like DJ X provide all kinds of benefits:

We found that having the voice sound human is key for users to foster a deeper connection with DJ, as human voice provides familiarity and instant context. By incorporating voice traits such as pacing, projection, emotion, and emphasis, it results in a DJ that’s emotional and highly realistic. 

So the algorithm’s gone emo. No wonder I’m feeling such a “deep” “connection” with DJ X. It’s like John Lennon almost sang: Instant context’s gonna get ya.

For now, our best hope is AI continues to fail at being truly human. After all, AI imagery still delivers people with mangled hands (that 12th finger does seem ultra-realistic though).

My Runkeeper app has a voice that says, “I believe in you.” Nice! But then it tells me how far I’ve run and says, “If I had hands, I’d high five you right now.” Gross.

Software products now send out automated faux heartfelt anniversary messages:

Ooh, I’ll have to add this to my “Software Anniversaries” calendar (fyi second year is “anniversary 2.0,” fifth year is the “silicon anniversary,” and tenth is the “we sent your personal data to China anniversary”). I haven’t felt butterflies like this since 27 people I don’t know congratulated me on my work anniversary on LinkedIn. Sure, it was for a job I haven’t worked at in over a decade, but it’s still nice to be “loved.”

AI’s figuring it all out though. I recently read it’s getting better at reasoning, making fewer mistakes, and hallucinating less – which means it’s the exact opposite of me. I’m wildly irrational, making exponentially more mistakes in my life, and plan on taking a heroic dose of shrooms tonight. But hey, at least my hallucinations involve badass jaguars instead of a chatbot that tells me to leave my wife.

RIP IRL

Yet we all keep playing along with this trickery. In fact, an eerie amount of our lives feels like fake “connection” now. We post about our wonderful vacations while doomscrolling and downloading mental health apps.

Or we’re leaning in (out?) and deciding to go-for-the-gold in the victimhood olympics, like this guy on Threads who has ADHD in his username:

Because how social media works is you either pretend your life is a nonstop parade of private jets or you take your slightest defect and turn it into your entire identity. Related: You can call me Restless Leg Tony from now on.

Online, it feels like we all joined a cult without realizing it. Yancey Strickler, founder of Kickstarter and Metalabel, explains:

There are a lot of very online people and it's a life that's very self-fulfilling and self-referencing. It's similar to any cult. If you're a Scientologist, you just interact with other Scientologists all the time. So your worldview is constantly being affirmed and deepened. And I think for the very online, everyone else is an NPC [non-player character], right? That's the view today. If you're not using whatever tool I'm using, you're irrelevant.

Non-player character. Main character energy. Why are we all talking like D&D dorks now?

Luckily, the internet will give you “options” if you don’t like what’s happening…

ACCEPT. Love the single button. Viva illusion of choice! "You clicked accept." Well, there was nothing else to click. “Congratulations on accepting.” Uh, it was the only way out. “Press Like to continue.” There’s no dislike button though. “Please rate this interaction.” Gah, make it stop.

As for DJ X, one listen was enough for mr. It’s not that I don’t like voices with “pacing, projection, emotion, and emphasis.” I’d just rather get all that from an actual human being.

So I’m now cleansing myself by listening to Sade’s Lovers Rock on repeat. At least she understands me.

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Holiday special

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Comedy

🃏 Some upcoming shows:

• Dec 12 - NYC - Hot Soup @ Comedy Cellar

• Dec 13 - NYC - Good Eggs @ NY Comedy Club

• Dec 14 - NYC - Mood Board @ Gospel

• Dec 22-23 - Miami - Comedy Inn (with Mike Vecchione)

Want me to perform at your venue, town, conference, other? Shoot me an email.

🃏 I post clips of my standup (and more) at Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube.

🃏 Check out my other newsletter that’s all about the craft of doing standup: Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian. Recent posts there:

• The rare ability Seinfeld thinks comedians need most

• Getting laughs out of places you would never think to get laughs

• But, therefore: Writing advice from Matt Stone and Trey Parker

5-spotted

🗯 20 Classic Story Themes (from Rap).

1. Broke & Unknown to Rich & Famous: “From standing on the corners boppin' to driving some of the hottest cars New York has ever seen,” Jay-Z raps in Hard Knock Life's first verse. With a hook like that, how could you not want to hear this rags-to-riches story?

2. Importance of Family: He might be seen as the ultimate thug, but 2Pac was a Mama's boy. In Dear Mama, he raps, "When I was younger, me and my Momma had beef, 17 years old kicked out on the streets, though back at the time never thought I'd see her face, ain't a woman alive that can take my Mama's place."

3. The Perils of Fame: What happens when you finally get famous? "No more parties in LA, please baby no more parties in LA," Kanye West begs Kim Kardashian on No More Parties in LA. There's something fascinating about the struggles of a famous character because it's simultaneously foreign (being famous and partying in LA) and relatable (I want to skip my fiancée's parties and stay at home too). 

🗯 Bob Lefsetz: Daryl Hall & Todd Rundgren At The Pantages.

There were no youngsters, everybody looked old and decrepit, just like me. They had many miles on them, but they remembered when music was everything, when they had to go to the show, not to shoot selfies, not to be able to tell someone, but because they needed to resonate with the sound, it was the elixir of life, and everybody there last night wanted another hit.

🗯 How Jewish people built the American theater as we know it.

The irony is that more shows than ever, both premieres and revivals, seem to be dealing with antisemitism, at least in the past. That they rarely get to the heart of the issue — the sometimes self-imposed (and sometimes viciously enforced) invisibility of Jewishness — is the result of a fear of offense or habit of disguise that evolved as a kind of protection for Jews both onstage and off. Any Roth novel will teach you, as my own childhood taught me, that you must assimilate to a certain degree to survive in an antisemitic world; I stopped talking about “Fiddler” when classmates started calling me “k*ke.” Yet assimilate too much and something integral to your nature dissolves; for me it would have been like killing my grandparents, as they often made sure to tell me.

🗯 Why Are the NBA’s Best Players Getting Better Younger? YouTube.

Jason Tatum is young enough that he grew up with YouTube. There was never a time in his life that he couldn’t watch any clip of any NBA player any time he wanted.

“That’s how young I am,” Tatum said.

He was 7 when YouTube was invented, and it wasn’t long until he was searching for Kobe Bryant videos. “I’ve been watching Kobe ever since I can remember,” he said. But what made him the player he is today is not that Tatum simply watched Kobe. It was what he watched. And how he watched it. He studied Kobe.

“Not just watching the dunks, but actually trying to learn,” he said. “I think I learned that at a very young age.”

🗯 99% of the time, free newsletters are the way to go.

Every writer wants to know “how to get paid for their writing”—and subscription revenue is king. The problem is: very few writers (even seasoned veterans who have been writing for a long time) understand how to write things that have the capacity to be monetized directly. Paid newsletters are the ultimate forcing function for whether you know how to write things readers truly value. And 99% of creators who have free newsletters (even if they currently monetize with ads) wouldn’t be able to make even $1k/mo if they suddenly went paid. So, while paid newsletters sound amazing, they are incredibly difficult for beginner writers to execute.

And here I am dumb enough to try to get ya to pay me for writing this. Make me feel less foolish if ya can by subscribing (reminder: I’ll even give ya 20% off).

Thanks.

-Matt