High stress and low community connection make for a miserable journey to an early grave.

Most of us use our communities to compare more than we use them to connect. Which neighbour has the nicest car? The highest status job? Whose kids are performing the best? Who makes the most money?

Most people would rather make less money as long as they’re making more than those around them, than a higher salary that's less than their peers.

Stress, which is associated with every major age-related disease, fritters away at us because we don’t have effective strategies to deal with it. We convince ourselves that once we get through XYZ, we finally won’t be stressed anymore. But stress isn’t solved with this approach because once we get through XYZ¹, there’s always an XYZ² to worry about.

One underlying problem is responsible for our stress and community issues. You might have to move continents—or do whatever the equivalent of deep inner work is—to fix it, but I know what it is:

Societal stress and community detachment won’t be fixed until we stop tying our self-worth to our perceived productivity.

We need to kick the habit of feeling guilty if we aren’t engaged in something productive every waking hour. Often we don’t even need to undertake an impactful activity to satisfy our productivity urge. We just fill our time with unimportant and non-urgent busy work to trick ourselves into feeling productive.

We feel like we need to always be working to justify our existence in this world. But if your existence is something that needs justification—which I’m not sure it is—no amount of work will make you feel validated.

There must be a shift in where we derive our sense of self-worth from.

One Solution

Community connection solves two problems.

One, it is a sustainable solution to stress. Two, it rewires our sense of self-worth away from productivity and towards the value we add to our community.

Everyone experiences stress. But the longest-lived people with the most joyful, content, and fulfilling lives have a routine to shed stress. Often, that routine involves their community.

Take a lesson from the Blue Zones: Okinawans set aside time to remember their ancestors, Adventists pray, Ikarians nap, and Sardinians have happy hour.

Every day after work, the French have aperitif: a ritual drink and snack with friends that separates work and relaxation. It’s a leisurely hour of sitting and talking with friends.

After spending the last month and a half in Toronto, it’s glaringly obvious that people, especially in large cities, are forgetting how to connect. Everyone walks around constantly plugged into headphones. Some strangers are so caught off guard when I say hi on walks or in the elevator that they don’t even reply.

There are tons of communities to join in your own city if you look for them. Find a club: running, knitting, reading, walking, language learning, or whatever else entices you. As long as the people in it are truly committed to you and are not there to play status games.

If your perceived self-worth is based on how much work you do or how productive you feel, your stress will skyrocket as you lose track of what really matters: the playfulness, joyfulness, and fulfillment that stems from connecting with others.

There are no guarantees on the lifespan side of longevity. While I can advise certain exercise, nutrition, or sleep practices that should help you live longer, I can’t promise they will. But on the quality of life side, I can promise you this: 

The most memorable, beloved moments of your life will involve people you love. Even your greatest work achievement will mean nothing in comparison to your deepest moments of human connection.

My Quest for Community

Taking the online writing course, Write of Passage, last Fall was one of the most impactful experiences of my life. Not because of the course content, though it profoundly influenced my writing, but because of the people I met.

Though most of these connections are digital, my life has been endlessly enriched by an amazing community of writers.¹

Since graduating from university two and a half years ago, I’ve been living out of a backpack. Bouncing between my mom’s, dad’s, girlfriend’s, campgrounds, and foreign cities. Because of my transient lifestyle, I still lack an in-person community other than that with my loved ones.

After leaving my job last summer and travelling until March, I recently started hunting for jobs. Once I find the next step in my career and settle down somewhere—ideally a smaller town nestled in nature—I plan to become an active part of my community. Join a gym, volunteer, start a running club, and establish a first-name basis with the other locals.

It’s all talk until I make it happen but I promise to report back once I do. And I hope you’ll do the same by leaving a comment below on how you developed a community around you or are planning to.

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And thanks to Rob Tourtelot for your invaluable edits on the initial draft of this post.

Lots of love,

Jack

P.S. If you want to reach me directly, you can respond to this email or message me on Substack Chat.

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