🎯 Spotted at my local park. Pretty sure it’s a trap…

…’cuz it’s giving…

…almost feels like the start of a horror flick: “Midsommar 2: The Lesbians Strike Back.”

Anyway, I’m bring a casserole. 🤞

🎯 Eventually, we'll all need to thank black women for saving America. They did it with Biden in South Carolina and they're doing it again now via Kamala and these journalists who made Donald look the fool (by merely repeating his own words back to him). No group's had a rougher ride in this country yet they're the ones rescuing it in the end. Feels almost mythological.

I’m still jealous I don’t get to use this emoji though: 💅🏿

🎯 The problem with kids today is they try to do their art via politics when they should be doing their politics via art.

🎯 Love it when you ask someone about their tattoo and they sigh as if they're soooooo tired of telling the story. Oh, really? I'm sorry I asked to see the movie after you insisted on showing me the trailer.

🎯 I'd kinda love to wear skirts. Not in a gender-bending way. Just out of pure functionality. And that's why I'm learning how to play the bagpipes.

🎯 Time to cancel Santa: Sliding down random people’s chimneys? White privilege! What he did to the North Pole? Colonizer! He flies private? Eco-terrorist! And then there are all those reindeer emissions. Greta gotta be furious.

Plugs

Listen to my pod: Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby. New eps coming soon.

🃏 Get jokes on my social media: Instagram – TikTok – Threads – X – Substack.

🃏 Watch my standup at YouTube.

🎯 Retroactive cancellations (e.g. when we get mad at a John Wayne quote, “Manhattan,” or other stuff from the past) are so dumb. It's like getting mad at old mapmakers. Look, that’s where they drew the lines back then. Don't cancel 'em, just help everybody draw a new map.

🎯 Big tech keeps trying to sell us on living the life of a shut-in: "VR goggles! Work from home! Zoom calls! What if you just NEVER had to leave the house?" "Um, you mean like a paralyzed person?"

🎯 One weird thing about prostitution is you get punished for seniority: The longer you’ve been doing it, the less you get paid. (OK, there might be other weird things about it too.)

🎯 Interesting how people who hate vaccines are trying to be the vaccine that saves us from the “woke mind virus.”

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🎯 SF venture capitalists sure are full of themselves for a bunch of dudes who have ruined an entire generation of kids, let misinformation run wild, and destroyed faith in democracy. But sure, teach us all how to right the ship, you masters of the e-universe! Can’t wait for more of your WWARD? (What Would Ayn Rand Do?) utopia.

🎯 I know why! 👇

🎯 Can we all pause for a moment and reflect on how insane it is that whenever a new movie comes out, we now have to solve a riddle of "Hmm, but how can I actually watch it?"

🎯 We keep living longer and longer which means we're gonna start having our midlife crises at 60.

🎯 I don't know what the singularity theory means yet I still believe hawk tua girl on Bill Maher's podcast is some version of it.

🎯 Dating should just be defined like Instagram inboxes now...

• Primary - You're in a relationship

• General - You're dating but it's not serious

• Requests - Eh, we'll see

🎯 Jews are caught in a real pickle these days. Which is bittersweet because man, do we love pickles...