Croaky and the Bear

Imagine having your entire life's dirty laundry aired in public just so you can have 0% chance of winning an election.

Well, ya don’t have to imagine! RFK Jr. regaled Rosie (and the rest of us) with tales of falconing, steak, and a dead bear while seated next to Flintstone-sized ribs. Honestly, it’s the best become-a-vegetarian propaganda I’ve ever seen.

But c'mon, Bobby, you're telling me the pros at Peter Luger's couldn't cook up some fresh bear steaks for a table of drunks? Guess the Kennedy name ain't what it used to be.

There’s a great SUV ad campaign waiting to be tapped here: “Need to fit some buddies, a bicycle, and a dead bear all in the same vehicle? Don't worry, the Mazda CX-50 has got you covered!”

Roseanne clearly didn’t know what she was getting herself into. After the visit, she musta been like...

Look, I’d like to make more jokes about RFK Jr. and the bear, but they've all been done. Guess you could say there's no more meat left on the bone. 🐻

3/4 Time

It’s time to Walz. “He's a San Francisco-style liberal who represents the radical left of the Democratic Party!" JD Vance said about the midwestern high school football coach and military veteran who hunts pheasants. Weird!

Btw, I’m now convinced "Weird!" is the left's "Sad!" Perfect rim shot to any diss. (Discussed this last week.)

It’s also an incredibly effective insult because the only way you can defend yourself is by saying crap like "I'm a normal guy" which just makes everyone give a side-eyed, “Okaaaay.”

My only question: What are we supposed to Keep Austin (and Portland) now?

Actually, one more question: Is the left for or against DEI? 'Cuz exploding at the mere notion someone (i.e. Kamala) got her job 'cuz of it sure gives off the impression that you oppose it. It’s just odd how libs keep arguing for stuff they don’t seem proud of owning (e.g. abortion, DEI, etc.). As I’ve mentioned before, it’s tough to advocate for things you refuse to speak aloud.

Walz seems like a fine pick. Just don’t fumble the ball, etc. Plus, I wasn’t quite convinced that Beyoncé, Charli XCX , & Megan Thee Stallion vibes were really gonna move the needle for working class white men in Michigan and Wisconsin. I mean, I’m sure those guys love W.A.P. as much as city folks, but, well, y’know.

As a Jew, I’m fine with Shapiro not getting the nod. Things are already a bit, um, hot in the shakshuka kitchen, y’know? Plus, every good puppet master knows the real power is in pulling the strings instead of tryna be the pupp–

Um, anyyyyway.

Speaking of Jew stuff, remember when Trump said, "I like people who weren't captured." Does that include the Israeli hostages? 🤔

OK, def time to move on now.

The right clearly doesn’t know how to fight this ticket yet. Here’s poor Ben Shapiro tryna fire up his hot take machine:

Ah yes, because Americans are notorious for their hatred of all things Chris Farley. Better luck next time, Benny.

NYC “Substance” screening

8/15 in NYC: “Substance” screening + Q&A with director Matt Salacuse, editor Anthony Verderame, & me. Tickets/info.

JD and the cats

And then there’s good ol’ JD Vance (aka Thielbot 3000)…

JD Vance on podcasts and cable TV spots: F*cked around
JD Vance on campaign trail: Finding out

His poor wife tried to defend his “childless cat ladies” rant which, as any comic coulda told him, shoulda remained on the Patreon.

"I just wish people would spend a lot less time going through this three word phrase or that three word phrase," she said. Because one thing we know about the Republican ticket is they hate three word phrases!

Also fun is how furious the right remains about the Kamala swap. “This isn’t democracy!”

Look, Dems are fine with it so deal. It’s just weird (there I go again) to see them get so fired up about "disenfranchisement" on behalf of Democrats they also despise. Meanwhile Dems are like Bill Withers in “Use Me Up”:

🎶 If it feels this good gettin' disenfranchised
Oh, you just keep on disenfranchisin' me
Until you disenfranchise me up 🎶

I still think it mighta turned out different if Biden had frame his campaign this way...

…’cuz I’m not sure Kamala fever is all that real just yet:

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More on the election

🗳️ Come on, NYT. Golden opportunity to work “Not like us” into a headline! y’all must be Drake fans.

“They not like us” will def be used in this campaign soon. Just watch.

🗳️ Basic Journalism 101 according to Ira Glass: "If you have something bad to say about somebody, you say it to their face so they get to give their side of it." Good argument for why Rachel Scott's tone/questions were good journalism.

🗳️ It’d be fun if Venezuela blamed its rigged election on American voting machines.

Seattle

SEATTLE • AUG 9 • MISGUIDED MEDITATION WITH MATT RUBY • LIMITED TICKETS • PROMO CODE “LUNGS”

Thanks for reading. Newsletters about the Olympics, Musk, and more coming soon. Stay tuned!

M.

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