The Two Steps to Getting Someone on the Anti-Racism Express

💛 Hey Reader,

For anyone to begin to understand the unbridled interpersonal and institutional racism that People of Color face daily, they have to have already embraced two prerequisites —

1. a desire to understand more than they currently do about the true nature of racism
2. a willingness to concede that the way they experience the world is not the only way to experience the world

Translation: They must want to understand and admit they don’t know everything. People have to approach the subject of racism with a certain level of humility. They have to want it for themselves. Apart from that, you can forget it. Any attempts to get them to expand their point of view will resemble just about any scene from the 1970s sitcom All in the Family with TV’s most famous bigot, Archie Bunker, and his liberal son-in-law Mike (Meat Head) Stivic.

Voted Most Likely to Succeed

The person you’re most likely to impress upon the notion that racism is alive and well and every shade of wrong is someone with whom you have an existing relationship. By that, I mean a family member, friend, coworker, someone you already know, or anyone with whom where respect and care are woven into the fabric of your interactions. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying a formal declaration or contract needs to be in place, but the two of you must have a history of speaking candidly and listening intently to one another without flying off the handle thirty seconds into the chat.

One thing to remember about affecting positive change is that the resulting shifts in paradigms don’t happen overnight. A one-time conversation about the evils of systemic racism isn’t enough to noticeably move their needle. If that’s all it took, we’d all be singing in perfect harmony, buying one another a Coke, keeping it company. You get the point. Unfortunately, waking people up to the reality that racism is alive and well takes exponentially more time than it does to watch a sitcom episode.

Mixing Metaphors

Pardon me while I add another metaphor to the mix. I think engaging others about the ills of racism is similar to planting seeds. Some days, you water; other days, you fertilize. If there is too much water, the seedling drowns. With too much sun, the thing dries out. Once in a while, you prune a little; other times, you just let the seed do its thing.

You want to give the folks to whom you’re talking time to process the info you’ve given them. And provide them the space and freedom to approach you with their questions when they’re ready.

Chances are you’re not the only person impacting that person.

No doubt, they see People of Color everywhere — at their workplace, on TV, at the mall, in the grocery store, on the train — and if they’re in that receptive state of mind, they are beginning to see People of Color in a different and better light.

I can’t tell you how many people I know who have confessed to having been raised in a home bombarded by racist ideas. And it wasn’t until they were “out in the world” interacting directly with Black and People of Color that they realized the inaccuracy of what they absorbed in their family environment.

Now, some people use a bolder approach to pointing out the damage wrought by racism. Theirs is a no-nonsense, take-no-prisoners approach. I don’t knock them for communication style, nor do I knock the style itself. I admire people for possessing that skill because sometimes, a more confrontational approach is the only thing that will inform others about what’s happening on Earth 1 and deter people from steamrolling others. (See this video of police officers arresting two Black men while waiting for a friend to arrive at a Philadelphia Starbucks.)

Please note, by “confrontational,” I do not infer, condone, or endorse forcibly invading anyone’s personal space or engaging in physical altercations. But I do support making it clear that those who would subjugate others that what they’re doing is unacceptable, as did the woman who recorded the incident in the Starbucks, the customers present at the time, protestors the following day, and those who brought the incident to national attention.

Each person has to use the approach that works best for them. I’ve used a confrontational approach, but it’s usually as a last resort with people who are hellbent on denying the humanity and rights of others. And for the record, denying someone else’s inherent human dignity to elevate one’s standing is never justifiable or acceptable.

To Get Them on the Train, You Have to Get Them to the Station

If there was a third step in getting someone on board with recognizing racism and realizing how insidious and pervasive it is in our society, I’d say it would be getting them to realize that those they consider “other” are just as human as they are.

“Say what now?” you ask.

Photo by Meriç Dağlı / Unsplash

Yes. People tend to empathize, sympathize, and identify with others when they know what they have in common with those same others. For example, some of those things all people have in common on a most basic level are—

• Physiological needs — the basics: food, water, shelter, clothing
• Safety needs— physical health, personal and financial security
• Social belonging — love, relationships/intimacy with family and friends
• Esteem — belonging, positive self-esteem, self-respect, independence
• Self-actualization — the feeling of living up to one’s potential, feeling fulfilled

(Thank you, renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow.)

When people realize the importance of these things in their own lives and witness or can imagine the negative impact that denial of these needs being met in the lives of people they know, care for, or identify with on some level, in most people who are not racists, a-holes, or sociopaths (I’m having a little fun here, don’t run to the Comments section to call me out), they’re moved to feelings of sympathy, empathy, compassion, and want to or will take action.

Yeah, yeah. I know it “doesn’t happen for everybody.” And there are words for people like that. (See previous paragraph.) But, for people who are moved, their worldview becomes a little broader than it was before.

Who Needs Rose-Colored Glasses, When You Can See the Truth?

I’m going to let you in a secret here. It’s something most people who write about racism don’t tell you. Ready?

Once you see racism, you can’t unsee it.

• Once you’ve been the only person of your race in a room and felt uneasy or ostracized, you’ll have a much better idea of what most Black people experience on a daily basis. And you’ll recognize it every time you see it.
• Once your children go to hang out with their friends with some affinity group that potentially invokes the ire of others and a specter of worry whispers doubts of your child’s safety, you’ll have a small context for the concern Black parents harbor every time their children leave home.
• Once you’ve been stripped of your individuality and labeled as a representative of a larger, negatively stereotyped group, you will have experienced an outer fringe level of prejudice. And you’ll recognize it every time you see it.
• Once you’ve been out with your Black friend (Lord knows I hope you have many more than one Black friend) and you notice on more than one occasion that they don’t receive the same level of cheery service that you do, say it with me,” You’ll notice it every time you see it happens.” Pro tip: it does not occur because people consistently have a bad day. It happens because it’s a subtle form of racism. 
• Once you’ve had someone deny your worthiness of any of those basic needs listed above, you’ll recognize it every time you see it for the rest of your life.

Once you’ve seen the humanity in Black people (that Black people are people just like you), you’ll never be able to unsee it again.

So Now What?

That’s it. Once Uncle Louie, Aunt Madge, or that overbearing friend or coworker recognizes what’s been going on and how they’ve been a party to it all, you call out their racist behavior when you see it, encourage them to do better, and try to help others understand what racism is all about.

I encourage people to call out racist behavior very much like Melissa DePino and the people did in this footage she shot in a Philadelphia Starbucks where police officers arrested two Black men for waiting while Black for a friend to arrive. Onlookers saw police officers arrest the men for doing the very same thing they and other white people had done thousands of times. And they spoke out about the injustice to which they bore witness.

That’s It

In a nutshell, you can want people to see racism and take a stand against it, but if they don’t want to and are unwilling to concede that there’s more to the story than they currently know, it’s a lost cause. However, if you’ve got someone who’s at least curious or open to broadening their perspective, you’ve got a prime candidate.

Love one another.