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UFC 309

I went to a fight and a rally broke out. 🥊

It was UFC 309 on Saturday night (11/16) at Madison Square Garden. I know: “You don’t seem like a UFC guy.” I’m not. My idea of a solid boxing stance is like that guy in the Notre Dame logo…

…But my buddy had an extra ticket and I’m always down for a spectacle so I said, “Let’s rumble.”

Turns out that you know who (🍊) was in the house alongside his– hmm, what to call the new cabinet? The (Sc)avengers? The plutocrat posse? Mar-A-LaGOONS? I’ll work on it.

Anyway, 45 made a grand entrance to “American Bad Ass” (Kid Rock = subtle lyricist) and most of the bros in attendance promptly Monster Energy Drink’d all over themselves.

Then, he sat next to Dana White (one of many beefy bros with shaved heads in the house), Elon Musk (t-shirt: “Occupy Mars”), and Kid Rock (I'd like to mock Rock, but we were basically wearing the same outfit so... 🤷🏻‍♂️).

Behind them were RFK, Tulsi, Vivek, and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. Eric and Don Jr. were there a few rows back too. Even from 300 rows away, you could tell Johnson’s the pack dork whom induces eye rolls from the rest. Backstage (probably): “Get out of here before I give you a wedgie, Johnson” immediately followed by Eric/Don Jr. knocking the books out of his hands and then 🙌ing each other.

The undercard fights were mostly lame (like Tyson/Paul, they featured more dancing than striking). But the last two bouts had some real ⚡️ eye-popping moments, including a remarkable near-comeback from Michael Chandler, featuring some kinda reverse suplex that made the place go wild, and a rib-shattering roundhouse kick from Jon Jones that ended his opponent (and his rib cage).

Speaking of that Tyson/Paul fight, I wonder what elder abuse Netflix will air live next. Maybe a nursing home staffer forgetting to change a bed pan while Rosie Perez offers commentary?

Anyway, the whole place was a scene:

I fear the entire country will be sponsored by Manscaped soon. 🪒

The guy next to me kept using the word "strategical." 🧠

I can’t believe how many dudes gamble now. Like, everyone there. Related: 90% of the time when a guy starts talking about sports betting, I think, "Wait, YOU have disposable income?" 💸

It was a rare NYC safe zone for the red hats. Congrats, Long Island. (Thought: Probably tough times for St. Louis Cardinal fans these days. Red caps really hit different now.) ⛑️

Let’s just say there wasn’t much of a line for the women's bathroom. As for the few ladies who did attend, the dominant vibe seemed to be black leather pants mixed with Eastern European escort hair. 🇨🇿🇷🇺

Pretty sure I was the only man in there who owns a scarf. 🧣

T-shirts that troll, eh? Well, guess what? Everything you like I hated five years ago. 👕 They’ve got a two month honeymoon to pretend this is all gonna go great and then I fear reality’s gonna hit hard.

One pre-fight video billed the upcoming bout as "GOAT vs. GOAT" furthering my argument that GOAT means nothing now. 🐐

(UFC newbie perspective here) Kinda crazy that in the middle of a boxing match, one of the guys can be like, “Actually, I’d rather wrestle now.” 🤼‍♂️

The fighters carried themselves with dignity and treated each other with genuine respect. No BS taunting, just heartfelt handshakes before/after each fight. Traditional warrior values of excellence, admiration, and honor on display throughout. 🤝

I enjoyed how the crowd would boo fighters if they felt like they weren’t engaging/swinging/bringing it. When you pay 💰 to watch a fight, you don’t have much stomach for stalling. 🗣️

I get 45’s hair now. It's like a lighthouse. You can see it from a mile away, like a beacon of con. 💡 The red tie pops too. It really does seem like he shines.

Creepily, it did start to feel like a rally by the end. Several fighters went to greet him after their fights, like gladiators paying their respects to the emperor. Jon Jones even did a lil’ Trump dance after his victory.

Seeing that arena cheer it all on, I realized most of the guys in attendance couldn’t care less about policy. They’re just think he’s the only man left sticking up for their way of life.

I mean, sure, there were some finance and tech wiz kids there. But most of the guys I saw clearly haven’t researched, say, the economic impact of tariffs. They just wanna be able to blare Metallica, bet the over/under, drink Bud on the train back to Roslyn, and pinch the waitress’ ass without it being a problem because “woke.” They want to proudly chant, “U-S-A!” They want baseball players who speak English. They want Mel Gibson to be cool again. They want Seagal, Van Damme, and Girls Gone Wild commercials. They just want things to be the way they were.

Some memories last forever.

And then there were the younger guys who don’t even know about all that but just feel like something is missing from their lives. Mainstream media doesn’t fill that hole, so 45, Manscaped, Monster Energy Drink, and Dana White do. Because when you make the ignored feel seen, it’s good for business.

Btw, anyone from Manscaped reading this? Because I can’t believe y’all haven’t figured out to do this brand collab yet: “The next-gen groin groomer that will make your balls great again!”

More pics/vids at my IG:

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Comedy

Come see Misguided Meditation in Brooklyn on Friday night. Tickets at link in bio. The vibe will be quite different. 🧘🏼‍♂️ I contain multitudes. Que sera...

Misguided Meditation with Matt Ruby returns on 11/22 at Second City in Brooklyn. It’s a deep/funny dive into mindfulness, woo woo wackos, therapy, and death. Featuring sounds from Steve Pestana and live visuals by Sophia Sobers. Tickets available here. Some raves:

“Original and entertaining.”
-Dr. Lisa Levy

“Funny, moving, powerful.”
-Nick Gillespie

“Brilliant and fantastic.”
-Shawn Leventhal

“Riotously funny.”
-Matt Levy

“Captivating.”
-Cierra Burton

“Humor that will leave you believing in the power of connection.”
-Kevin House

🃏 Jokes: Get ‘em on my social media: Instagram – TikTok – Threads – X – Substack Notes.

🃏 Tour: Upcoming shows in Miami, Seattle, Victoria (BC), and NYC. Info here.

🃏 NYC weeklies: 1) GOOD EGGS (Mondays) at 7:30pm at NY Comedy Club (Upper West Side). 2) HOT SOUP (Tuesdays) at 10:30pm at Comedy Cellar. 3) GOOD EGGS (Wednesdays) at 8pm at NY Comedy Club (East Village).

🃏 Special: Watch my doc/special “Substance.” Four nights, four shows, four substances. It gets wild. New special “Bolo” coming soon too.

🃏 FUNNY HOW: I have another newsletter all about the craft of doing standup. Check it out.

Thanks for reading.

-Matt

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