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As we attend holiday parties this month, some of us might anticipate heated exchanges with certain family members or friends. You might find yourself at the table with someone you don’t typically get along with, or with whom you’ve argued with in the past. These last few months have been tense, and tough conversations are sure to ensue for many. 

Of course, it’s best to keep your cool and extend grace where you can — but if things get out of hand, it’s smart to be prepared. Good apologies are notoriously hard to come by, and for many, saying “I’m sorry” is difficult because it bruises the ego. Experts say there’s an adaptable formula to help.

This guide we published last year from Vox senior reporter Allie Volpe on how to give a sincere, thoughtful apology will come in handy if you accidentally offend someone you care about. While you should never apologize for being who you are, it can be worthwhile to express regret over words or actions that might not be in alignment with your best self.

Butting heads is a great American pastime; here’s how you can break tradition as you ring in the new year, and say “I’m sorry” afterward, too.

—Melinda Fakuade, culture editor

According to Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy, the authors of the book Getting to Sorry: The Art of Apology at Work and at Home, successful apologies contain six (and a half) components:

1. Say you’re sorry or that you apologize. Actually use the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize.”
2. Name or specify the infraction you’re apologizing for.
3. Show you understand why your actions were harmful and hurtful, and the effect it had on the other person.
4. Don’t make excuses, but offer an explanation if needed.
5. Say what you are doing to ensure this situation won’t happen again.
6. Offer to fix what’s broken — whether that’s buying your aunt a new lamp you knocked off a table at dinner or offering to spend more time with a friend who feels neglected.

The half-step is to listen to the person you’ve wronged. This is about their experience and emotions, not yours.

Saying the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” is non-negotiable in any decent apology, big or small. Avoid terms like “I regret” or “I feel really bad about what happened.” For bigger infractions, use specific and active language.

And even if you aren’t sure why someone is angry with you, apologize for what you can, says ‪Amy Ebesu Hubbard‬, a professor at the University of Hawaii Mānoa School of Communication and Information. That might sound like, “I can see that you’re upset with me and I’m very sorry for hurting you.”

Explaining why you acted the way you did can add important context, says Karina Schumann, a professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. Victims of wrongdoing often see the transgression as unfair and intentional. On the other hand, the wrongdoers tend to see their actions as provoked and justified. A non-defensive account of your motivations can help the person you’re apologizing to see that you weren’t acting maliciously. 

But be careful to not make excuses, Ingall stresses. In their book, Ingall and McCarthy write that “I didn’t mean to,” “Some things just fell through the cracks,” or “I knew you’d never understand” are all common excuses.

Describe how you’ll never make the same infraction again with specificity: “I’ll set a reminder in my phone next time so I don’t forget,” “I won’t use that language anymore,” “I’m going to therapy.” It’s not enough to just say “I’m taking responsibility for my actions.” It’s all about how you’ll take responsibility.

There are a few hallmarks of a bad apology. Ingall and McCarthy suggest avoiding language like “Sorry if …” (“Sorry if you were offended”), “Sorry but …” (“Sorry, but I had every right to yell”), and “Sorry you …” (“I’m sorry you took that the wrong way”). Don’t include words like “obviously,” “regrettable,” and “unfortunate,” either.

Any statement that confers blame on the recipient is a bad apology. If you feel like you are also owed an apology, save that for a separate conversation.

By apologizing, you acknowledge your words and actions have caused pain — so don’t minimize the other person’s hurt in order to assuage your ego. “It was just a joke,” “I didn’t mean anything by it,” or “I don’t know why it was such a big deal” are bound to make the other person feel worse, Schumann says.

Whenever you apologize, be prepared for any range of emotions, and to listen (or for the other person to disengage completely). Focus on being sincere and empathetic. 

A commonly cited study found that when apologies came after the wronged party had a chance to share their feelings, they were more effective. In general, the most sincere apologies take place face-to-face or over the phone. The other person can hear your voice, your tone, and read your body language. Text apologies can be utilized if you typically interact with the person you’ve hurt that way. Messages on social media can be an effective way to apologize to someone from your past you don’t communicate with or see in person. Mass apologies on social media should be avoided at all costs.

“It is far healthier to reach out with your actual human voice to your friends who you have actually harmed and say, ‘I’m sorry, I love you, I miss you. Can we talk about this?’” Ingall says. “You will find that to be endlessly more fulfilling than the Notes app apology that everybody ends up messing up anyway.”

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Madison Ketcham for Vox

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