I have had a total rollercoaster of a week and have changed my mind so much about what to do write about. I wanted to write about friendship after being inspired by a few things I have read recently but then decided to hold it and instead write about what’s been going on for me this week.
Those who follow me on social media will know that I applied to rent a house this week that I had totally fallen in love with. A few weeks ago when I realised that I would have to put my house-buying dreams on ice for a bit, I found a house that was just OK. I left the viewing feeling a little deflated but thinking it was the best I could do. The fact it had no bath and taking baths is one of my favourite things to do as well as being a crucial self-care tool was probably the worst part of it. I called the estate agent and asked them to send over the application form. After spending the last 10 months talking about how single women shouldn’t have to settle, there I was very nearly settling for an OK place to live. I got the email which included the application and hovered over the notification to open it. Instead, I went to the Rightmove app and that’s when I saw The House.
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Readers in London should look away now as I describe it as it may make you want to move out of the capital. The house is a surprisingly spacious two-bed terrace with a garden (and a cellar!) in a great location just 15 minutes walk from the train station and town centre. It’s around 10 minutes from the river and round the corner from two sets of friends. It has a separate kitchen as well as a dining room and living room. It even has a hallway (so many terrace houses open straight into the living room). Crucially it has a bath. A big one. It’s quite a lot cheaper than what I was paying in London for a hell of a lot less space. I ended up putting my application in before I had even seen it because I was so in love.
After clicking on the link to the listing and flicking through the pictures more times than I want to admit, I finally got to see it in real life on Tuesday. Because of coronavirus and because of high demand, we only had five minutes to look around. We arrived early and saw the person viewing it ahead of me. My competition was slim and blonde. You couldn’t make this up. When I have found myself pitted against another woman in my love life, they have invariably been slim and blonde. She and her mum also looked posh. Great, I thought, it’s definitely going to go to her.
After they left, it was our turn to go in. My mum and I raced around the property while wearing plastic coverings on our shoes and face masks and forgot to look at anything important like the age of the boiler, much to my dad’s disgust, and instead got excited about the pom pom wreath hanging in the spare room, despite the fact it obviously doesn’t come with the house. All that we both came away deciding was that it was absolutely perfect.
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I was also told I was up against 11 others (!) and that I would find out later that day, which was Wednesday. The suspense killed me. I braced myself for rejection. My friends joked that finding a house had become like an episode of Blind Date or Love Is Blind. Wednesday turned into Thursday. I found it difficult to concentrate. I asked everyone I know (and all the strangers on the internet) to think positive thoughts or pray for me. I visualised myself living there. I’m not even ashamed to say I also wrote affirmations in my diary including writing in big letters I LIVE AT [insert address]. I loved the house so much, I was willing to try everything even techniques from The Secret, a book I read approximately 100 years ago.
I didn’t end up finding out until the Friday morning and so spent two nights in this state of anxiety wondering if I would be the chosen one. When I didn’t hear by Thursday evening, I began to plan a big thing in this newsletter about handling rejection in all its forms. On Friday, I found out that actually the landlord had gone with me. A weird part of me honestly felt like I already knew this when she said it. Of course, it was going to me. The other part of me was shocked. I never get chosen!
After the initial excitement (which involved my mum and I literally jumping up and down in the kitchen, which Ruby the puppy thought was hilarious and decided to join in with), I began to feel a little guilty. As my mum said, the fact I don’t have kids probably counted in my favour. Was the fact I’m moving in on my own also a factor? Surely renting a house to one person is less complicated than renting it to two. Is this the first time I can think of where couple privilege hasn’t had one over on me and I’ve been at an advantage because I am single and childless? Of course, I won’t ever know unless I actually meet the landlord and she talks me through her decision-making process but still I can’t help but wonder.
Side note, when people have heard I’m moving into a two-bed, a number of people have said: “Oh. Just for you?” which I have taken to mean people don’t expect single people to want space or maybe that they don’t deserve space. Or maybe it’s been a pity thing like “you poor thing having to live there by yourself?” Or am I reading way too much into these comments? The actual main reason I wanted a two-bed is because I want a proper office space because I work from home and I also want to accommodate the many friends who want to come and have a weekend in the country (even though Shrewsbury is actually a town so they may end up being disappointed that it’s not more rural).
Anyway, I just want to thank you if you were one of those people who have messaged me good wishes or who joined in with the wishing me good luck/sending positive vibes/praying this week. I believe it made a difference so thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Have a good week,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
Anti-racism and The Single Supplement
A few weeks ago, I said I was working on some commitments to anti-racism after I was inspired by Anna Codrea-Rado who runs The Professional Freelancer newsletter. Apologies for not posting sooner. Last week, the newsletter was too long with the survey competition results so I decided to hold it another week so I didn’t have to cut it down. First, I wanted to share a few things I have been doing because you might not be seeing as much about Black Lives Matters on social media now the initial interest has died down but that doesn’t mean you should stop caring. In the past couple of months:
I have been seeking to educate myself on white supremacy and the black lives matter movement. Along with other books, I have bought Me and White Supremacy by Layla F Saad and started a reading and accountability group with some friends over Whatsapp to ensure we stay on track. I encourage you all to do the same.
I have also been educating myself about black history, which is woefully undertaught in the British curriculum (This is a great charity dealing with that: https://www.theblackcurriculum.com/).
I have donated to several causes for justice and for the wellbeing of black people. The fac Black Minds Matter is one such crowdfunding campaign I have contributed to that is still fundraising.
I have bought from black-owned businesses including subscribing to gal-dem, a publication I have shared links from before in this newsletter and paying it forward so someone who is not able to help can access the paid content. If you are looking for a great black-owned business to buy from, my friend’s bag business is a good one - check out gohtotes.
As a way to better understand the black experience, I have been proactively seeking out stories of joy and inspiration (articles, books and films) rather than just focusing on trauma. There are sad/anger-inducing bits to it, but Michelle Obama’s Becoming documentary on Netflix is inspiring especially the bits where she speaks to young people.
I have also continued to post about BLM on social media as a way to use my platform for good and I have signed a lot of petitions and written to my MP.
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There are ways in which I can do more, however, with the newsletter.
My commitments:
I will seek to amplify the voices of black single people and writers. I will do this both through proactively seeking out articles written by black writers for the recommendation section and through the guests I choose for my Q&As and guest takeovers.
I will also seek to make sure the newsletter is as inclusive to read as possible by thinking about the language I use and the references I make. I will name white supremacy and acknowledge the ways in which I, a single white woman, have advantages over single black women.
I will ensure The Single Supplement is an inclusive space. There will be zero tolerance for racism in the community, which includes the Facebook community group as well as all the other ways readers of this newsletter interact with me and each other.
If this section of the newsletter has made you feel uncomfortable, I would strongly suggest you begin to do some work to examine why. If this made you angry, feel free to unsubscribe. The Single Supplement will always be anti-racist and the above is not the end. If there is anything else you think I should be doing, please email me!
What caught my attention
Single-mothers' group calls for end to unfair prices at UK attractions
This article is about something which is not surprising to those of us who know that being single is just more expensive than being in a relationship but still it’s infuriating. Research carried out by the group of single parents has revealed that memberships for some of Britain’s most popular attractions are far higher per person for single-parent families than for two-parent families. Jacqui Dicker, who lives with her six-year-old son Daniel in Warwickshire, told Genevieve Roberts the price structure “feels like discrimination”. She said: “There is often a ‘family ticket’ that only offers a discount to a family with two adults, but not to my family. Days out are really expensive, with snacks, souvenirs and travel. There should be a family saving for all families and not ones of a specific shape.”
I Finally Learned To Love Living Alone. Then Lockdown Happened
I loved this article by Alonement founder Francesca Specter. It’s something I realised myself a few years ago when living alone in Berlin. I didn’t know enough people in the city and hadn’t made any new friends. After succumbing to depression and coming out the otherside when I got back to the UK, I realised that I still wanted to live alone but needed to be strict with myself to ensure I stayed connected and saw people. Francesca had this realisation during lockdown, which she spent living alone: “I spent over a year learning that my extroverted lifestyle needed to be balanced with time alone; as the old proverb goes, hunger is the best sauce. Over lockdown, I’ve realised just how much the opposite is also true; that solitude loses its value if it’s not underpinned by social connectedness.”
How to navigate race while dating: 5 bits of advice from experts
Even if you are happy being single and don’t want to date, I still think this article about navigating the topic of race is a useful one for everyone to read. Much of the advice could also be applied to friendships and other relationships. I loved this advice from Jasmine Guillory, a romance novelist about when a white person plays devil’s advocate rather than believing the person of colour’s experience: “In my books — if I’m writing someone who is a hero in a romance novel, a hero isn’t going to say: ‘Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.’ ” What are things her heroes — and real people in interracial relationships — might say that would be helpful? “I’m sorry that happened to you,” Guillory said, adding “sometimes you don’t know how to respond, especially if it’s out of the realm of your experiences. Just sympathize with someone. Ask them: ‘What can I do to help? Do you want me to just listen? ... Do you want to be alone right now?’ ”
The lowdown
I’ve been interviewed for a journalism newsletter but was also asked about The Single Supplement. It’s out tomorrow but you can sign up here.
Next week, I will be sharing some thoughts from the award-winning young adult/children’s author Abiola Bello. The full interview will go out exclusively to subscribers on Sunday evening.
I am still going through your responses to The Big Single Supplement survey and will be sharing some findings with you all soon. I was particularly happy to read your thoughts on why you signed up in the first place. So many people said they felt there wasn’t enough good content out there for single people, which is exactly why I set this up in the first place!
Don’t forget to shout about this newsletter if you enjoyed it! You can also press the heart button at the top to like it.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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