Just over a month ago, I did a series of interviews for The Single Supplement which I will be sharing over the next couple of months. The first one I want to share is the one I did with Abiola Bello. If you haven’t heard of her, now is the perfect time to get her on your radar and follow her on Twitter and Instagram. She is a Carnegie-nominated children's author, and co-founder of myriad successful businesses including independent publishing house Hashtag Press and imprint for diverse and inclusive voices, Hashtag BLAK. Her third book in the Emily Knight series, Emily Knight I Am... Becoming is coming out in September 2020. Abiola is 31 years old and single. She lives in Stoke Newington, London.

I wanted to speak to Abiola because I was so impressed that she published her first book when she was just 23-years-old. She actually began writing the Emily Knight saga at aged 12 with the intention of filling the gaping hole in children’s fiction for an inspirational, strong, black female, young protagonist. Our conversation did not disappoint, she was just as amazing as I imagined her to be, and also really funny.

One of the first things she said really resonated with me and I have been thinking about it all week as I feel it really relates to my current life situation so well. In the interview, I asked her whether she enjoyed being single and honestly everything about her answer, I could have said myself and I feel like a lot of you will also relate.

She said: “I do enjoy it. I don’t dislike relationships but I don’t like constantly having to check-in with someone, I’m not going to lie! I feel like being in a relationship takes up so much brain space. When I’m single I can really focus – not just on myself but on everything else.

“The only thing now that bothers me about being single is that I’m getting older and I would like to have children and I guess it’s more that aspect. It would be good to find someone and settle down and build that next part but at the same time I’ve gone this long being single so I don’t want to just get with some wasteman and have babies with some idiot.”

I couldn’t love that paragraph more! I also don’t miss having to check in with someone all the time. That’s also one thing I am really looking forward to having again when I move into my own place in a few weeks - just being able to come and go as I please without having to explain. It’s going to feel so good to get my independence back again. Even as lockdown restrictions have eased, I still haven’t felt that much difference because my parents live in a tiny village and I have to ask them for lifts everywhere because I don’t drive. The new place is a short walk from town and from the train station. Anyway, I digress, but like Abiola, independence is really important to me.

Then there is what she said about brainspace. Again I was nodding furiously. I was asked recently if I was back on the dating apps given I am moving out of my parents and honestly it has been the last thing on my mind. I am so busy with all the different kinds of work I do plus all the hosting renting admin and furniture buying I have had to do, I just can’t imagine also having a love interest and having to think about their needs and wants on top of everything else right now. I know there are some people who might think that makes me selfish and I guess it does. I’m going through very big life change and I think it’s OK that I just don’t have brainspace.

I just want to get my life set up here and get settled and work out how things are going to actually work given most of the people/organisations I work for are based in London. My plan was always to split my time between the two places but now thanks to coronavirus, I just don’t know when I’ll be heading to London next. It’s so weird to think that. But I guess until I have a reason to go, I don’t need to for now. All of the places I do regular work for are all still working from home anyway (or always work from home) so there is no pressure on that front. It’s obviously not against the rules to just go if I want to but it’s hard to know what is right or wrong because the government’s guidance is so ambiguous. Is anyone else feeling like they just don’t know what the rules are anymore?

On the note on the subject of not feeling like going on the dating apps, in Shani Silver’s latest article for Medium, she questions why we prioritise “finding someone” over our own wellbeing. She says: “Instead of asking yourself why dating sucks so much, ask yourself why you’re prioritizing “finding someone” over your own feelings. If dating is “a special kind of hell” for you, please know that you don’t have to participate in it. You can stop dating. You can remove yourself from the apps and the spaces that you don’t like, the ones that are making you feel miserable and frustrated and hopeless. You don’t have to be there.” Amen, Shani. It is actually OK to just be single and enjoy it without forcing yourself on the merry-go-round of dating app hell.

As for the rest of my chat with the awesome Abiola, I’ll be sending the full interview out to subscribers this evening. If you would like to read the whole thing, you can subscribe now and you will get it in your inbox later.

Take care, 

Nicola

Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement

What caught my attention

It’s OK if, after lockdown, you have absolutely no desire to date

This relates heavily to what I wrote about above. Justin Myers, who is famous for his reviews of The Guardian’s blind date column on his website The Guyliner has written this interesting piece for GQ. He says: “Not everyone’s decided all that’s missing in life is someone to argue with about discarded towels on the bathroom floor. Almost a third of singles took their quarantine quality time to dig deeper into their soul, work out what they needed, and found the answer was… nobody. According to eharmony’s relationships expert Rachael Lloyd, a large number of men deciding they’re better off alone and not being on a constant hunt for a partner might not only be beneficial to their mental health, but it can also do the dating pool in general a load of good.” (Apparently it will lead to an end of casual dating / hook up culture according to the expert. I will have to wait to see it to believe it though…!)

Why I don't have a child: solitude doesn't scare me

This article is part of The Guardian’s fab series all about being childfree, which I know will resonate with some of you. Yolanda Young’s caught my eye. I love the opening paragraph and I wonder how many of you feel or have felt this way. I love the last line about not being scared to be alone but I also wonder if that is actually the reason people have children? I’m not sure about that! Anyway, she said: “When I was a little girl, I fully intended to be a mother. But later on, when a husband didn’t materialize, I simply shrugged. Motherhood was not something I ever felt compelled to do as an adult. The key, I think, is that I am not scared to be alone.”

Don't know if you want a baby? This is how I found my answer

This is another article from that series and is actually by a former colleague of mine. The reason I am actually sharing this one is because I often think about decision-making (probably because I’m so intensive) and I have written about it before. The interview Kerry Eustice does with the philosopher almost feels like a follow up to the newsletter I did about making decisions alone and whether that is harder. Kerry writes: “After getting hundreds of emails asking her for advice – commonly from men asking if they should break up with their girlfriends – Chang observed that most of the people she talks to actually just want permission. But letting go of the idea that someone or something will swoop in and tell you what to do forces us to properly consider our values, and the reasons we want to do something in the first place, which gives you a more active role in your choice. “Lots of people do the pro-cons thing until the cows come home, then they are stuck. You should quit trying to find out which is better … You have the power to throw yourself behind an option and add value to it,” Chang says.

The lowdown

• I just quickly want to say thank you for all the lovely messages I received about managing to land the house to rent! You’re all so lovely. I’m pleased to say I actually passed all the reference checks this week so it’s all systems go! You can follow me on Instagram if you want to keep up with my adventures.

• I was interviewed for Lydia’s Newsletter and it went out on Monday! Lydia Wilkins is a freelance journalist and her newsletter is mainly about journalism. She did, however, ask me about The Single Supplement. In it, I discuss my motivations for choosing a reader-funded model for this newsletter so if you’re curious you can read more about that and also why I set it up in the first place.

• I was also interviewed by the amazing Alya Mooro for her Shameless podcast with The Restless Network. I’m not sure when it will be out but I literally CANNOT WAIT to share it. It was the best conversation and I could have talked to Alya for hours!

• I am really enjoying following an Instagram challenge started by Mel Johnson of The Stork and I who I have mentioned before. She started the hashtag #solomotherstories and a lot of other awesome single women have been taking part so consequently I have found lots of new people to follow.

• How is everyone getting on with Jog On, the book club book? Drop me an email to let me know if you are reading it and if you would like me to arrange a Zoom hang out to discuss when you have finished? Otherwise, I will also be discussing it in the Facebook group.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter. 

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