 |
The other day, I had a really interesting conversation with Franki Cookney. She’s a journalist and writes her own newsletter called The Overthinker’s Guide To Sex, which is really good. She wanted to interview me to get my thoughts about a theory she had about whether the problem in relationships is that people often try and get absolutely everything from the person they are in love with.
They want intimacy, romance, sex and they also want a best friend, a life partner, emotional support (“he’s my rock”), validation, approval and deep and meaningful conversations, someone to have fun with (“live, laugh, love!”) and everything else in between. Franki argued in her newsletter this week that for those looking for a partner, maybe they should consider trying to get their needs met by a variety of different people instead of putting all their eggs in one basket. She believes that doing this herself has made her own marriage a happier one.
As Franki says: “Not only does this realisation make me happier in my relationships—I’m able to love my partners for who they are, rather than seeing only the boxes they don’t tick—it frees me up from worrying that they might find me lacking. It’s OK that I don’t share all their hobbies and interests, they have other people they can do those things with. It helps me feel appreciated as an individual, not just someone who fits into their lives. I don’t want to be the “missing piece” of someone else’s puzzle. I want to be my own goddamn jigsaw.”
I love this last line about wanting to be your own goddamn jigsaw! I have been meaning for some time to write about one of my most loathed phrases that people in relationships sometimes say, which is when they call their partner their other half – or worse “my better half” (vom!). This topic was raised in a recent Facebook post on the community group for this newsletter as a member of the group had seen Extra were doing a campaign encouraging people to find the initial of their partner (it does also say family and friends but let’s face it with the heart, it is aimed at couples). As Molly said: “I don't know if any other UK based peeps have noticed this, but the new Wrigleys Extra chewing gum campaign had my eyes rolling to the back of my head in the Sainsbury's queue this morning... Maybe I'm being overly sensitive but it just doesn't seem like that to me and is reinforcing the whole 'other half' concept which I hate. We are all fully formed individuals and are not single because we don't chew enough bloody gum!”
 |
Just a note here to say that sometimes I think people say stuff like that just because it’s what everyone says and they probably haven’t thought too deeply about what they are actually saying which is they are one half of a person and are only “completed” when with the other half. I don’t want people reading this to think I’m slagging off those in relationships who might think I just wouldn’t understand because I haven’t been in a really long term relationship. And maybe I don’t but I’m around a lot of people who are and given my job as a journalist, I observe people and I listen a lot. My own parents, for example, have been married nearly 39 years and they do spend an awful lot of time with each other and do have some shared hobbies BUT they are still very much their own person. They are not one half of a whole.
As I said, I’m sure people don’t really think when they say stuff like this but it can be infuriating to read/hear when you’re single because what it sounds like is that you’re saying we’re all just here being half a person and we won’t be complete until we find someone else. As I have said many times before, you can lead a brilliantly fulfilled and happy life when you’re single – and there would certainly be less stigma if people didn’t have this weird innate feeling that you can’t be until you’re in a relationship.
One of the other things I found so interesting in my chat with Franki, and in her newsletter, was the idea that co-dependence is fetishised in romantic relationships. I’ve never considered this before but it’s so true! We are expected to meet someone, fall in love and then suddenly do every single thing with that person. I have a married friend who came to visit me when I lived abroad. One of the first things she said when she arrived was that a member of her family had expressed shock that she was going on holiday without her husband. “It’s the beginning of the end,” my friend was told as if only those in unhappy relationships would possibly consider leaving their partner at home. (That person was wrong and she is still happily married eight years on by the way!) Another friend has told me that a group of friends she has have always reacted so weirdly when she has turned up to parties and events without her husband as if she should always be joined at the hip with him.
It’s 2020, and yet these are the attitudes about relationships that still pervade and it’s in this context that single people are made to feel less than for being alone. This is obviously bullshit. I’m not less than. I’m not half a person. I’m not waiting to be completed. As Franki says, I’m my own goddamn jigsaw!
You can read her newsletter on this subject and the thoughts I told her in our chat here.
Have a lovely week,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
5 things people who live alone secretly want you to know
Here’s an article written by a member of the Facebook group. I love point four because it’s something I’ve raised before. It’s the reason I HATE WITH A PASSION all those memes and jokes about cancelling on friends and staying in because it’s not that funny when you’re the one being cancelled on and that was meant to be your one social interaction that weekend. As Hannah Carmichael says: “When you live alone, relationships with friends and wider family are your primary connections, and we invest a lot of emotional energy into ours – this can make us amazing friends! We are aware however that we are not necessarily your primary connection. We know that your partner and immediate family come first – and that’s fine. But when you need to cancel or change plans, we can find it disproportionately difficult. Partly this is because we have to plan ahead more than other people to make sure we have a healthy amount of social contact during the week, and it doesn’t take much to throw out the schedule. But it’s also because we don’t have anyone else to fall back on … So if you do have to cancel, give us as much notice as possible – and please reassure us that we’ll see each other soon!”
I Might Not Want to Get Married, Ever
This one goes out to those of you are usually straight out of one relationship and into another. I am not one of those people as it takes me a disproportionately long time to get over a breakup but some of you might relate to feeling the urge to just start dating again immediately. Maeve Ginsberg writes: “I soon started questioning myself every time the thoughts reemerged. Why am I feeling pulled to swipe through apps right now? Am I bored? Do I actually want to spend time talking to a stranger and potentially going on a date? Spelling it out really helped bring clarity. Sometimes the answer was “yes” to the latter, but most of the time, my boredom partnered with my brain to urge me into swiping despite my genuine disinterest in doing so.”
What made me rage
Surviving On £7 A Day: ‘How The Benefits Cap Is Penalising Single Parents Like Me’
This article highlights so much of what is wrong with the benefits system in the UK and it wasn’t until I read this that I realised how bad it is for single parents. As the interviewee says: “Punishing single parents for a relationship breakdown is not the way to motivate men and women back into work. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with no end in sight.” She also raises the issue of childcare, which is so often a problem for single women, and the stigma she faces as a single woman on benefits. It’s frustrating to read but I think it’s really important.
The lowdown
I’ve made the decision to turn on post-approvals for the Facebook group. This was because of one too many issues and a sudden influx in posts about dating, which lead other members of the group to feel they couldn’t raise issues such as becoming a solo mum by choice, when in fact that’s exactly what the group is for. If you have left the group because it all got a bit too negative and there was too much focus on dating, please do know I’m on it and you’re very welcome to come back! That’s not to say the group can’t be used for support if you are struggling but there does need to be balance and posts do need to fit within the general ethos of this newsletter.
Huge thanks to everyone for your lovely emails and tweets etc about Miranda’s lovely piece last week on male friendships. I loved hearing about everyone’s mates of the opposite sex and also loved hearing from those of you who were inspired by the article to try and cultivate some more friendships with men in your life.
The latest agony aunt column for paying subscribers is going out today or first thing tomorrow and it’s all about friends and making new ones if you move away. If you have a burning problem or question and would like my advice, you can take part even if you’re not a paying subscriber. Just pop your email address into the box on this form and after I write the column, I’ll forward it to you. Your identity will be kept totally anonymous in the version subscribers can see.
If you enjoyed this newsletter, please click the heart button and share your thoughts on social media! It really helps me reach other awesome single people when my current readers do that. Thanks in advance!
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
Did someone forward The Single Supplement to you? Sign up here.
