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I am having one of those weeks with this newsletter where I am all set to write something and then suddenly something catches my eye and takes me in a different direction. Yesterday, it was a tweet by a former colleague (who reads this newsletter so hello Becky!) about an article about why cinema is so reluctant to let leading ladies be childfree. Yes, I thought, but it’s not just about them being childfree! How many films can you think of where the leading lady is single and not constantly trying not to be? There are even fewer films where the lead ends up staying single.
This is a topic Mel Johnson (of The Stork and I) discussed on a recent podcast episode. We were discussing the impact of endless books, films and TV shows showing only one narrative – the ‘yes the fairytale does exist and we will all live happily ever after’ one. From a very young age, we watch cartoons and Disney films and are read children’s books, most of which perpetuate this one narrow narrative – the woman is on her own and either in danger or just miserable, then she meets a man who rescues her from the horror of being single and they all live happily ever after. Of course, it is usually always a man and a woman so completely excludes LGBT+ community (How many Disney characters are gay I wonder?) It’s no wonder you feel like a failure when you find yourself single and in your 30s when all our cultural touchstones make us feel like a total freak of nature.
Now I know things are getting better slowly – I’ve seen Frozen – but where does that leave us, the ones who are currently single and grew up with this very traditional narrative? It’s not just the things we saw when we were little children, but also the films and books we consumed as teenagers and young adults and the things we still watch and read to this day. Everything just seems to hammer home the point that being single is an anomaly. Those characters who do stay single just end up being the butt of the joke.
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I don’t know about you but this whole pandemic has had me reaching for the familiar and so consequently I have only watched a small handful of new films and TV shows in the last five months. Instead, I have been rewatching old favourites. When I was packing up my flat, I was watching Friends, where the only character to remain single at the end is Joey, and now I’m watching Sex and the City where at the end of the TV show all four women end up with a man unless we count the first film Samantha breaks up with Smith because she misses her single life. I have discounted the second film because I have blanked it from my mind (for the best) and can’t remember if Samantha ends up alone in it or not. I believe she does.
Side note on Sex and the City, even though the whole series perpetuates the myth that everyone is having sex all of the time (there is one scene where Miranda hasn’t had sex for three months and they are all horrified), it actually does a pretty good job of delving into the single experience. Obviously there is a lot about dating but there are the episodes about how their married friends treat them, how you answer the question about whether you have anyone special in your life and how frustrating it can be to spend loads of money celebrating other people’s life choices (engagement, marriage, children) when no-one celebrates your own. Some really interesting points are raised in among all the dating and sex scenes.
Anyway, I started to think last night about the films that do show one of the main characters as staying single. You have probably heard of The Bechdel test, which is a simple gauge of female representation in film. To pass, a film has to have two named female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man. Maybe we should come up with a new test to help gauge how many films have a leading lady who is single and OK by the end of the film or series. I should add that single men also don’t fare that well in films. Either they have the bachelor stereotype or they are portrayed as ugly and geeky – or they are the funny sidekick to the dashing main character who always gets the girl.
As I only thought of this last night, I haven’t got very far so I would LOVE your input. Please email me hello@nicolaslawson.co.uk or send me a message on Twitter or Instagram with the films you know of with a great lead character who is single. I will then compile a film-watching list, which will be available for everyone as a resource! Here is what I have got so far:
Wild (2014) starring Reese Witherspoon (and of course the book by Cheryl Strayed) is a great example of a woman going her own way, quite literally, especially if you stop the film before the last few lines which mention the husband and kids she eventually had (You should definitely listen to the Stork and I podcast to hear what Mel and I said about that bit).
How To Be Single (2016) starring Dakota Johnson. I’m kind of reluctant to put this on here as it seems to be a film about how to date/get laid as a single person but without any spoilers, it does actually fit the bill.
Thelma and Louise (1991) starring Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis. I mean there is the whole ending but nevertheless the central theme of the women breaking free of the shackles in their life makes this a pretty empowering watch.
Mystic Pizza (1988) starring Julia Roberts. I’m a huge fan of this coming of age film, which is underrated in my opinion. Although most of the characters do end up with someone apart from the awesome Kat, the film has some really good observations about what’s expected of women as they grow up.
The First Wives Club (1996) starring Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, and Bette Midler. The ultimate revenge film where a group of divorced women seek to get their husbands back for mistreating them. The final scene will make you want to get up and punch the air. Well actually, it makes me want to buy a white suit and dance down the street. In fact… I’m going to share the clip of it. Enjoy!
I love these lyrics so much: “I'm young and I love to be young. I'm free and I love to be free. To live my life the way I want. To say and do whatever I please.”
Don’t forget to message me your film ideas for the list!
Have a great week,
Nicola
Twitter: @TheSingleSupp | Instagram: @TheSingleSupplement
What caught my attention
Are Relationships More Romantic When They’re Entirely Unfulfilled?
This is an interesting article by Annie Lord. It’s about how sometimes flirtations are more fulfilling than when they actually turn into something. I had an intense flirtation last year and aside from ending up hurt, the attention did make me feel alive. This paragraph stood out. It’s in response to her friend saying she should ask the guy out. She says: “I dunno,” I say, because unlike with all the other men, this time I’m not sure I want to try. I think mine and Max’s relationship is romantic precisely because it’s unfulfilled. My Dad said affectionately to my Mum the other day that she was his “worn-out glove.” Max looks at me like no man I’ve ever known does, like I’m something encased in gold. It’s because he doesn’t really know me. He probably wouldn’t stare so much if he did.”
Stop Asking Women Why They’re Single
This article made me laugh out loud and I’m lots of you will relate. This was my favourite bit: “There’s a misconception that single women are mad because we’re single. Actually, there’s a misconception that women are mad in general, and sometimes we are, like when we don’t get equal pay, when we’re sexually harassed and assaulted, and when dimwits ask us questions that they have no business knowing the answer to. But, for the most part, women are just like men. We just want to wake up, not do all that much, and receive absolutely all of the credit. But, above all, what women want is to not be pitied for not being partnered.”
What made me rage
A Shortage Of Black Sperm Donors Is Putting Black Women At Risk
This article really made me think about the ways in which everything to do with fertility and motherhood seems geared towards white women. If you see advertising for IVF treatment or browse mother accounts on Instagram, more often than not an attractive slim white woman is featured. It’s no wonder that sperm banks in the this country are much more likely to have sperm from white men really. This article explains the way women are resorting to finding sperm themselves via social media and why that is so risky.
The lowdown
I’m getting a lot of good feedback for my agony aunt column from members of this newsletter but I would love to include you guys too. If you have a burning problem or question and would like my advice, you can take part even if you’re not a paying subscriber. Just pop your email address into the box on this form and after I write the column, I’ll forward it to you. Your identity will be kept totally anonymous in the version subscribers can see.
If you’re interested in writing about your life, Tiffany and I have a masterclass coming up on August 25. It is a repeat of our sold-out class in June, which we got a lot of amazing feedback for, so if you missed that one, do grab a ticket here.
Apparently an interview with me is in Women’s Health magazine. I had a quick look in WHSmith and it doesn’t seem to be in the September issue. Does anyone have August’s? If so please let me know if there is an article about being single in there!
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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