I don’t know about you but the pandemic made me really assess what was important to me and what I wanted to change about my life, but now as it drags on, I can feel my head sinking back into the sand. Early in the pandemic when someone mentioned that the vaccine could take one to two years to develop and roll-out, the immediate terrifying thought I had was that this could really affect my chances of being a mother. There is a phrase ‘it weighed heavy on my heart’ and that is exactly how it felt. Sometimes it was like a dull weight on my chest and other times it bubbled up into full blown panic. I found it very hard to talk about.

Now it’s been around a year and a half, the panic has eased and I’m back to being in total denial (“It will be fine… I’ll figure it out in the future” etc etc). Of course there are still moments where The Fear threatens to overcome me but most of the time I can push it down, stick my fingers in my ears and say to myself: “La la la la, it’s not happening.”

This week I was lucky enough to speak to journalist, author and podcast host, Sophia Money-Coutts. Speaking with her and listening to some episodes of her great podcast Freezing Time made me wonder whether I should take my head out of the sand and start taking action to better my chances of being a mother one day. I know not all my readers want to be mums and some of my readers are already mums but I think the issues we discussed are relevant to all women because it’s about choices and it’s about breaking down stigma and shame. At least I hope you feel that way.

Sophia – who is 35 and single – began the process of freezing her eggs just before pandemic took hold in the UK. In her podcast, she shares her audio diaries of the whole process, from choosing a fertility clinic to the operation itself, along with the ups (and downs) of undergoing an emotional and hormonal procedure. She also investigates the science behind egg freezing and its rapid growth in popularity, and speaks to fertility experts and women who’ve gone through freezing about their experience of the procedure. Plus, she has the odd chat with her mum.

I asked her what made her decide to look into egg freezing in the first place and she told me that soon after she broke up with her ex, a really good girlfriend of hers was having her eggs frozen but had told hardly anyone about it. This would later motivate Sophia to be really open about her experience because she doesn’t want anyone else to feel shame for making the decision like her friend did.

“When she told me it was because she wanted to ask if I would mind taking her into into hospital and picking her up after the operations because she hadn't even told her mum. She felt she shouldn't talk it. She was kind of really ashamed about it,” Sophia said. “We both cried actually, when she came around and she was coming off the anaesthetic. She cried, and I cried, and we cried. And we went home and sat down on the sofa, that was the moment I thought actually, maybe I should start thinking about this, especially as I was newly single. I was around 33 then.”

sophiamcoutts

A post shared by @sophiamcoutts

Sophia says it took around a year and a half for her to get her head around the idea. “Although I think it can be a very positive decision, for lots of women accepting that this is where you are in your mid-30s can be hard. It feels like an admission that you're in a place in life where most of your friends probably aren't. And you're potentially going to put yourself through this quite gruelling, expensive and emotional process. I thought about it for a long time and then started going to open evenings at fertility clinics, which really impressed me.”

She decided to go for it just before her 35th birthday last year, which was also not long before lockdown began in the UK. “Once you decide what I decided, that's the point at which you just want to get on with it because you feel like every month counts then. I had started some of the drugs and then had to stop because the clinics were closed for lockdown,” she says.

As soon as the clinics re-opened in May, she was “the first one through the door” to get started again. Her podcast follows the whole journey and I find it fascinating, even as someone who probably won’t go down the egg freezing route (as I simply can’t afford to). Sophia recognises that this treatment isn’t accessible to everyone and also it may not even work. One of the episodes that stood out was when she interviewed two people who went through the egg freezing process and then when they came to deciding to use their eggs, it didn’t work. Sophia says: “I was so aware during the whole process that I don't want to sound like I'm like pushing egg freezing on anyone. I wanted to be so careful and remind everyone that it's not guaranteed. That’s why as well as interviewing experts, I wanted to speak to women who didn’t get the outcome they expected.”

sophiamcoutts

A post shared by @sophiamcoutts

In contrast to how her friend felt, Sophia had very open conversations with family and friends and decided to not only write about the topic but also make a podcast. She says: “I'm super lucky with my family. They've been amazingly supportive. They would rather me doing this then settle with the wrong person so the reaction I have had with them and my friends has been largely super positive. I feel really strongly about breaking the stigma because many women, like my friend, still feel shame about it.”

Sophia says much of the shame is internalised and even if our friends and family are supportive, society as a whole tends to feel more judgemental. “There are all sorts of reasons that make us feel shame, both outside and inside and it’s just so unhelpful when you're trying to make a brave decision and you’re feeling vulnerable already about it, to then feel these extra layers of shame about the decision.”

The stigma about egg freezing comes from the same place that the stigma of being single comes from. Sophia says. “The picture that's painted of married life just isn’t true in so many cases and therefore, I refuse to be made to feel sad or ashamed about being single although, of course on Sunday night, sometimes that creeps in. I just hate the pity that many coupled up people have for us because my life is actually pretty great even though I’m not doing what most people are doing. It’s actually the judgement that comes from other people really drives me to talk about being single or freezing my eggs openly.”

Sophia says a line in the book In Her Own Sweet Time by an American writer called Rachel Lehmann-Haupt made a big impact on her and the way she feels about being single. “It’s a bit dated now but I read it before going through freezing last year and took so much from it. There’s one line in it which I’ve parroted so often since and that is: ‘On a planet of six billion people, not everybody can do everything at the same time.’ Although we’re way more than 6bn now, I think but the point stands.”

I love this sentiment and am definitely going to order that book now. And after talking to Sophia and some friends over the weekend, I’ve decided to get my fertility checked so at least I know what I’m dealing with and whether there could be any medical barriers alongside the obvious barrier of being single. A very wise person said that often procrastination is actually just fear. I have been putting off taking this small step because I’m afraid I will find out what I don’t want to find out but surely it’s better to go into this next phase of my life with my eyes wide open?

Paying subscribers of this newsletter can read the full interview with Sophia, which I’ll be sending out tomorrow. We had a great chat not just about egg freezing but also, of course, about the single experience. If you would like to read her wise words, do sign up today so you don’t miss out.

Have a lovely week,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

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What made me think

Dear Dolly: ‘I froze my eggs five years ago, and I can’t decide whether to use them to have a baby on my own’

This is on a similar topic to today’s theme but centres on whether choosing to be a single mother by using a sperm donor is “an inherently selfish act” and whether she should wait to try and find the right partner even though she is 41. Dolly says this which I think is true of so many big life decisions: “I have seen friends have their first child in their late twenties and their early forties and there is one thing that unites all of them — it was never a good time to start a family. Every person I know who has had a baby has wished for slightly different circumstances that would have made it easier. If only they had more money, if only their flat were bigger, if only their careers were more on track, if only their careers weren’t going so well and they didn’t have to pause them, if only they had spent more time together as a couple before the baby came, if only they had spent less time just the two of them so they hadn’t got so used to being on their own. “When is a good time to have a baby?” I recently asked a friend. “When is a good time to jump out of a plane?” she replied.”

Things you should check out

• I sent out an agony aunt column this week to my paying subscribers. Sign up now to give it a read. It’s about dealing with involuntary childlessness and social infertility.

• Here’s Why More People Are Choosing To Embrace Being Single – a nice uplifting read.

• How to make the most of loneliness – Artists and writers have long been drawn to solitude – but why is that, and what can we learn from them?

• These are the new forms of monogamy – a really interesting read about long-term commitment and how things have changed.

• Trying to make new friends at 35 feels more intimidating than dating – but it’s thrilling too – loved this and so relate!

• The Stork and I podcast: The journey to solo fatherhood – Fascinating to hear from a man who chose to be a single dad.

• The Joy of Staying Home Alone and Not Doing Anything Special – It feels good to relish staying home again now that our social calendars are starting to fill up.

• Finally, You Can Block Your Ex On Tinder – good to know.

• My flatmate won’t keep her clothes on – what can I do? – praising the housing gods that I live alone after reading this!

• Stealing memories – not to do with being single but a beautiful read about ageing parents who have gotten sick.

• Excited that Substack has chosen The Single Supplement as one of its featured publications this week!

• And I have been shortlisted for an award!

Words I love

"Who or what can I not live without? I am learning that I can be absolutely fine without anybody, just me by myself. I'm learning to be happy just with me … Who do I turn to for advice? I'm learning to turn to myself for advice. It's all in the process."

– Cheryl (who seems to go without a surname these days) in a recent interview with Glamour mag

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. You can also make a one-off contribution by buying me a coffee here. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter. 

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