Today’s issue is a bumper one to make up for the lack of newsletter last week. Massive apologies for that. I have a lot going on right now that I am looking forward to telling you about when I can (I am still very much single so it’s not that in case you wonder!) but I wanted to do a special one at some point this month and now I have the perfect excuse.

You may not know but it’s now 18 months since the World Health Organization declared coronavirus a pandemic. Eighteen whole months. A year and a half. I wanted to spend some time reflecting on that, especially now things are almost back to normal here in the UK. Of course it isn’t actually over but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take stock because it’s not like this thing is going to go out with a bang like a battle. I wanted to explore what readers of The Supp have learned both about themselves and about being single in this last year.

For me, the last 18 months have been like one long education in life. I have learned so much about so many things and one of the biggest surprises is how much I learned about myself. You would think that by reaching the age of 36, I would know myself pretty well but it turns out there was so much I didn’t know until the pandemic shone a light on it. My ADHD diagnosis, which I’m still coming to terms with, is the big one but there have been so many more moments.

I have also learned what I need in life to keep myself happy thanks to so much being stripped away in terms of what we were allowed to do. I realised how much I relied on others even though I think of myself as someone who is really independent and that isn’t always a bad thing because everyone needs support and company. I realised that while I love living alone, what makes it so good is seeing people in real life and I need to remember that next time depression rears its ugly head. I realised that self-care had nothing to do with expensive candles and wellbeing retreats – and everything to do with learning what makes yourself tick and making time to do those things on a regular basis.

10 lessons from 18 months of the pandemic

1. Being single at 40 doesn’t equal failure

It's taught me that I'm happily single at this point in my life and romantic relationships aren't the be all and end all. Society conditions you to think you've failed at life if you're single and childless at 40, I feel such a relief that I didn't give into the pressure and stayed true to myself.

– Coral

2. It’s fine to choose the easy path especially in a crisis

I have worked with an NGO in a developing country for nearly ten years. When I first arrived, there was a team of five single women in the town where I live, so being single was actually a lot easier than it had been at home, where I often felt like the odd one out among couples and families. But most of my teammates left or moved away for various reasons, so I've mostly been on my own for the past couple of years. (I have local friends and colleagues, but the culture is very different, so there's a limit to how deeply we can understand each other.)

When I was offered a job in my home organisation a while ago, my singleness was one of the reasons why I decided to return to Germany (scheduled for early 2022), but I sometimes felt like it was weakness not to tough it out and stay here on my own for years on end. But the pandemic and another recent crisis here have shown me that it's really hard to be alone in a crisis situation (I'm fine with it in 'normal' times) and that it's perfectly fine to choose a situation in which life will be a bit easier.

– Anonymous

3. Our needs are important

That the things I had put in place to support single life in a new town fell away. I had to support bubble with elderly parents too and put their needs above mine in ways I could not have known. I am making sure that I focus on my needs now and putting my goals to the fore so that if I isolate again it will be a better experience. I am finding things that I can do at home to help my wellbeing such as regular zoom meditation and online classes. I am also making new friends since we came out of lockdown and investing in those friendships in ways I wasn't able to before.

– Deborah

4. Knowing ourselves better is powerful

It's shown me the importance of cultivating a reliable support network, and how truly vital that is...so that is a big priority of mine now moving forward. The pandemic has been beyond anyone's control. I think I used to see my relationship status as a huge personal failing, and really punish myself. I do appreciate the benefits of being single now - of not having to compromise on anything, or constantly factor in someone else's wants/mood/needs/desires. I also think I have a better understanding of what I'm looking for in both platonic and romantic relationships.

– Charlie

5. We are stronger than we think

It taught me that sometimes being single can be tough, but that I can come out of such a crisis even stronger than before. At first, I struggled a lot during the lockdowns not having a man by my side, but now find myself enjoying single life again. In a way I learnt to pick myself up again by focusing on achievements that had nothing to do with the societal goal to find a man: I wrote a book (yes, I'm one of those ), poems (one recently went on display at a local exhibition ) and connected with nature as well as my neighbourhood.

– Andrea

6. Male friendships shouldn’t be overlooked

The pandemic has shown me that I enjoy being surrounded by diversity in terms of gender, age, cultural background and viewpoint. I have therefore always had an equal balance of both male and female friends. I am currently recovering from surgery and must say my male friends have reached out and offered really solid practical and emotional support. Maybe more so than some of my female friends.

So what it has taught me is that as a single woman I respect and value male company and friendship but don’t necessarily feel the need to be in a romantic relationship at this point in my life.

– Mina

7. It’s OK to ask for help

I have learned to ask for help. I hard a burn out a few months before the first lockdown, and I had to deal with depression and high anxiety that was through the roof. When I told my therapist that I was anxious with the lockdown coming, she told me to see it like the whole world was on hold, so it was ok I was on hold too. It helps a lot.

My friends helped a lot. I learned to rely on them even though we were miles apart, only talking to each others via Instagram or WhatsApp. I struggled a lot financially at that time, the whole year really but I truly believe I made it through because I have wonderful friends and I learned to ask them to help me whenever I needed to.

– Nine

8. It’s good to check-in with ourselves

Even though I have experienced mixed feelings, I have realised what’s most important is that I need to check-in with myself regularly to ask: “What do I want? What can I do today to make myself happy?” Some days are harder, but I have realised that external sources have sometimes been distractions.

– Natali

9. Taking a break from dating can be good for us

It taught me that it’s ok to take a break from dating. When I came out of my last relationship at 34 although I was heartbroken I felt the need to date again because ‘time was running out’ to have a family (an unfair and unhelpful narrative I know). I went out with lots of lovely men who just weren’t right for me and felt so fatigued. The pandemic showed me it was ok to take a break, focus on myself and my healing. I feel much more content now and, although I’d love to meet someone, am focused on the life I want to create for myself and all the love that’s already here.

– Jo

10. Counting on ourselves makes us feel awesome

What I have learned is that I can really count on myself. I always assumed that I could but I know for a fact now that I can rely on me in a big way. I got through all of this in a large part because I am awesome. That’s not very British but doesn’t make it less true!

– Zac

Here’s a few quick fire ones:

• It's taught me how much I value love, community and connection - even as an introvert.

• That social isolation, not singledom, is what makes you lonely

• I’d rather be alone than with the wrong bloke. I do love my own company but I need activities (choir, rugby, cocktails with the girls) to keep me sane.

• I can live a meaningful, full life being solo but I need physical contact (hugs) to feel human.

• Therapy is important for everyone.

• I can be very calm, happy and creative if I stop feeling guilty about what I’m not doing.

• I don’t need validation from other people. The last 18 months have been freeing.

• That I am more capable and resilient than I ever gave myself credit for and I don’t need another to ‘save’ me.

• It’s given me the freedom to start to curate a life I love rather than based on other expectations.

• Meeting people face-to-face rather than online is so much more rewarding.

• Looking deeper within is not as scary as I thought.

• That I’m definitely not an introvert (which is what I used to think about myself)

Hope you enjoyed reading those. Here’s an idea. If you journal, why don’t you use the two questions as prompts to help you reflect on the last 18 months. The two questions I asked where what have your learned from the last 18 months and what has the pandemic taught you about being single. I find journaling really crucial to keeping me feeling sane and it really helped me during the worst parts of the pandemic when I was really struggling. It’s nice sometimes to free-write without thinking but it’s also good to try using a prompt and seeing where your answer takes you. Try setting a timer of five minutes for each question and commit to keep writing until the time is up as it might mean you get to the deeper answer and not just the surface level one.

Thanks again for bearing with me. I know I have been a bit all over the place for the last few months. Work has ramped up and I am working on some big things. Your patience is appreciated. I have some more interviews and guest pieces coming up – and am also working on a new agony aunt column for paying subcribers.

Here’s a link to the last one if you missed it. It’a all about how painful the summer holidays can feel when you have no-one to go away with:

Dear Nicola, I feel like a loser for having no-one to go on holiday with

Have a lovely week,

Nicola

Twitter: 

@Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

What made me think

The Diary of a Teenage Adult Pandemic dating made me feel feelings I hadn’t felt in years

Oof. This by Dolly Alderton hit home. It is a powerful and very relatable personal essay, especially if you spent large parts of the pandemic alone: “If you’re single in a pandemic, the seasons no longer mark the passing of time but various failed bargains with nature. Every morning when you brush your teeth, you will look to the rose plant in your neighbor’s garden as if it were a fortune teller. In late spring, when you see its first pink buds, you’ll think: “By the time the roses are all in bloom, I will stop feeling like this.” The roses will bloom, nothing will change. “By the time the roses have all gone, I will stop feeling like this.” The roses will brown, nothing will change. As you watch each petal fall, you’ll feel increasingly like you’re in a Disney movie — a lonely beast locked in a 45-square-metre one-bedroom castle.”

Things you should check out

• Up Close With: Nicola Slawson – Here’s an interview I did with London Writer’s Salon. It will be mainly be interesting to the creatives who read the Supp, I think!

• Wellbeing in decline in England as loneliness rises, report shows – here’s an article I wrote recently that may be of interest. You’re not alone if you are struggling!

• REDEFINING FAMILY with Craig: Does letting go of what family “should be” help us embrace the family we have? (Glennon Doyle’s podcast) – I listened to this this week and found it really interesting. Firstly how Glennon had an idea about what family/life should look like and secondly, how to co-parent with your ex-spouse, which readers with kids and ex-partners may find useful.

• Inside TOWIE's Yazmin Oukhellou's solo Greek getaway declaring she is 'happy and single' – this made me want to go on holiday immediately *sigh*

• People Who Value Friends More Are Happier and Healthier – investing in your friends is really good for you.

• “Never Have I Ever” Had Sex. And I’m 33 – A different perspective to the “norm”

• To Anyone Feeling Single and Lonely. . . – a video with Matthew Hussey’s thoughts on loneliness and much more.

• Lockdown taught me that being a loner is absolutely fine - and in some ways better – I totally agree going to the cinema alone is the best!

• This lockdown is hitting harder than 2020, especially for single people – shout out to my followers in Australia. Hang in there xx

• Sex on the NHS: disabled man loses prescription for intimate sessions – this is both really thoughtprovoking and heartbreaking.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram if you don’t already!

Words I love

It's nice because I feel like I haven't been on my own for a long time and I need to get to know myself and love myself a little but when you are going for dinner on your own, with a steak and a bottle of red wine, people keep looking over to see if my date is going to turn up. I used to be really embarrassed to eat on my own but now I am going for the full works - getting my starter, my steak, my dessert, bottle of wine.

– Yazmin Oukhellou, in the interview I shared above.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. You can also make a one-off contribution by buying me a coffee here. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter. 

Did someone forward The Single Supplement to you? Sign up here.