TW: gaslighting, trauma, heartbreak

As mentioned before, I am partial to trashy TV. My excuse always is that my job is so serious that I need lighthearted things I don’t need to think too much about to watch in the evenings. Love Island, with all its many faults, fits the bill. I wasn’t going to watch this season but thought I would dip in at the start and then inevitably got hooked. Oops. For those who don’t know, it’s a dating show where a bunch of beautiful Brits are put in a villa on the isle of Majorca and they have to couple up with each other, do challenges and face getting kicked out either by their fellow contestants or by the voting public.

Last week, two fairly small conversations on the show made me think about the way people don’t take into consideration the heartbreak, grief and/or trauma single people may feel when they ask them stupid questions about why they are “still single”. As I was pondering on this, I listened to a podcast episode where my pal Tiffany Philippou was interviewing Natasha Lunn (of Conversations on Love fame), which made me think even more about the topic. They talk about being single, dating and new relationships and Natasha commented that you have to be very brave to put yourself out there and say you want to find love. Later in the conversation, Natasha asks Tiffany about what she learned about love from losing her boyfriend to suicide in her early 20s. Her response: “It’s made me quite terrified of love, to be blunt.”

Then the other day a member of the Facebook group posted a joke which some people didn’t find funny (see below - it’s the second tweet, which people including myself laughed at). I explained that people found a joke about wanting to stay alone forever funny because lots of people are pretty comfortable being single and therefore the idea of rocking the boat by starting a relationship doesn’t appeal. This is the position I am in. I have a great life and I know I would have to compromise on so many things that makes my life great if I were to meet someone. I have reached a fairly stable equilibrium after years of disastrous relationships and I find the idea of trying to find someone terrifying, if I’m honest. My boat is nice and steady – and I really really don’t want to capsize again.

You may be wondering that if this is the case, why do I choose to watch a show focused on finding love? The thing is, I just find it fascinating. In many ways it’s a social experiment. How will this group of people behave when they get into the villa? Who will make friends? Will any of them actually be attracted to each other? How will the ones left single feel? And how do the others talk about those who are single? How will it go if someone wants to break up with their partner or if they fancy someone else who comes in? Who hates who in the villa? The list goes on. There is also the way you learn to spot red flags and you see the girls who have good boundaries and how they act. I can see why some mums watch it with their teenagers in order to educate them about relationships (something that is woefully lacking in schools!)

The downside is sometimes you end up watching something you find upsetting. A memorable time this happened for me was a few years ago when there was a guy in the villa who appeared to gas light one of the women, making her question what she knew to be true. This article explains what happened. I wanted to jump on a plane and grab the girl and protect her because I recognised what he was doing. It was all too familiar. Women's Aid, a domestic abuse charity, even released an official statement at the time: "In a relationship, a partner questioning your memory of events, trivialising your thoughts or feelings, and turning things around to blame you can be part of pattern of gaslighting and emotional abuse."

This time, two much less dramatic conversations made me want to go into the villa and give two women a hug. They were much less triggering than the above but still gave me a lump in my throat. Separately two of the girls were talking about letting their guard down with guys they really liked. Faye, who is a loud, no nonsense kind of woman, admitted to her friends that she was struggling now she had coupled up with Teddy because she was scared about letting her guard down and getting hurt. As her friends comforted her, she said: “I'm really struggling at the moment because, for me, you girls have seen a different side to me and it's cos I trust you girls … I know everyone in here has been hurt, so like to give somebody the control is really hard because it's like I don't want to give that side of me again to not be able to get it back.”

In another conversation, Liberty, who is a real sweetheart, was talking about “catching a bit of feelings” for Jake in a giggly conversation with him and another couple until she too broke down in tears about finding it scary to be completely herself with a guy and to have feelings for someone. I related so much to both women. Although we don’t know what has happened in their past, it was clear they both had been badly hurt.

This is why the kinds of questions or comments single people get are particularly galling. In the podcast episode mentioned above, Natasha talks about how her mum would always say she spent too much time working to find a man, while others said she was too picky. I’ve written before about the annoying things people say to single people (check out this vintage issue of The Supp before I got a logo!) and Tiffany actually mentioned me and my least favourite one on the show. As well as the obvious stigma, it’s infuriating that people don’t consider how insensitive they are potentially being.

They may seem like inane little comments but the people making them don’t necessarily know the history of the single person in front of them. Perhaps someone is happily single because they were in an abusive relationship and managed to escape and now feel so proud of themselves for being so brave to get out. Another person might have had their heartbroken badly and find it too upsetting to try again. Another may have had a series of volatile relationships and just want some peace in their lives. Someone else may be grieving a partner who died, like Tiffany. And of course, there are plenty of single people who just really enjoy being single and those who find it painful to be single and just want to find someone. Neither group should have to put up with annoying questions either!

Just as we often hear that we should refrain from asking newly weds when they are planning to start a family because they might be struggling to conceive or have just suffered a miscarriage, so too should we refrain from commenting on what single people are doing wrong or that they need to hurry up and find someone because their biological clocks are ticking (as if we didn’t know that already!) It’s not only rude but potentially very painful.

So whether you are gearing up to throw yourself back into the dating arena (as Tiff calls it!) or are focusing on making your single life even more badass, or perhaps you’re signed up to this newsletter because you are considering leaving a relationship, I think you’re all brave and beautiful and I’m so proud of you.

By the way I appreciate this is a slightly unusual day to get the Supp and will be moving back to Sunday his week but it wasn’t possible this time due to work commitments. Yesterday was my weekend so the last thing I wanted to do was fire up my laptop. I was also hot and bothered and had terrible period pains. I did spend the whole day mulling over what to write though and even did a mind map on the topic. Hopefully you have found it interesting.

Lots of love,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

What made me think

I’m A 31-Year-Old Widow, & I Don’t Know Where To Go From Here

On the topic of losing someone, here’s a moving article about what it’s like to be a widow in your early 30s. Erica Finamore lost her husband to cancer when they were 30. She writes: “My relationships with everyone in my life have changed, but my relationship with myself has changed, too. I’m still shell-shocked to find myself here, and when I look to the future, I’m not quite sure where I fit in or what I want anymore. Calling myself “single” feels especially absurd right now; I never thought I’d have to use that word to describe myself again, and it seems inadequate to capture the full reality of my situation. I’m not saying “single” in the fun, empowering, Beyoncé-put-a-ring-on-it kind of way, after all.”

Things you should check out

• Are Single People the Real Grownups? – The subtitle of this is that we parents ourselves. Interesting concept.

• From housing and holidays to the weekly shop: A breakdown of the financial drawbacks of being single – yep!

• Do I know what love is? – related to the above, this by Tiff is great.

• How the pandemic got us addicted to longing – and why it’s bad for us – very interesting!

• Steps star Ian 'H' Watkins on life as a single parent: 'Families come in all shapes and sizes' – It’s always nice to hear from single dads, I think.

• How rediscovering my faith is helping me cope with a chaotic world – Dawn Foster was a work friend of mine and she sadly died this week so I wanted to share an article of hers that shows off her writing and also made me think.

• Burnout eating: how chronic pandemic stress can disrupt and destroy our diet – I wrote this article and thought some of you might relate!

• Why self-belief is a superpower that can be harnessed – thought some of you might enjoy this.

• I have an interview for you next week, which will be going out on Sunday! Saying it here so I have to make it happen.

• If you’re not already a subscriber, please consider financially contributing to this newsletter so I can pay myself a proper day rate to write this newsletter and all the extra subscriber-only content. It’s only a pound a week. That’s less than a third of the price of a coffee!

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram if you don’t already!

• I enjoyed this tweet:

  Marina Amaral @marinamaral2

  In 1871, a woman from Quebec hired a hearse with the sole intention of riding around town smoking in the coffin-bed while enjoying the view.

  July 16th 2021

  3,600 Retweets18,986 Likes

• Didn’t believe me about mums watching Love Island with their teen daughters?

  janE @Ejb49

  @LoveIsland watching the show with my teen daughter she’s quickly had Danny worked out and could see how much he was a bad egg. Thanks for bringing him on the show. I now know my daughter won’t ever choose a man like him #lifelesson #danny #LoveIsland

  July 20th 2021

  1 Retweet10 Likes

Words I love

“I’ve been single for pretty much four years and, hand on heart, they have been the most important four years of my life. It’s easy to forget who we truly are. We get so caught up in people’s idea of us, and it’s ingrained that that’s who we are forever – but it’s not true.”

– Charlie Brooks in this interview.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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