Happy Valentine’s Day. A day late, sorry! I spent all evening sorting this newsletter out after a really long work day and it just felt too late to send it so decided to schedule it instead. Apparently today is Singles Awareness Day so let’s pretend I did it on purpose.

As most of you know I recently had a personal essay published in a book. Unattached: Thirty Essays on Singlehood came out last week and I also read it last week. One of the contributors had caught my eye before the book came out. It was Rebecca Reid who I know to be happily married. At first, and I hope she won’t mind me saying this, I wondered why she had been asked to write a book on being single. Then I read her essay I’m A Little Bit Jealous Of My Single Friends and realised it was an important view point to include (Props to Angelica Malin who edited the book!)

It’s a lovely essay about spending her twenties coupled up and missing out on the things her single friends did. It’s also about how misguided it is for people to assume married people are the best people to ask for advice, something she points out as she noticed that when she got married people seemed to elevate her status and defer to her when someone needed relationship advice.

Anyway Rebecca’s essay made me wonder what other people missed about being single or what they were jealous of their single friends about. I decided to put it to Twitter (and Instagram). At first people seemed a bit shy but then the messages started coming in. Most people didn’t want to tweet publicly, which is quite interesting. But I’m so glad they chose to. I think it’s good to have a different perspective, especially if you are comparing yourself to friends or feeling like you are lacking or behind for not having a partner.

I know some people find it patronising when people say what they miss about single life (although I guess it depends on the context and how it’s being said) but I found the responses were really thoughtful and they all seemed to be said in good faith. Some of them had been long term single themselves. I haven’t included all as quite a few were the same. As you’ll see, there are definite themes! A few people simply told me they missed “everything” about being single. Of course I also had a few who felt the need to tell me they didn’t miss anything about being single. Those people didn’t understand the assignment and frankly, I do not believe them. There must be something, even a tiny thing (I have more thoughts on this but will save them for another time!)

Anyway the messages reminded me of all the great things about being single. They reminded me that people in relationships do lose things when they couple up (as my pal Tiffany Philippou, who incidentally has written this piece and this piece on grieving for her single identity when she partnered up, said in a voice note the other day: “All change is loss”). They reminded me that there is more I could do to make the most of being unattached (especially if one day I find myself attached. I don’t want to look back with regrets!). They reminded me to be grateful for the good things in my life, especially as lots of the things mentioned are things I do genuinely love. Sometimes we all need a little reminder to feel gratitude for what we do have.

Anyway here we go, for the first time in Single Supp history, I’m handing over to a bunch of coupled up people:

I still want to have fun

A friend of a friend is a jazz singer and is performing in a ‘singles night’ concert on V day… a group of my single girl friends were talking about going, I wasn’t explicitly uninvited but think they all assumed I would be busy! And it sounded so fun! 😢 I also miss the spontaneity of not being immediately able to say yes to stuff, without a second thought…

Bigger picture: I’ve had quite an international career, and now I’ve met someone in my current location (Paris), it does worry me what would happen should I ever want to move again.

– Harriet

The delicious bliss of the flat to myself

I miss alone time. The delicious bliss of swanning around a flat by myself is such a treat. The silence. Or just listening to music or cooking alone with no one there. In fact, both my wife and I enjoy it so much that pre-pandemic we had scheduled in hobbies so that we each had a night 'off' a week with the flat to ourselves until at least 9/10pm. I would plan meals (that she could have when home), or order take away, drink wine and enjoy sole possession of the remote control.

I understand that living alone is also not an option for most people, especially in their early 20s, but even when I lived with housemates I would retreat to my room and do something similar.

– Alice

The ability to book cheap flights on a whim

The thing I miss most about single life is the freedom to travel on a whim. I regularly check skyscanner for cheap flights and see deals like a return flight to Italy for £13. If I were still single I’d just book and go explore. Now I have to check when my partner has holiday availability from work and would be travelling with 2 small kids who can only go in term time.

I miss being able to quench my wanderlust thirst at the drop of a hat.

– Jo

The freedom to explore curiosities

These are the things I miss most about being single/what my single friends do that make me jealous. For context, I've been with my boyfriend for nine years.

The first is an unexpected sex life. One of my single friends has been exploring her sexuality with an organisation called Skirt Club (terrible name, but it sounds like fun). It essentially runs events for bi/gay/curious women and allows them a safe space to explore new things. Hearing about that makes me feel like I have missed out on that part of my life (I don't think I could handle an open relationship).

The second is the freedom to make decisions without having to take another person into consideration. The same friend of mine has just booked a group hiking holiday - it was an off the cuff decision and she leaves in two weeks.

This freedom also extends to the big decisions in her life. Another single friend of mine takes big travelling holidays every year and has lived in several countries abroad. Decisions like this get more complicated when there are two careers/people to take into consideration.

– Anon

I miss making my own decisions

The agency to be able to make your own decisions about social events without having to constantly negotiate diaries with an other (though this most applicable to coupled cohabitees with a child/children).

– Sally Howard (who incidentally has written a book on heterosexual domestic labour and its horrors which I am looking forward to reading)

I miss not having to consider in-laws in everything

I miss only having to please one family not two. I think for a woman there’s some weird inherited pressure that you must be a good daughter-in-law. Even without the gendered stuff, it’s quite a shock to basically take on another family and have to consider them in everything too.

– Anon

I miss the freedom

As a coupled up and cohabiting person, I think what I miss most is the ability to just pick up my life and walk away. I see jobs or fellowships that are overseas, and I think it would be nice to be able to apply without checking in with a partner. There are other factors involved (pets, friends and family, etc), but I think it's something I would have done more freely as a single person.

– Rachael

I miss being left in peace

I'm happily married but I still sometimes miss living on my own. I'm a very solitary person and sometimes after spending a few days cooped up together I wish I could politely tell the person cluttering up my home/kitchen/bed to go away to their own place and leave me in peace for a few days.

– Zoe

I get jealous of my friends dating stories

The ting I miss most and envy with my single friends is that excitement of dating. Meeting someone new, getting to know them, seeing where it goes. Maybe it was different for me because I got together with my husband when I was only 17 and we were long distance for nearly 5 years before we got married, so I’ve never got to experience that “normal” dating life. Love my husband but I do wish I’d had that at some point in my 20s. I definitely get jealous hearing my single friends talk about guys treating them on dates and all the fun they have.

– Holly

Here’s a few quick fire ones:

• “Having a double bed to myself every night and choosing to travel alone without justifying myself".”

• “My thing I miss is eating what I like when I like... My boyfriend watches what he eats as he's trying to lose weight so when I am with him, I support him.”

• “OMG. Everything. Spontaneous decisions, the most.”

• “I’m jealous my single friends only have to clean up their own mess.”

• “Just to consider only myself, even for dinner!”

• “For me, what I miss most is that feeling of feeling young. The single guys I know are still going out to the pub etc. Most days, I don't miss it but sometimes, you just want that feeling again.”

• “Not having in-laws.”

• “Having a tidy living space.”

• “Solitude, especially as I’m an introvert.”

• “Making plans on the fly and not having to run them by anyone. I think this might also be complicated by having a kid.”

• “The excitement of a night out (younger me) and camaraderie with single friends.”

• “Waking up alone and not having to make conversation with anyone first thing in the morning.”

• “The empowerment that comes with total independence and self reliance.”

• “Unknown possibilities.”

• “Everything.”

I think that will do. What did you think? Did any surprise you? Did any piss you off? I would love to know your thoughts.

Have a good week!

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

Things you should check out

• Romantic love isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. Here’s why we don’t need it – article of the week!

• I've never had sex, a boyfriend, or even my first kiss – and I'm not sure I ever will. Here's why I'm totally fine with that – “I freed myself from striving towards something I don’t believe would serve me.”

• I’m 37, I might be single for ever — and I’m happy with that – Made a mental note to message Aimee when seeing this headline because we clearly have a lot in common.

• Happy alone: the young South Koreans embracing single life – There are so many great quotes in this.

• Unattached edited by Angelica Malin review – all the single ladies – The Single Supp gets a mention in this by Pandora Sykes!

• 30 incredible writers pen empowering essays of singlehood in 'Unattached' – My essay gets a mention in this one plus you can read Rachel Thompson’s beautiful words in the extract from the book.

• Solo dates led me to realise that everything I need is already within me – I haven’t taken myself on a solo date for ages (still seem to be in pandemic mode I think…) I need to rectify this after reading the above!

• The joys (and pressures) of being single – Today in Focus podcast – Shout out to those of you who contacted me asking why I wasn’t on this podcast episode. I love you. But don’t let that stop you listening!

• Before the pandemic I was terrified of being single — now it’s my superpower – “For me, the key to finding my single superpower was being clearer with myself about what I actually want - not what society tells me I want.”

• What Is Black Love Today? – Scroll down for lots of great articles on this topic!

• Why I Use The Word Widow, Even Though I Wasn’t Married – There’s no word for people whose partners die unless they were married beforehand…

• I love living on my own – so why am I so scared of the dark? – In my experience this passes. Although occasionally I still get that thing where you start second guessing random sounds you hear.

• Can a fertility MOT help tell me if I want children? – This may be triggering to anyone mid-30s+ who wants to be a parent.

• Living in a woman’s body: it’s a potent myth that all women want children – but I have experienced other wonders – This is just one from a lovely series of essays that I’ve enjoyed reading. Check the others out too.

• These women are platonic life partners – here’s what that actually means – I love this but I also would love to revisit them in 10 or 15 years time because in my experience this kind of closeness won’t survive when romantic relationships get serious. Or maybe I’m being a total cynic?

• When a Major Life Change Upends Your Sense of Self – Love this.

• The death of the one-night stand — why millennials aren’t having casual sex anymore – “Is he worth disturbing your PH for?” made me LOL.

• 9 Books That'll Change The Way You Think About Love, Sex And Relationships – some further reading!

• I wrote about learning to (life) draw for Queen of Retreats – in case anyone is interested (also see instagram post before for lots of pics!)

• Have you joined the Facebook group? If not, click here.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, where I spend most of my time!

Some tweets I liked

Jen Kaarlo @jenkaarlo

A lovely woman came up to me at lunch and was happy I was eating/travelling alone. She said “your mum must be really proud.” I told her that in fact, my mom didn’t appreciate my lifestyle + wished I married a cowboy & had a bunch of kids. She then said,“you should be proud.” ❤️

February 5th 2022

5 Retweets56 Likes

Emma Duval @MillennialEmma

Happy birthday to Jennifer Aniston, who has been hounded for decades about the status of her uterus (and her relationships). Thank you for showing society that you can build your own successful and fulfilling life without children #childfree #childless

February 11th 2022

14 Retweets85 Likes

Kat Brown @katbrown

Hell yes, @dollyalderton’s mum! thetimes.co.uk/article/362e1a…

February 13th 2022

15 Retweets159 Likes

About me

nicola_slawson

A post shared by Nicola Slawson (@nicola_slawson)

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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