At home and abroad, tensions are escalating over the latest Israel-Hamas war, deepening long-held divisions. That’s making already difficult conversations even more difficult — particularly with friends, acquaintances, and colleagues who may have a different point of view. So we asked clinical psychologist Regine Galanti, PhD, for advice on how to have these difficult discussions, without fracturing relationships along the way. Here’s what she had to say…

Q: If someone brings up the war, but you’re not ready to talk about it, what’s the best way to set that boundary?

I like to encourage people to be a bit more assertive. [You could] say, “I hear what you’re asking, but I can’t talk about this right now. It’s not good for me.” Or, [you could say], “Maybe I’ll be ready later.” Recently, a friend sent me a message with his political views and wanted me to respond — knowing that we disagree politically. I had to say, “This is not the time for this for me.”

Q: Now, if you are ready to talk about it, is there anything you should consider before launching into a conversation with friends or acquaintances?

First, ask yourself: What’s my goal? What do I want to get out of that conversation? Do I want validation? A political debate? Just someone to hear me out? Or, am I looking to learn more about the issue? … That’ll help determine who you should have a conversation with — and whether the person you’re thinking of talking to is actually a good [fit]. Because if they can’t meet your needs — say, you just want to vent but you’re going into a convo with someone who’ll give you a history lesson — that’s going to feel really invalidating ... Another thing I’ve been telling patients [to consider]: Do you want to talk to someone who shares your views? Or do you want to avoid that? If you’re not sure what a person’s position might be, you can even prep them by saying, “I want to talk about this, but I’m really nervous that we might disagree. And what I’m looking for is someone to hear me out or validate my feelings.”

Q: Once you’re in a conversation, what can you do to keep it from getting too heated?

Be conscious about creating space for these kinds of conversations — don’t just let them pop up … I also like to take breaks in the middle of a conversation. You can say, “This is getting super intense. Can we just take a minute?” ... Distraction is [another] really effective coping mechanism ... So it’s okay to say, “Hey, this is a lot. Can we talk about something else and come back to this?” ... [And] if you know you’re going to disagree with someone, make a plan for how to handle difficult situations within that conversation [beforehand]. You could say, “I’m going to take deep breaths,” or “I’m going to wait 10 seconds before I respond to anything inflammatory.”

Q: There’s so much misinformation and disinformation out there — and sometimes people aren’t sure whether it’s worth correcting someone in the moment. What’s your take?

It depends on the context of the conversation. If you’re already in a heated debate and you say, “Hey, that one point is incorrect,” it’s probably not going to land well. But if you’re having a dialogue and can point to vetted sources, it could potentially be helpful. That’s even come up for me [over social media]. A friend posted an image from [X], and I looked it up because it was so horrible. It turned out it wasn’t true … so I sent her the information and she took it down. 

Q: Speaking of, a lot of arguments are happening over social media. What are your thoughts on that?

It’s really hard to change someone’s opinion [over] social media. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen an Instagram post that made me think, Oh, well, now I’ve changed my mind about this. Social media is not a place where we engage in thoughtful debate — it’s a place where we go to our own corners and generally support the people we already support. That’s no different here.

Q: Another thing some people struggle with is what to do if someone starts using language that’s discriminatory or offensive. What would you recommend?

If someone is saying something discriminatory, call it out — but call it out gently. A good way to help someone understand the damage of the language they’re using is to talk about your own feelings. Like, “When you say that, it really makes me feel…” It’s harder for people to argue with feelings than it is for them to argue with facts. But with dehumanizing language specifically, I think that should be called out because it causes more problems than it fixes. If you’re viewing the other side as less than human, this becomes more of an unsolvable problem.