False flag engine

We keep blaming Joe Rogan for conspiracy theories. But you know who’s the most to blame for ‘em? Google.

Because Google never tells you you’re crazy. You can enter the wackiest theory (i.e. “lizard people under the Denver airport”) and Google will just go, “Actually, I’ve been hearing about that. In fact, I know a guy who was just talking about the same thing. You two should meet.”

We’re like a bunch of drunks at a bar. Yet instead of cutting us off, the bartender keeps egging us on…

Us: “I’m hammered.”
Bartender: “Shots!”

Conspiracy theories are just the information version of this. Instead of tequila, it’s lizard people, inside jobs, and crisis actors…

Us: “How will Bill Gates microchip us?”
Google: “Shots!”

Quickies

🎯 All this talk about nepo babies is so lame. We should also be focusing on people who only have a career thanks to their spouse.

🎯 OnlyFans is a weird name. OnlyPayers feels more accurate.

🎯 Every interview with a comedian now turns into a weird State of the Union about comedy in general. We’re taking every silly goofball who tells jokes about Spirit Airlines in a random midwestern mall and making ‘em do double duty as Official Ambassador of Yuks.

🎯 Guy leading this meditation said I was meditating “not just for my own good, but for the benefit of all sentient human beings.” Sooooo…you’re WELCOME. I feel like the world’s most chill superhero. “What’s your superpower?” “Being present.” “Does that really save people?” “It’s more of a slow burn thing.”

🎯 There’s never been a better example of our society’s short-term memory than people getting excited about a Biden/Trump debate. Um, it’s not like the last one was Lincoln/Douglas, y’know?

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🎯 The constantly shifting TSA rules combined with their ferocious yelling at passengers for not knowing those rules is astounding. None of us enlisted in this army of incompetence. I always wanna reply, “Sorry, I don’t subscribe to TSA Monthly magazine, sir! I’ll try to do better next time!”

🎯 Jealous all these pro-Palestine folks get their own emoji (🍉). We need one that conveys Judaism in a cute way. I suggest the shrug emoji: 🤷🏻‍♂️. Don't like that idea? Oh well, what can I say? 🤷🏻‍♂️ (See, feels right.)

🎯 I'm king of the “!!” tapback emoji. What's it mean? Whatever you want!! “Exciting,” “Sad,” “I am acknowledging you typed something,” “I wish I wasn't included in this group chat but can't say so,” etc.

🎯 Every city is ______ Strong. Still waiting for one to come out as weak though: Cleveland Feeble, Tulsa Tired, St. Louis Focusing On Cardio Instead of Weights Right Now.

🎯 Thanks for a great run, Knicks. Wounded warriors who fought until the end. True “I’m walkin’ here” vibes. Love when a team reps its city like that.

Ten terms I just learned

📕 1) Shame closet:

A shame closet is that spot in your home where you cram the stuff that has nowhere else to go. It doesn’t have to be a closet. It can be a garage or a room or a chest of drawers or all of them at once. Whatever the space, it is defined by the absence of choices about what goes into it. There are things you need in there. There are things you will never need in there. But as the shame closet grows, the task of excavation or organization becomes too daunting to contemplate.

📕 2) Missing stair:

A metaphor for a person within a social group or organization who many people know is untrustworthy or otherwise has to be "managed," but around whom the group chooses to work by discreetly warning newcomers of their behavior, rather than address the person and their behavior openly.

📕 3) Anti-rites:

Mary Douglas defines a rite as “a symbolic act which draws its meaning from a cluster of standard symbols”; these symbols depend upon a certain order, or hierarchy, that organizes concepts and thereby allows for a sense of cognitive harmony. Jokes stand in opposition to this imposed organization of concepts since they “[confront] one accepted pattern with another.” Jokes are thus anti-rites, as anti-rites serve to dismantle preconceived notions of unity and hierarchy. 

📕 4) Dead Cat Bounce:

A dead cat bounce is a temporary, short-lived recovery of asset prices from a prolonged decline or a bear market that is followed by the continuation of the downtrend. Frequently, downtrends are interrupted by brief periods of recovery—or small rallies—during which prices temporarily rise.

📕 5) Negative Capability (according to John Keats):

When man is capable of being in uncertainties, Mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact & reason.

📕 6) Sodcasting:

A term was even coined in Britain for playing music on your phone in public: “sodcasting” — after “sod” for “sodomite”, i.e. something that only a total A**HOLE would do. Sodcasting was just an amuse bouche, though, compared with our current Bluetooth era, where amplifiers the size of golf-balls have dialed it all up to 11, and the age of full-spectrum public cacophony — including that thump-thump-thump of the bass that carries much farther than the sodcasting treble — has truly begun.

📕 7) The Lindy Effect:

The Lindy Effect states that the future life expectancy of a non-perishable item is proportional to its current age. It reflects the common adage that things that have stood the ‘test of time’ are things that you can rely on…Serves as a useful prompt to take a big picture view of trends and change.

📕 8) The counterspeech doctrine:

The counterspeech doctrine posits that the proper response to negative speech is to counter it with positive expression. It derives from the theory that audiences, or recipients of the expression, can weigh for themselves the values of competing ideas and, hopefully, follow the better approach.

📕 9) The dating app paradox:

The dating app does not make money from you finding a life partner—it needs you to keep looking, so the app provider can hold on to you as a recurring customer. These companies actually get rewarded by delivering the opposite of what they promise.

📕 10) Regret Minimization:

What choices can you make today that minimize the regret you'll feel as an 80-year-old looking back on your life? When you minimize future regret, you sleep well knowing you're maximizing fulfillment.

📕 Bonus: Sober curious…

My .02: Being "sober curious" is "California annoying."

Comedy plugs

🃏 Get jokes, info, and clips of my standup via social media: Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube.

🃏 Road dates coming up: Denver, Boulder, Arlington (VA), and Victoria (BC). Ticket info.

🃏 NYC weeklies:

• Tuesdays in NYC: HOT SOUP at Comedy Cellar (Tickets)

• Wednesdays in NYC: GOOD EGGS at NY Comedy Club (Tickets) | promo code SCRAMBLED

🃏 My other newsletter is Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian. It’s all about the nuts and bolts of standup.

🃏 You can listen to my podcast: Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby.

5-spotted

🗯️ Designer Frank Chimero made a list of stuff he learned in his 30s.

🗯️ If you want to belong, find a third place.

At their very best, third places allow people of differing backgrounds to cross paths — to develop what are known as bridging ties. As opposed to our closest connections, bridging social networks encompass people who have varying identities, social and economic resources, and knowledge. “Studies have shown that just having a diversity of folks in your life … more informal and infrequent and unplanned, can be really protective for health and well-being,” Finlay says. “Classically, third places were sites where you could build up these bridging ties.”

🗯️ Janie Haddad Tompkins is worried about the state of men and maleness right now in American culture.

Our culture has already brainwashed swaths of people toward mythological beauty standards and now everyone has veneers and nose jobs that we see on our screens. But now culture is moving its sights on men and “masculinity.” We all don’t need to become cartoons! Uniqueness and individuality are valuable human traits still. Aren’t they? AREN’T THEY???!!!

I just wish people would let other people seek and fulfill their own destinies. The people I admire the most in this life, are those who have the courage to be themselves. Authenticity is SO RELAXING TO BE AROUND.

🗯️ Ari Shavit, Israeli reporter, on people talking about Israel as a colonizing nation.

We have been the ultimate other of white Europe for 1,500 years. We never knew where we’ll sleep next year. We will never know what will happen to us. And then we became white Europe’s ultimate victim.

So we ran away from white Europe. We were not sent by white Europe. How can you totally attack the right of a homeless people to have a home? We are not part of imperialism. We are a small persecuted people that somehow saved itself at the last moment.

And in order to prevent the death of a people, they transferred them from one continent and several continents. They revived the language. They built a society, created a state, a nation. It’s an incredible, incredible human endeavor. You don’t have to be Jewish or pro-Israeli to see that.

🗯️ Bill Burr was perfect foil for Bill Maher. Wish more pods were antagonistic. So much more entertaining than the usual agreementfests.

Rock on,
Matt