Taylor Swift and I are both touring Europe this week. Slightly different sized venues. And she’s probably not taking the train between cities. And I bet none of the venue owners asked her to help ‘em move a keg right before going onstage. But otherwise, it’s probably very similar. 

(So far for me: Paris, Brussels, Luxembourg, Leuven, Up next: Rotterdam, Ghent, Utrecht, and Amsterdam. Ticket info here.)

By the way, why do trains always pretend to have working wi-fi? Just be real with me, trains. We all know your wi-fi is more on again/off again more than J. Lo and Ben Affleck. No need for the bait and railroad switch.

I’ve been enjoying riding the rails though. It’s giving me 90’s Eurail pass Before Sunrise flashbacks.

I actually studied abroad in Belgium and this is the first time I’ve returned since. Within an hour of arriving in Brussels, a torrential downpour started. That’s when I remembered: Oh yeah, this is why I’ve never been back. The place is so rainy it makes Seattle seem downright tropical.        

Here’s a joke I did in Belgium last night:

I’m a Jew which apparently now means I’m a colonizer. That’s why I decided to come visit Belgium...I wanted to learn from the best. 

They loved it.

Before Belgium, I was in France. Speaking of Jew stuff, this was the first time I clocked how much French and Jewish people have in common. We’re both obsessed with breakfast bread (croissants/bagels). We both make weird noises (“pfffft”/“oy”). We both think we’re smarter than everyone else (snobs/chosen). We both love to complain. And we’ve both had plenty of issues with the Germans (WWII/WWII). C’est la vie/Oy vey.

Here’s a joke I did in France:

Polyamory is when you’re in a relationship but you still sleep with a bunch of other people. Or as the French call it: Marriage.

They did not love it.

As for the shows, they’ve been really fun. English-speaking standup shows have been taking off in Europe (thanks largely to podcasts/YouTube/Netflix) and the crowds at these shows are an interesting mix of young, international ex-pats. Lotta students in the mix too.

Honestly, they’re probably the smartest crowds I’ve ever performed for. In America, the typical audience member is a baseball cap bro eating chicken fingers. Here, I’m doing crowdwork with philosophy grad students, nanotechnology engineers, and World Bank employees who all speak multiple languages. Last night in Leuven, I made references to Hegel and the Congo and the crowd totally got it. Uh, weird.

That said, some of the gigs do have the vibe of an English as a Second Language class disguised as a comedy show. Like the regular instructor didn’t show up and I’m the weird substitute teacher who keeps bringing up abortion, incels, and emotional support dogs for some reason. 

(Note: They don’t have incels over here. I think that’s because any dude who speaks French could just go to America, start talking, and get laid based on the accent alone.)

It’s neat to see the spread of standup because most of the world doesn’t have comedians telling jokes; most of the world just has prank shows. And man, I hate pranks.

See, wherever I’ve been, there’s always some TV show where they cruelly trick people for laughs: “We convinced this elderly Brazilian woman there’s a ghost in her elevator. Let’s all guffaw at her near-heart attack because she thinks she sees dead people. Hilarious!” Blech. I’ll take jokes, punchlines, and a point of view over “There’s a gorilla riding the escalator at this shopping mall – let’s see what happens!”

Something else I’ve learned from traveling is everyone thinks their culture is special even when it’s totally not. For example: showing up late. Black people in America have CPT. Indian people have Indian Standard Time. Brazilian people have Brazilian time. Jamaican people have island time. They all think they’re unique for showing up an hour late. But actually, it’s just that white people always show up early for everything. That’s why I now always show up an hour late. It’s my way of proving I’m an ally.  

In Luxembourg, I asked the crowd if there are any special events unique to the country. “Duck race!” they shouted back. Huh? Turns out the whole country stops once a year to race inflatable ducks (and get drunk).

I was having a great set so that kinda hurt since it made me realize what a low bar there is for entertainment in Luxembourg. I spend years honing these jokes when apparently all I really need is a couple rubber duckies, a fan, and a bathtub. 

That reminds me of a TV warmup comic who once told me, “There’s nothing more depressing than spending years getting good at comedy only to realize you’ll never generate as much excitement as a t-shirt gun.”

Well, at least it’s not a gorilla on an escalator.

Comedy

🃏 A few more Euro dates left. Come through. Tickets and tour dates.

Also coming up: Denver, Boulder, Arlington (VA), Boston, and Victoria (BC).

🃏 Get jokes, info, and clips of my standup via social media: Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube.

🃏 My other newsletter is Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian. It’s got wisdom on standup from folks like Seinfeld, Burr, Chappelle, etc.

🃏 You can listen to my podcast: Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby. We’re doing video versions of it now too!

Seinfeld’s PR blitz

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