Good morning, friends.
When you think about loneliness, you don’t exactly picture Batman.
Val Kilmer was the leading man of the 1990s, playing Batman, Iceman, Doc Holliday, and Jim Morrison. By 1995, he was raking in $6 million per film. But over the years, Kilmer became a social recluse who now admits to “feeling lonely part of every day.”
Whether you’re a world-famous actor or a grandmother living in Japan, loneliness is a universal human experience. And in a time when we’re all sheltering-in-place, I began to wonder what social distancing could be doing to our psyche.
So I decided to turn to my friend and prolific writer Laura Entis. She has covered loneliness in its many forms for years. Laura has written all about loneliness, including articles about clinical trials for a loneliness pill, the importance of physical touch, and the impact of boredom on our creative process.
I caught up with Laura to discuss America’s loneliness epidemic, why solitude can help us regulate our emotions, and what we can do in our everyday lives to preserve a sense of meaning and connection. Below is an excerpt from our conversation. (Read the full Q&A here.)
Q: What is loneliness?
LAURA: Loneliness is perceived social isolation, or the gap between what you want your social relationships to be like and how you perceive them to be. While it’s certainly possible to be lonely when you’re alone, the adage “lonely in a crowd” can also be true. If you crave connection but don’t feel close to those around you, even if you’re surrounded by other people — that’s still loneliness.
Loneliness comes in various shades. Much has been made of the “epidemic” of chronic loneliness —which we’ll get to later — but often, loneliness is a temporary state. The late John Cacioppo, who was a pioneer of loneliness research, described the condition as functioning like an alarm bell. Humans evolved to be social creatures. Loneliness, like hunger or thirst, prompts us to seek a vital resource: connection.
You’ve written about how scientists are conducting clinical trials for a loneliness pill. Can we really cure loneliness with a pill?
Researchers often describe chronic loneliness as a vicious cycle. Cacioppo believed this is an adaptive response — humans needed other humans to survive. If a member of the group was ostracized, however, trying to re-enter the social hierarchy too forcefully could lead to violence or an even more dramatic exclusion. Loneliness served as both a prompt to seek out others as well as an antenna constantly scanning for potential social threats.
On a temporary basis, loneliness pushes us to form connections. But when it’s prolonged, it can cause the brain to detect social threats everywhere, even when none exist. In the long-term, chronic loneliness literally changes the brain, making us hypersensitive to any sign of social rejection.
This permanently stressed state isn’t good for our health. Over time, it produces a process called weathering, in which resources are continually diverted to stress and flight responses, making the body less able to repair tissues and fight off infection, among other functions.
According to Cacioppo and other researchers like Steve Cole, this pattern of retreat and further isolation is really hard to break. That’s where the idea for a loneliness “pill” comes in.
Stephanie Cacioppo, director of the Brain Dynamics Lab at the University of Chicago and John’s widow, is studying the effects of a neurosteroid called pregnenolone, which has been used in the treatment of stress disorders and could potentially ease the brain’s overreaction to social threats. When I spoke with her for the article you mentioned, she emphasized that the goal isn’t to stop people from feeling lonely, but to mitigate its negative effects on the brain and body.
Honestly, I don’t quite know what to make of this — I wrote about her research over a year ago and am not up-to-date on how the trials have progressed. But treating loneliness like a diagnosable disorder is certainly interesting. If pharmacological treatments work, it could potentially help a lot of people break the cycle of hyper-vigilance and retreat.
It seems like society doesn’t know the difference between solitude and loneliness. Isn’t it true that solitude can help us regulate emotions, while loneliness dulls them?
Loneliness, or the discrepancy between the social relationships we want and those we believe we have, is a subjective feeling that, by definition, isn’t very pleasant. According to Cacioppo, loneliness is adaptive, just like pain is adaptive. They’re ultimately negative experiences that increase our odds of survival.
Solitude, on the other hand, is frequently enjoyable, a deliberate choice rather than an unwanted state. Many people are happy spending the majority of their time alone. Being by yourself only transitions into loneliness when the experience sharpens your longing for the company of others.
Because the lonely brain diverts so much energy to threat detection, other details can get lost. Solitude, on the other hand, often provides the space we need to observe and make connections, either about the external world or about our own feelings and emotions.
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In this Rolling Stone profile on Elon Musk, the billionaire explains that if he’s not in a romantic relationship, he cannot be happy. He says, “I will never be happy without having someone. Going to sleep alone kills me.” How is it possible that someone with so much money, connections, and fame in the world can be lonely?
Oh man, that’s dark. I think it goes back to the core of what loneliness is — that gulf between the relationships you want and those you feel you have. So maybe Elon, who, as you mention, is ridiculously rich and likely surrounded by lots of people who tell him he’s brilliant, doesn’t feel like anyone truly knows him or that he is capable of having honest, meaningful relationships.
I can’t remember who told me this, but I like it: The difference between loneliness versus solitude often comes down to how secure we feel in our social relationships. If we feel confident and happy about the people in our lives, time alone is something that can be enjoyed — we know that if we need connection we can get it, which allows us to savor being by ourselves.
But if we don’t feel truly connected to people who “see” and understand us, time spent alone, without the distraction of other people, can be brutal. Maybe that’s what’s going on with Elon? (Although maybe Grimes “sees” him? Unclear.)
What are some practical non-obvious things we can do in our everyday lives to make sure we don’t end up anxious and lonely?
What stuck with me is advice from Steve Cole, whose research suggests that one of the most effective ways to break the cycle of chronic loneliness is to pursue a goal or a sense of purpose larger than yourself, ideally one that requires you to interact and cooperate with other people. Maybe it’s volunteering. Maybe it’s searching for spirituality. Maybe it’s simply completing a meaningful project at work. Focusing on a shared vision — particularly one that you care deeply about — helps distract us from the lonely brain’s hyper-critical loops, allowing us to let our guard down and build new connections.
I think it also helps to recognize what kind of relationships make us happy and fulfilled. Loneliness only occurs when there’s a discrepancy between the relationships we want and those we feel we have, which is why some people can lead truly solitary lives without being lonely. As long as your relationships are personally satisfying, they’re going to help ease loneliness. And what this looks like will differ dramatically from person to person.
Finally, if you find yourself feeling lonely, especially now, don’t panic. While it makes sense that researchers and health experts are concerned about the prevalence of chronic loneliness, it’s also possible to go too far in the other direction, pathologizing a state that in its temporary form, is simply part of being human.
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THE DOSSIER: On Wednesday, paying members received The Profile Dossier, a comprehensive deep-dive on a prominent individual. It featured Kenneth Feinberg, the person America turns to in the wake of our worst catastrophes. Become a Profile member to read Kenneth’s feature, and receive all future dossiers here.
JOSH WOLFE Q&A: I did a monster Q&A with Lux Capital co-founder Josh Wolfe, covering everything from his investment thesis to assessing risk to what trends he sees in a post-COVID-19 world. Check out an excerpt in The Hustle here.
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PROFILES.
— The ex-Google CEO advising the U.S. military [**HIGHLY RECOMMEND**}
— Hollywood’s best storyteller
— North Korea’s dealmaker
— The comedian with no jokes
— The surfer who turned into a cold-blooded murderer
— The ice swimming champions
— The couple building a food and design empire
— The oil juggernaut that sunk into mediocrity
— The company frozen in time
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PEOPLE TO KNOW.
The ex-Google CEO advising the U.S. military: Eric Schmidt, the former CEO of Google, has reinvented himself as the prime liaison between Silicon Valley and the military-industrial complex. “You absolutely suck at machine learning,” Schmidt told a four-star general and head of the U.S. Special Operations Command. “If I got under your tent for a day, I could solve most of your problems.” Here’s how he’s leveraging his Silicon Valley experience to transform himself into an expert on national defense. (The New York Times)
“It’s insane that you have people going to service academies, and we spend an enormous amount of training, training these people, and we put them in essentially monotonous work.”
Hollywood’s best storyteller: Val Kilmer is trying to emerge from obscurity — and this time, he got the Taffy Brodesser-Akner profile treatment. Before you can understand the story of what happened to 1980s movie hunk Val Kilmer, you first have to understand why he believes what he believes. To you and me, his perspective may seem totally disconnected from reality, but in the wake of COVID-19, doesn’t everything feel disconnected from reality? Suddenly, Kilmer begins to make a whole lot more sense. Make sure you read this one to the end. (The New York Times)
“Everyone has to work out their own salvation.”
North Korea’s dealmaker: Alejandro Cao de Benós fell in love with North Korea when he was 13 years old living in Spain, and he’s dedicated his life to helping the closed-off country do business ever since. North Korea doesn’t compensate him directly in any way, but he makes money by commission. When a company signs a deal to invest with North Korea, Cao de Benós takes what he calls a “tiny fraction” from the foreigner’s side. This is a story about a man who brokers relationships between capitalists and a regime that dislikes them but not their money. (Bloomberg)
“I will sacrifice myself in the capitalist jungle and fight my way.”
The comedian with no jokes: Comedian Jerry Seinfeld is self-conscious in a way you never see in his act. Whenever he cracks a joke, he wonders whether it’s appropriate to do so or if people even want to laugh right now. Like the rest of us, Seinfeld is trying to figure out what he should do now as live comedy has been cancelled along with everything else. In this interview, the comedian discusses his reflections in quarantine, his need for routine, and what he hopes comedy and New York will look like when this all ends. (The New York Times)
“I’m not in the mood to be funny. It’s like you’re a bird and then suddenly they change your cage. You’re just not sure who you are now.”
The surfer who turned into a cold-blooded murderer: In the 1960s, Jack Roland Murphy was known as a hall of fame surfer called Murph the Surf. But in his spare time, he was a violent criminal. He broke into the American Museum of Natural History and stole $3 million worth of precious stones. Finally, his participation in the senseless, brutal murder of two women earned him a lifetime in prison. When should a man be forgiven? And who gets to decide? This is a complicated story about Murph the Surf’s new life as a minister. (Sports Illustrated)
“Here’s a guy who was a maniac—an egotistical, narcissistic, self-serving human being. If you believe, ‘If you have bad blood, you have bad blood, and that’s it,’ then you look at Jack as an actor. But if you’re a believer, you look at him as a minister.”
The ice swimming champions: Because there aren’t enough crazy things in the world, here’s another one: Ice swimming. The Memphremagog Winter Swim Festival in Vermont is the only subzero meet in North America. Cold-water swimming is considered “ice swimming” when it’s done at temperatures of 5 degrees Celsius or less, about 41 degrees Fahrenheit. Take a glimpse into the bizarre world of competitive ice swimming. (Men’s Health)
“I remind myself that the pain is just my body’s way to protect me.”
The couple building a food and design empire:Joanna Gaines and her husband, Chip, the co-stars of makeover show “Fixer Upper,” have built a massive lifestyle empire. In just seven years, their Magnolia brand has expanded into restaurants, craft markets, books, villas, real estate agencies, furniture, a magazine, a Target brand, and their own cable channel, the Magnolia Network. Although their work seems to divide along traditional gender lines, Joanna is the driving force behind the brand. Here’s how they built it. (The New York Times)
COMPANIES TO WATCH.
Hollywood’s new obsession: TikTok, the popular short-form video app, has been downloaded more than two billion times. But it’s not just a hit with teens — celebrities are also flocking. Whether it’s Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez dancing to Megan Thee Stallion’s “Savage,” or Jason Derulo lip-synching to his own song, TikTok has been attracting A-Listers determined to get in on the hype. (Hollywood Reporter)
The oil juggernaut that sunk into mediocrity: Perhaps no company has been humbled as profoundly by the COVID-19 crisis as Exxon, the West’s largest oil producer by market value. But the pandemic isn’t primarily to blame; the culprit is just as much the company itself. The coronavirus exposed decades worth of miscalculations. Here’s how Exxon missed the shale boom, overspent on projects, and saw its debt rise to $50 billion as its stock plummeted. (Bloomberg)
“I would be less than honest if I were to say to you ... we saw it all coming, because we did not, quite frankly.”
The company frozen in time: The Chive is a website dedicated to “humor, hotness, and humanity.” You might remember it from the mid-2000s when it was the go-to destination for college-aged men who wanted to look at racy photos on the Internet. How is it still around a decade later, you may wonder. Well, its executives have doubled down on a business model that they believe scales across decades: beer and boobs. (The Verge)
This installment of The Profile is free for everyone. If you would like to get full access to all of the recommendations, including today’s audio and video sections, sign up below.
AUDIO TO HEAR.
Bill Ackman on overcoming soul-crushing failure: Legendary investor Bill Ackman is known for making bold bets that don’t always pan out the way he had hoped. But he’s aware that success cannot exist without the searing pain of failure. “Success is not a straight line up,” he says. “I’ve had a view that how successful you are is a function of how you deal with failure.” In this wide-ranging conversation, Ackman discusses his appetite for risk, overcoming failure, and what he’s learned from Warren Buffett. (Link available to paying subscribers.)
Josh Wolfe on betting on the unknown: Josh Wolfe is one of the most futuristic venture capitalists betting on startups many would call moonshots. In this conversation, Wolfe explores how he navigates cognitive biases, the mental courage to take on the unknown, the shrinking gap between reality and simulation, and why he believes the greatest act of terrorism would be the revelation of our emails and texts. (Link available to paying subscribers.)
Elizabeth Gilbert on speaking the truth: At the end of her best-selling book, “Eat, Pray, Love,” Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about how she found love with José Nunes. What you probably don’t know is what happened after. She divorced Nunes and married her best friend, Rayya Elias. Rayya passed away two years ago, and she taught Elizabeth a lot of lessons she still carries today. In this conversation, Gilbert talks about trusting your intuition, leading with the truth, and why you have to bathe in grief. (Link available to paying subscribers.)
Sophia Amoruso on navigating life’s (many) ups and downs: Sophia Amoruso founded Nasty Gal, a women's fashion retailer that was valued at more than $400 million at its peak. And then things came crumbling down. Nasty Gal fell apart, and the company had to file for bankruptcy. But Amoruso didn’t go away. Her autobiography #GIRLBOSS turned into a bestseller and Netflix made a show about her life. Here’s how Amoruso became an accidental entrepreneur and navigated the obstacles that threatened to tarnish her brand forever. (Link available to paying subscribers.)
VIDEOS TO SEE.
Michelle Obama’s rebirth: After eight years of being the nation’s first lady, Michelle Obama got the opportunity to build a new life and identity for herself. In this documentary, she explains just how overwhelming and all-encompassing the journey has been for herself, her husband, and her kids. The film takes viewers on Michelle’s book tour following Barack’s presidency, and how she’s learning to be less scripted and more carefree. (Link available to paying subscribers.)
Elon Musk’s futuristic ideas: Just days after his son’s birth, Elon Musk did a two-hour podcast to explain what on earth is going on in the Musk universe. For one, he explains why he named his child X Æ A-12. But then he delves into topics around brain stimulation, his opinion on coronavirus containment measures, and why he’s not Warren Buffett’s biggest fan. Lots of things to think about in this one. (Link available to paying subscribers.)
Reese Witherspoon on disrupting Hollywood’s power dynamic: Reese Witherspoon and Sarah Harden built Hello Sunshine, a media brand dedicated to producing women-focused stories. In this interview, Reese recounts how she’s navigated the transition from actress to producer to entrepreneur and why she decided to partner with The Chernin Group to take her business to the next level. (Link available to paying subscribers.)
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