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It was last fall, in the midst of preparing to host Thanksgiving for the first time in my Brooklyn apartment, that I became obsessed with a woman on TikTok who was, in all respects, doing it much, much better than me.

For days, my feed filled up with Cecilia Tolone’s adventures in preparing a Friendsgiving for 18 people in her apartment, which involved a detailed spreadsheet, a week-long schedule, and like, actually silver silverware.  

Tolone is a professional pastry chef, and I am merely someone who loves to throw parties. But there’s something about hosting an actual holiday that’s especially intimidating. 

So I asked Tolone and other pro hosts to share their advice on holding a gathering without going broke — or losing your grip.  

Megan Fitzgerald, who has worked in event planning for 15 years, went viral earlier this spring for her adaptation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, but for party hosting. At the bottom are the basic comfort necessities for guests: a clean space, a bathroom stocked with enough toilet paper, and enough water (with enough cups) to go around.

The other tiers — “communication,” “belonging,” “fun,” and “surprise” are the cherries on top, covering things like how to inform your guests of crucial information, making sure each guest has at least two or three people they’ve already met at least once, and creating a theme or an activity to break the ice. (You’ll notice that none of these require a ton of spending!)

She also advises finding the “why” of your party: Maybe it’s that you’re hoping to establish new traditions within your circle, or that you want to reconnect with your religion. Maybe you want your home to feel like a safe haven for folks who don’t have anywhere else to go during the holidays. “If you know your ‘why,’ a lot of those [hosting decisions] will fall into place,” Fitzgerald says.

“This, I have very strong feelings about,” says Tolone, after I mention the cheap Amazon banners, photo backdrops, or themed paper plates and napkins I see at events. 

Tolone’s approach is to slowly build a hosting toolkit over time, not on Amazon but at thrift stores. “If you’re hosting Thanksgiving, you don’t have to have everything this year. This year can be for candlesticks, and next year can be for the tablecloth. Hosting is a lifestyle. You will collect things — and thrift, thrift, thrift!”

A holiday gathering — particularly Thanksgiving — is one of those times where if you don’t think your pants are about to burst by the end of the night, you feel like you’ve wasted the day. So making or ordering enough food for everyone to have a heaping first plate (and ideally a second) is a must.

Southern Living recommends calculating about a pound of food per person, and half a pound per child. For turkey, make sure you’ve got a pound and a half per person (because the bones and the water cooking off means you’ll be left with about 8 ounces per person). Another way to think about it: Each person should have around 5 bites for an appetizer, 8 ounces of protein, and another 8 ounces of sides total.

“You need a spoonful of stuffing for 15 people,” says Tolone. “When you break down the food, it’s a lot of carbs and frozen vegetables, which are actually pretty affordable.”

If you’re still worried you might not have enough food, it might help knowing that Ina Garten thinks that’s chic, actually. “People have more fun if they don’t eat so much they have to be taken home in an ambulance,” she said in her 2004 book on entertaining.  

For wine, stock at least one bottle per wine-drinking person. “I know that sounds crazy,” Fitzgerald says, “But if you’re there for four hours, that’s a glass of wine an hour!”

There’s nothing wrong with asking guests to bring their own dishes if you can’t shoulder the entire expense, but it requires advance planning and perhaps a shared spreadsheet. Last year, my biggest stressor was whether the person who agreed to bring the mashed potatoes would flake at the last minute. I could only send so many reminders: How could I be a good potluck host without sounding like a drill sergeant?

As Daniel Post Senning of the Emily Post Institute explains, “This is the art of good etiquette. It’s about being consistent and persistent without being demanding or disappointed.” 

Fitzgerald recommends leaning on your most type-A, reliable friends. Send a group text with a list of everything you need, and have them volunteer for their dishes. “Then the people you can’t rely on, just tell them to bring wine,” she says. It’s a good idea for the host to at least supply the main dish, however, even if it’s takeout. 

“I actually think some forms of takeout are secretly less expensive than cooking,” says Fitzgerald. “If you go to a restaurant that does, like, a vat of pasta, sometimes it can be 70 bucks and you can feed 15 people.”

Earlier this year, the New York Times ran a piece where they asked dozens of professionally fun and stylish people to give their best party advice. Almost all of them emphasized the same point: Stop stressing out.

“If you stress out, then everything is going to stress you out,” said one investment executive. Another said, “When you invite people into your home, you need to let go.”

Other old etiquette standbys can still be useful: “Make sure you greet every person as they arrive,” says Senning. “Make introductions appropriately, check in with them, and thank them for coming and for any contributions that they made.”

Senning also suggests finding small ways to make the party special, like making a toast: “Maybe it’s a signature drink, or a moment where the family gets up and shares what they’ve done in the last year. But think about some things that you could do that would make a holiday gathering where people have made a little extra effort to get there. As a host, you can have fun with that. Reward it, honor it, match it.”

In my own case, the most fun part of Thanksgiving was after dinner, when I was sitting with my girlfriends on the floor around the coffee table, playing silly drinking games and singing to the music we listened to in high school. When all is said and done, “People will forget whether the roast was a little overdone, or whether someone brought this salad or that salad,” he adds. “But they will remember how they felt in your company.”

How to get through the holidays without going broke 

The money pressures of the holidays are legion. Read more from Even Better's guide to get you through the season with both your credit score and sanity intact.

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