Issue #173: what does allyship mean to you?

Hi ,

As the Black Lives Matter protests continue and Pride month marches on, it’s a great time to talk about allyship. (Though, to be clear, it’s never a bad time!) An ally is a person who stands with or advocates for individuals and groups that they are not personally a part of. Showing up is about showing up for everyone, especially people who have less privilege and power than you do. If you want to step up your game, here are some tips to keep in mind. 

Actually see people’s full identity.
Believing everyone is equal and deserving of love, support, and happiness is a good thing, but saying “I didn’t even realize you were queer!” or “I don’t see color” communicates that these differences don’t matter. (When someone tells me they didn’t notice I’m Black, I...have some questions for them!) What you probably mean is this shouldn’t matter. But the reality is that it does, and it’s important to acknowledge the way these identities fundamentally shape people’s life experiences. (And even if you mean well, saying you didn’t notice subtly implies that this aspect of their identity is somehow bad, or something they wouldn’t want you to notice.) 

Be willing to shut down nasty jokes and comments.
My two favorite responses for these moments come from Alison Green of Ask a Manager: “I hope you aren’t saying that because you think [I/we] agree with you” and “I hope you don’t mean that like it sounds.” Elegant, direct, effective. And don’t underestimate the power of a linemouth, double-take, and/or really awkward silence—body language can go a long way to communicate, “Wow, extremely not cool.” 

Let people label themselves, reclaim slurs or insults related to their identity, and/or make jokes about their identity.
Not all words are ours to use and not all jokes are ours to make. The appropriateness of certain words, nicknames, and jokes depends on the identity of the speaker and their relationship to the subject matter. (If you called your teachers Mr. or Mrs. instead of using their first names or calling them “Mom” and “Dad,” then you already understand this.)

Instead of expecting others to educate you, educate yourself.
Reading a few articles or listening to a podcast before having a conversation with a friend about, say, defunding the police makes their life much easier, and communicates respect for their time and energy. It says, “I care about you and don’t want to waste your time, so I made sure to do my homework.” (P.S. Asking a friend what you should read counts as asking a friend to educate you, so make a point to Google or take advantage of the many lists of resources floating around right now.) 

Listen.
When a person from a marginalized group is talking, it’s a good time to.... not. But also: We should all listen to people from different groups or backgrounds regularly. So look at the authors you’re reading, the influencers you follow, the podcasts you listen to the most; do they all look/sound/seem alike in key ways? If so, why is that the case, and what can you do to change that? Also try to seek out a broad range of voices within these groups (because all of the people of a certain background don’t necessarily share the same views).

Hand over the mic.
Sometimes, showing up means speaking up on behalf of someone else who can’t or is afraid to; other times, you should seek to amplify the voices of people whose lived experiences are being discussed. If you’re not sure, ask what they’d prefer. Regardless, make a point not to center your feelings or experiences—keep the focus on others. You can also apply ring theory here—dump your thoughts and feelings out to the people who are not marginalized versus in to the people at the center of the ring in a given situation.

Avoid bombarding your friends with upsetting articles/news that relate to their identity.
Here’s what I mean: I read and share articles about sexism and racism fairly frequently. Sometimes, my friends will come across an article about a really horrible incident of violence against women or Black people and think, “I should send that to Rachel!” Which I get! It seems like the sort of thing I’d be interested in! But sometimes it’s really jarring or triggering or I need a break from the terrible news cycle. So it’s wise to be gentle and thoughtful when sharing this kind of content (especially in a moment like this when there’s a lot happening all at once).

When you need help or support, lean on other allies.
There will be times when you as an ally might feel overwhelmed, confused, or even defensive, and you’ll need to work through or process those feelings with someone. A person in the marginalized group affected really isn’t the right audience for this. So buddy up with some other allies who you trust, and make a point to talk to them about what to do about, say, being called out by someone who is in a marginalized group. Besides being kind, it’s actually just more effective—because your fellow allies will probably have the best advice for you in these moments, as they’ve likely experienced some version of what you’re going through.