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A weird thing happened the other day. I was writing this week’s agony aunt column and decided to crowdsource some answers. The topic was how to find a man without doing online dating. It’s a question I almost didn’t answer because what do I know about that? And this newsletter is very much not about dating or finding someone. But then I thought it would be fun to see how other people met each other when Tinder or Hinge weren’t involved. To get some answers I posted this tweet on Twitter.
About 30 minutes after posting I had enough examples of how to meet someone without going on dating apps. There was everything from the couple who met walking the dog to the woman who sold her car to a guy who would become her future husband. I sent the column with all the tweets embedded, closed my Twitter app down and went to a two hour meeting. When I came out of it, I realised my tweet had blown up.
I expected a handful of responses but to date 432 people have responded underneath and around 15 more by DM. At first I was totally charmed. There are some really lovely love stories and even though I write celebrating single life, I’m actually still a massive romantic. Some of them were particularly sweet or heartwarming and I couldn’t help but smile but then some of them began to irritate me. I might not have been that clear in the original tweet but I said I was doing an agony aunt column, wasn’t it obvious I was asking to help inspire someone who is looking now? The ones that told me they met at University halls of residence or went to school together were never going to help my reader who had sent in the question. Several met at nightclubs and again that isn’t going to happen right now thanks to the pandemic so again not at all helpful.
Then the mummy bloggers found my tweet and I had a series of smug responses that made my eyes roll because all of them shoehorned in the fact they had a child or children with their partner. I am paraphrasing but one of them basically said: “Met at work in 2013, engaged 2015, married 2016, bought a house 2017, had a baby 2018. Another one on the way #blessed”. Thanks mate but I didn’t ask for a breakdown of the years you hit the life milestones society thinks we should all meet.
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After a while, I had to stop reading the responses. I put out some tweets to say I had enough people but still the tweets came. I could have just deleted the original tweet but several people had quote-tweeted it saying it was a lovely read so I felt bad. But it really began to bring me down. I felt like I was being bombarded by other people’s love or in the words of someone I know who also responded: “I feel attacked by this tweet.” In desperation I tweeted begging people to stop and although things have slowed down, people are still tweeting me their meet-cutes or sliding into my DMs to tell me their love stories. Every new notification (by this time they were all from perfect strangers) made me yell GO AWAY at my phone.
The question is why did this bother me so much. I'm never one not to be happy for other people and as mentioned above I’m a romantic so I do enjoy a good love story. I always cry at weddings (happy tears I should add!), I squeal when my friends get engaged and yet 450 strangers, friends and colleagues sharing their love stories on Twitter made me want to get back into bed. I’m not exaggerating when I say that. It felt like a huge weight weighing me down.
I’m almost too scared to analyse this response. It could be something to do with the timing. There’s a second wave of the pandemic building here in the UK and many parts of the country are under stricter rules or local lockdowns. The numbers of cases is soaring again and it feels like we are back to where we were in March. Although I live in an area that is still in tier one – so the lowest level of restrictions – it doesn’t feel like it will be long before we join those in London or the North West. The prospect of a winter lockdown – especially now I’m back living by myself – feels particularly bleak.
I’m sure that none of you have accidentally done what I did but perhaps you relate the way it made me feel? Sometimes I’m swimming through life, feeling perfectly content about my relationship status and then suddenly it will hit me like a ton of bricks that there is no-one out there shouting on Twitter about how they met me and how it was the greatest day of their life. Although, to be fair, non of my ex-boyfriends were the type to declare their undying love for me on social media so it’s not likely this would happen even if I was with someone! It’s funny how the brain works though.
Anyway I’ve decided to take action to get some different stories in my notifications. I have just put a tweet out asking how people met their best friends as a way to counter what I accidentally started earlier in the week so please comment with your best friend love story to help save my notifications.
On a related note, I was excited to have a spoken word poet perform at Friday’s birthday party for this newsletter. The first poem Melanie Branton performed is really fitting to this topic because I’m usually either told “you need to get yourself on the dating apps more and stop being so fussy” or I’m told, that like the 450 people who responded to my tweet, “it will happen when you least expect it.”
By the way if you were one of the people who sent me your love story, please don’t feel bad. I asked for it! I literally brought this all on myself.
Lots of love,
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
What caught my attention
Single woman - Cruel Summer Book Club newsletter
This newsletter by Jillian Anthony is one of my favourites. She decided recently to spend a year travelling around the US and is now writing about her experiences. In this edition, she talks about a man making a comment that they couldn’t believe she wanted to travel on her own. She writes: “His response is expected and predictable, one I’m certain I will hear many times from many people as I travel. People are afraid of being alone. They think a woman over 30 spending time alone is dreadfully sad. That women shouldn’t travel alone because it’s unsafe. Many people will never travel alone, explore their own cities alone, see a movie alone or even dine alone. I’ve done all of those things for most of my adult life. I am not afraid. Nor will I wait for a partner to pursue the things I most want to experience.”
'Sex ban': England's Covid tiers throw new obstacles in way of romance
I’m sharing this for those in England who are dating/have casual sex. You have probably already seen about the government’s so-called sex ban but this article spells it out. Simon Murphy writes: “It has hardly been the easiest time for single people to find love, with an ever-changing profusion of rules throughout the pandemic blocking their path to meeting that special someone. But now those waiting for Cupid’s arrow to strike have been dealt a fresh blow – as Downing Street has confirmed that couples living apart in areas under tougher restrictions can only meet outdoors, unless they are in support bubbles.” This will affect you if you live with flatmates and therefore can’t form a support bubble with your lover, if you have one – or if you are in a support bubble with your parents, it means you can’t snog after an outdoor date.
What no one ever told you about people who are single | Bella DePaulo | TEDxUHasselt
I follow the amazing Bella DePaulo on Twitter but I’ve only just come across this TED talk she delivered in 2017. Here’s the video blurb: “Movies, novels, love songs, and even scientific research all seem to tell us the same stories: Everyone wants to find that special someone. Once you get married, you will live happily ever after and you will never be lonely again. However, more people than ever before are living single – often by choice. A close look at the best scientific studies shows that people who get married do not end up happier or psychologically healthier than they were when they were single. The stories we have so often been told are distracting us from other stories about single people that we have never been told. The untold stories help us understand why so many people choose single life and thrive there, often finding meaning, fulfillment, autonomy, mastery, rich and varied personal relationships, and sweet solitude in their single lives.”
The lowdown
HUGE thanks to the readers who joined me to celebrate the first birthday of this newsletter. I hope you all had a lovely time. It was such a pleasure to see your smiling faces and see you bond and make friends. I hope to run another event nearer Christmas so will keep you all posted.
I was interviewed on BBC Radio Shropshire this week! I was the guest on The Cool Seat, a series where presenter Jim Hawkins speaks to interesting (cool!) people from Shropshire. He asked me about this newsletter. Skip to 2:07:50 to find me listen to the interview.
I’m running another masterclass with Tiffany Philippou on 27 October! It’s for you if you write to make sense of your own experiences and believe that by sharing your story you can help others Perhaps you not sure where to begin or are you scared of what will happen if you publish your story. We’ll be exploring all the ethical and emotional questions that arise when you decide to start writing about your life. Book your ticket here.
Do you follow me on my personal Instagram account? I’m on a bit of a mission o reach 2000 followers in the next month as part of my goal to raise my profile and the profile of this newsletter and the writing classes I co-run. I did this post to introduce myself the other day so if you want to know some random facts about the person behind this newsletter, check this post out.
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If you didn’t know, I have an agony aunt column for paying subscribers of this newsletter. You can take part even if you don’t want to sign up. Just fill out this form with your burning question or problem and pop your email address in as well. After I write the column, I’ll forward it to you. Your identity will be kept totally anonymous in the version subscribers can see.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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