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Confession. I’ve had writer’s block this morning. I woke up really early to get started on the newsletter as usual and I already had a big plan for what I was going to write. In fact, I’ve been writing it in my head all week but then yesterday (well Friday evening to be exact), the news hit that England was going back into another national lockdown. Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland also have their own sets of restrictions in place and over on the continent, France and Germany are returning to lockdown. In the US, the numbers are still rising at a terrifying rate and over in Australia, Melbourne has just come out of a 15 week lockdown, which is great but as we know, that doesn’t mean this thing is in anyway over.
The news is bleak. There is no other word for it. And when something so big is happening, it’s hard for me to ignore and write about something completely different and it’s also hard for me to formulate my thoughts quick enough for this page. But I’m going to shelve my friendship idea and instead try and put into words how I’m feeling right now and how I think the ongoing pandemic is impacting those of us who are single. For those who are feeling lonely – for whatever reason and whatever your relationship status – the caption to this Instagram picture below by the lovely Antonia Taylor is worth a read.
Anyway, this is how I am feeling. Yesterday when friends and family asked how I was taking the news, I actually felt OK. I had been predicting it since the last lockdown and so I just felt resigned to it. It was a bit jarring to realise that where I’m based was going from the lowest level of restrictions – known here as tier one – straight up to the highest but other than that I reacted by thinking about practical things. Would I still be able to go for roast dinner at my parents on Sunday evenings? I listened carefully to Boris Johnson in the press conference yesterday and realised that yes I could as support bubbles are going to be available to use this time. I also thought of ways I can help make sure I don’t fall into another bout of depression like in mid-August. I got my bike out and went for a five mile ride and decided to make it a thing again. I checked in on friends and cancelled on one who I was planning to see next week. I posted about the new rules on social media for those who follow me because of this newsletter. I felt quite in control. I can do this, I thought.
Then I woke up this morning and just felt totally fed up. Although I still know I can do this and I also know you all can too (In the words of Glennon Doyle: “We can do hard things”), it just sucks that we have to. And it’s OK to let ourselves feel that. It’s OK to sit with the feeling that this is totally shit and feels neverending and relentless and our lives feel like they are on hold and all we want is for it to be all over. I had had a few messages this morning from friends in all different situations who seem to be feeling the same way. There were more cancellations of events or postponement of visits and questions about what the new rules mean and what was allowed. There was anxiety about family members and concern about the impact on children and on Twitter people were getting angry about queues at supermarkets all over again. It felt a bit like deja vu. Here we go again.
I hadn’t made many plans in the coming months because I wasn’t sure when we would move into tier two but my friends and I had organised to do a wreath-making workshop which I was hosting at mine. It was going to be a lovely festive activity. I was planning to make a big batch of mulled wine and get some other treats in. It’s a little thing and we might still be doing it over Zoom but still. I think one of the reasons why something fairly small in the grand scheme of things being cancelled is bothering me is because now I’m in my own house and living alone again. One of the things I love about living on my own is the freedom to have people over whenever I want without checking with anyone like I had to in a house share. I love hosting people. I love having people over for cups of tea or dinner or drinks. It’s one of the things that makes living alone so great.
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When I lived in Spain, I had a flat near the metro station. Before we went out, everyone would gather at mine to pre-drink and eat (see above). I loved it. I would look round the room smiling watching people enjoy themselves because nothing makes me happier than bringing people together. In London, my flat was too far out and my friends too dispersed for this to happen often but one of my favourite memories was a birthday party I hosted at mine (see pics below). I had added extra cushions and chairs into my living room, thinking that people would be mainly in there as it was the larger room but instead everyone was squeezed into my kitchen for most of the evening. I looked around the room and honestly my heart felt so full. It sounds so cheesy to say but it’s true. It was 2017 and at the time I was very much single and not even remotely in love with anyone and if I’m honest I was struggling a bit with my relationship status. I also find birthdays stressful and anxiety-inducing but there I was standing in the door way to my kitchen watching different groups of friends interacting with each other and having fun and my heart just burst. In that moment, I honestly did not feel like I was missing anything at all. My life felt full. My life was full.
As my good friend Tiffany Philippou said to me this morning when I messaged her about my writer’s block, these are the little things that make life worth living. Seeing my friends and getting together and having fun are what makes my life great. Yes I have a good career and yes I enjoy spending time alone and yes I have Netflix and yes I have my bike and yes I have a lovely house that I am enjoying making my own, but seeing my friends and family is the most important thing for me by far. And that’s what this pandemic is stealing from us; those special little moments of connection and love in action and heart bursts that you just don’t get in the same way over Zoom.
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On Friday I was interviewed by Lisa Golden, a wonderful person who I used to work with, for her new awesome podcast called Storyteller. I’ve been interviewed for a number of podcasts now and I have to say this was one of my favourite conversations. Her questions were so thoughtful and I feel like we really delved into some of the topics that come up in this newsletter. I realised how much I had learned in the last year. I can’t wait to share it with you all when it’s live. One of the things we discussed was the impact of the pandemic on single people and I was saying that when I first started this newsletter, I was in a really good place. I was feeling really confident and I was really comfortable with my relationship status. It feels like the pandemic has stolen that from me because in some ways it has taken away a lot of the choice. Being single because you want to be but with the knowledge you could take action to change it if you wanted to is very different from having the option – even if you never took it – almost completely taken away from you. And I know some people have managed to date or even find love during the pandemic but for many people it feels like our lives have been put on hold and if we did decide we wanted to find a partner, the opportunities to meet people naturally have once again been taken away. Enforced singleness really can negate that brilliant empowering feeling that being single and independent can give us.
I have no answers but maybe when we look back at this period in our lives we won’t remember the horror so much, but the little things that made this year bearable. I loved this piece of art by an artist whose work I am determined to buy when I have some money. I think it sums this year up pretty well even though it was actually made years ago. It just feels very fitting for 2020. Maybe the reason this year is “perfect” is that it really reaffirms to us what matters in life? And for me it’s glaringly obvious what is important.
Here comes another Grey’s Anatomy quote. Side note, I really feel for those readers who have never seen it and probably wonder why I keep banging on about it like it’s my gospel but also #sorrynotsorry because it basically is. Anyway it’s a simple quote and I can’t actually remember the context but I think Izzie says it and I think it’s almost said as a joke. Anyway it’s something I have thought a lot this year in all seriousness: “People are what matters.”
Please know I am thinking of you all wherever you are in the world and whichever stage of the process you are.
Lots of love, always
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
What caught my attention
Asexual Awareness Week: I am the A in LGBTQIA+
I must admit I had never read much about what it really means to be asexual before reading this article and it really made me think about how tough it must be in a society that places so much importance on sex and intimacy. I loved this paragraph: “I’ve learned a lot of things in my journey and want to share the knowledge I wish I heard growing up. Firstly, don’t feel like your life is incomplete if you don’t have a significant other. Secondly, surround yourself with people who provide you with unconditional love and support. And finally, being ace doesn’t mean you will never have a relationship or a family. It may seem that way since sexual intimacy is such a large part of a romantic relationship but there are so many asexuals who have their own families. Platonic love is enough.”
15 anthems of self-love to crank up for your original soulmate
I felt like I should recommend something quite light and uplifting given the shitshow that is the news. Here’s a great listicle with 15 songs to put on LOUD and enjoy your own dance party to. I am currently listening to Lizzo in fact as I write this. Her album is the unofficial soundtrack to this newsletter. Love what the writer of this says to introduce the list: “Whether you're single, dating, in a relationship, heartbroken, in love, indifferent, or don't identify with any of these sticky labels, it's time to celebrate your original soulmate: it you. Cranking up a giant love song for yourself is one of the healthiest, boldest ways to start and end your day, because often we forget how bloody excellent we are on our own two feet.”
How to prove yourself – to yourself
I found this by Alonement founder Francesca Specter really interesting. Here’s what she has to say on the subject of self-esteem: “What’s your reputation like - with yourself? I’ve been thinking a lot, recently, about self-esteem, and how it ultimately comes down to the task of building a reputation with yourself. That might sound a little odd – because, generally, when we talk about reputation we think of it with regards to other people’s perceptions; your reputation within your social group, or your workplace, or your wider social media platform. But for the purposes of self-esteem, and becoming the person you want to be, what’s actually important is the reputation you build every day with you.”
The lowdown
Here’s a really useful article for you if you live on your own and are confused about support bubbles. It covers the whole of the UK.
I’m going to do a Facebook Live on The Single Supplement Facebook group with the lovely Mel Johnson who runs The Stork and I TONIGHT at 8pm! We’ll be discussing going down the solo motherhood route but also embracing being single and the societal pressures women face. I am sure we will also discuss how to cope with the ongoing pandemic as a single person.
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About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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