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Firstly thank you so much to the amazing reaction you gave me to last week’s newsletter. In terms of the volume of messages, it was probably the one I had the biggest reaction to. Please accept my apologies if I haven’t replied yet. I am getting to you! It seems a lot of you resonated with what I said and have felt exactly what I felt. Thank you for making me feel not alone in this. I’ll do more on the subject in future.
Today it’s guest writer time and I am excited to say the amazing Alya Mooro, a journalist and the author of The Greater Freedom: Life as a Middle Eastern Woman Outside the Stereotypes agreed to let me republish this personal essay which appeared in her own newsletter this week. I read the first few lines and knew immediately that you all should read it too. It’s just lovely. I also love the quotes she has included.
This line really stood out for me: “[I] have collected numerous habits which feel like jewels of aloneness, rituals with which I romance myself.” I absolutely LOVE that. Here’s to more jewels of aloneness and rituals to romance ourselves with.
I hope you enjoy reading it as much I did.
Have a good week,
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
What's sweeter than my solitude? by Alya Mooro
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I love spending time alone. Like, *love* it. That wasn’t always the case. I had to work hard to enjoy my own company, to become someone whose company I would enjoy. The knowledge of that, the memory of how I used to cry when left too long to my own devices, makes me love it all the more.
I’ve been living alone for a couple of years now, and have collected numerous habits which feel like jewels of aloneness, rituals with which I romance myself. There’s not much more I love than waking up on a Saturday morning and having the whole day stretching ahead of me, infinite hours of possibility with which I can do whatever I please.
Often, and increasingly, what I please is to spend time with myself. That’s a good thing, I would argue. Except when you become too used to that, others (read: my mum) would say.
“Alone had always felt like an actual place to me, as if it weren’t a state of being, but rather a room where I could retreat to be who I really was.” ― Cheryl Strayed, Wild.
Sometimes, I do get worried for what this means in terms of dating, of being with someone else; making space for them. Whoopi Goldberg once said on marriage “I don’t want somebody in my house,” and, honestly? I feel like that, too.
Someone would have to be seriously amazing in order for me to want them in my house, to want them around for longer than a designated period of time. As poet Warshan Shire put it, “My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.” But surely that’s a good thing?
In truth, it feels like we are so often called to settle, as women in particular, because of the impetus placed on being half of a whole. For so long, women were pretty much not counted as human beings unless they were somebody’s Mrs. Couldn’t buy a house, couldn’t make their own money, couldn’t do anything alone. There was no option but to marry. No other path, no other possible future. That’s not really the case anymore, although society, and culture, often likes to tell us different.
That means we have choice. That until someone, or something, is sweeter than solitude, we can choose to engage and disengage as we see fit.
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Some would argue that’s not always the best position to start from. That it means you’re more picky and less malleable. Sometimes I think that, too. Especially after *another* basic date which leaves me longing for my solitude.
But loving your own company is never a bad place to be. The alternative is arguably and always far worse. In particular as, as Alduous Huxley put it in one of my favourite books, “We live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves.”
Always and in all circumstances.
Accepting and working towards that, then, is imperative.
On my softer days, I remember that I have many people in my life whose company is sweeter than my solitude, and that there are probably some men out there I might feel that way about long-term, too. On most days, I feel grateful that that means I won’t need to settle. That no matter what, my solitude is sweet, to be added to, but never taken away from.
Alya Mooro is an Egyptian-born, London-raised journalist and bestselling author of The Greater Freedom. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter. Listen to her podcast Shameless on the Restless Network app, subscribe to her newsletter and most importantly, buy her book!
Thanks again to Alya for allowing me to republish that. I thought it was perfect for The Single Supplement and it gave me a chance to shout about Alya’s work. Don’t forget to download the Restless Network app if you haven’t already so you can listen to the brilliant conversation we had on her Shameless podcast.
What caught my attention
False Labor: Giving up on motherhood
Lena Dunham is not without her controversies and I know she has pissed a corner of the internet off with this personal essay but I think it’s an interesting read. This paragraph reminded me of something that recently really annoyed me, which I’ll talk about soon: “The doctor gave me a bunch of new labels. With one functioning ovary, I was a “good candidate.” Without a husband, I was a “solo starter.” With a gay donor, I was “a user of fresh homosexual sperm” with “FDA-ineligible” jizz. (I didn’t know this when I chose my donor: If you find a hetero art school kid with a ketamine addiction, drag him off the street, and convince him to say he’s dating you, you’re congratulated. If you carefully select an accomplished gay friend of child-rearing age, you are taking a risk that the reproductive authorities won’t sign off on.)”
That Time a Guy Asked Me to Channel My Novel’s Protagonist On Our Creepy First Date
Alarm bells were ringing for me when I began reading this account of a creepy guy who contacted an author after reading her book but what she says here about how everyone always says to go on the second date is SO TRUE. She writes: “Something felt off, but I agreed to meet him again. When you’ve never been the prettiest, the most popular, or the most at ease, you tend to doubt your instincts. And when you’ve been single for a while, people tell you to “settle already” or even to “lower your standards.” Feeling uncomfortable with someone doesn’t seem like adequate justification to turn them away, even if discomfort is the first sign something might be wrong.”
Helena Bonham Carter: ‘Divorce is cruel. But some parts are to be recommended'
Here’s a profile piece with Helena Bonham Carter that she did to help promote The Crown (Who else has binge-watched the whole thing already?). She is asked by the journalist about living in separate houses to her ex-husband (something I love the idea of!!) but what’s interesting is how she talks about some relationships just run their course and aren’t meant to be forever: “Although I will say this in the positive sense: I do think there’s a point where people fit for a certain time, sometimes, and if you can, you recognise that you’ve given what you can, and you’re going to stop each other from evolving, and if you can afford it, well…”
The lowdown
I'm excited to say I was a guest on the Storyteller Podcast! You can listen to be talking about changing the narrative around being single, why I finally decided to take the leap and launch this newsletter and also my thoughts on where this newsletter will go in the future. It’s on of my favourite podcast eps I’ve been on so do have a listen!
Tiffany Philippou and I are running another masterclass so if you’re a budding writer and want to know how to pitch your ideas to editors and how to keep coming up with fresh ideas, grab a ticket now!
I am taking part in Lucy Sheridan (author of The Comparison Cure which I’ve talked about before)’s The Good Gram course. This means I am posting a lot more on Instagram so please come and join me there!
I got some lovely feedback for last week’s newsletter. Here are a few examples:
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you loved this edition of the newsletter in particular, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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