The year 2020 is finally drawing to a close and we are in that odd between Christmas and new year stage where you have no idea what day it is and you’re just aimlessly snacking on all the chocolate and cheese and Christmas leftovers waiting for New Year’s Eve when you’ll have purpose again (otherwise known as Twixmas). In fact, I only realised yesterday was Sunday quite late in the day so I hope you’ll forgive me for this newsletter being late.

I was planning to take a few weeks off but then felt it would be wrong not to send an end of year newsletter so here we are. It’s a baby version today though! I decided the best way to mark the end of such an unusual year was to ask members of the Facebook community group what they had learned about themselves or life this year and share them here along with my own. One of the reasons I have been doing a few of these crowdsourced newsletters is that some of the feedback in the survey I did was that people wanted to hear more voices from other people who were single. I enjoy doing them anyway as I learn a lot from what readers say to me!

Life lessons from 2020

The importance of taking the time to appreciate and celebrate myself. I do this anyway, but this year of working from home, social distancing and physical isolation amid a global pandemic spotlight the most important relationship you will ever have in your life even more.
- Kay

I’ve learned to cut myself some slack. This year has been so challenging and stressful in many more ways than just the pandemic for me. Some days I couldn’t get off the sofa and instead of beating myself up about it, I allowed myself time to just rest.
- Jennifer

Don’t take tomorrow for granted! [It] applies to so many things. I was invited to go on a trip to Egypt in January with a friend and his family. I said no, I’ll wait [as] I’m supposed to be in Dubai in April so I’ll go then. For obvious reasons that didn’t happen. Carpe diem!
- Cara

I learned to cut my own hair! Haha - but also that I am much better at taking care of myself practically and emotionally in an “emergency” than I thought. When pandemic hit I panicked for about a day and then was like, it’s GO-TIME LADY and buckled down and got organized and got sh*t done. Which makes me grateful that I didn’t settle in bad relationships just so I didn’t have to be “alone.”
- Zeynep

Don’t wait until you are married to do big life changes...like buying a house, taking a trip, whatever. Just do it by yourself. Because if you keep waiting for the one... your whole life will be gone.
- Payal

For me it’s been about doing things, usually on my own and not giving a hoot what other people think. I’ve learned that while I can feel self-conscious about doing things on my own, cinema, walking, having a nice lunch out (lockdown permitting) I’m not sure if it is even on anyone else’s radar. I was sent this by a friend (see below), not everyone’s thing I’m sure but Tanya Davis spoke to me. I particularly like the bit about benches in the park.
- Angela

There’s a saying that ‘What other people think of you is none of your business’ I see so many people who are alone, talk about the ‘stare’ they are given because they are alone.. One cannot presume to know what another person is thinking!! Or that the thought is negative or pitiful, or that they’re even thinking of you at all! Or they could be looking with best of human intentions or envious that they’d like to have the space to be alone rather than the situation they are currently in. One cannot assume to know. I think adopting that mindset may contribute to more happiness with being alone rather than focusing on the assumption we know other peoples thoughts.
- Rosie

Setting myself mini-tasks each day gives me such a sense of satisfaction, especially on slow, solo days when the mind can wander. Ticking off a to-do list, no matter how trivial (read x pages, bake cookies!), makes me think ‘You got this!’
- Harrie

I don't like being alone and that is OK. I often see people talking about how it's good to learn to love your own company or read articles about embracing 'me time', but I have always struggled to be alone and often felt inadequate for not enjoying time by myself. I finally moved into my own place this year and have struggled during lockdowns and strict tier rules which have meant inviting people over is illegal, so I decided to seek advice from a professional around my anxiety about being alone. The best thing I learned from my therapist is that it is absolutely ok to not want to be on my own, and that I need to accept that I'm a social person and that I thrive best when I am interacting with others. I'm now giving myself a break and making sure I have company - either within my bubble or over zoom/WhatsApp call etc - so I don't lose myself into sadness again.
- Lottie

Having never really spent so much time at home before, I have never focused on creating a lovely, cosy environment. This year I’ve bought more home stuff that I love and have felt the importance of surroundings and how they impact on health. Also, Starting getting rid of all things - clothes, books, kitchen bits etc, that I knew I’d never use again. It’s amazing how much better I have felt by making this space in my home.
- Amy

I’d say what I’ve learnt is that often you can cope with a lot more crap than you think you can cope with and actually sometimes staying afloat JUST is OK.
- Lucinda

That being "single, not looking" is a very peaceful and legitimate place to be, and one I will feel safe returning to if and when I do step back into the dating world. Have never been in that place before and it has been a huge education about the amount of energy and negativity involved in always seeing yourself through the eyes of a potential partner. Talk about taking the pressure off yourself
- Claire

Huge thanks to all my readers for these lessons! Here are mine:

1. Like Zeynep, I also realised how much better I am in the actual moment of emergency. The week before lockdown, my anxiety was at record high levels but as soon as lockdown was announced, my practical side won out and I felt in control and calm and like I better get down to work. Curiously my mental health dipped the most when we were out of the worst bit. I think it’s because I felt a bit lost and I needed time to digest what had just happened before I felt ready to throw myself back into the real world. Realising this about myself has made it easier for me to navigate the ongoing crisis. I know I might feel lost and unsure again when things start to get better and that is OK.

2. I’m more resilient than I thought I was and contrary to one of my beliefs about myself, I’m not a quitter. I can actually stick with things! The proof of this is this newsletter. I got it out every single week during the pandemic and even during my mental health blip in September. I love that I always found something to write about and I still did it even on the days when it was the last thing I wanted to do - and I loved how on these days, I always felt so much better while writing it and afterwards too. I’ve also stuck with therapy even when it got difficult. Perhaps I am learning to commit at last!

3. Nothing makes me feel more alive than whizzing down a massive hill on your bike (bonus points if the hill is in the middle of the countryside with no-one around so you can yahooooo!) I need to do more of this in 2021. Walking every single day has also benefitted me hugely and I know I’ll also carry this forward.

4. Speaking out about being single is worth it. The amazing responses I have gotten and the beautiful, heartfelt messages, emails and other comments I have received this year have killed all the shame I’ve felt writing about the topic. This feels so important and I’m so grateful to each and every one of you who has written in (and I’m sorry I haven’t always been able to reply).

5. In the words of Glennon Doyle - I can do hard things! I have made it through 2020 and I’m still smiling and that is something to be grateful about and proud of.

Have a lovely rest of the festive break…

Lots of love,

Nicola

P.S I wrote this article last week and it got a huge response so give it a read if you haven’t already. The headline says Christmas but really it’s about the pandemic as a whole.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

Did someone forward The Single Supplement to you? Sign up here.