Morning everyone. I’ve got a guest writer for you today. Minreet Kaur emailed me to say she would love to write about being divorced and single in the Sikh community – and why she loves living at home with her parents. I jumped at the chance, especially as I remembered her Dad from news reports last year.

Minreet helped her dad – the Skipping Sikh – became a viral sensation last year in the pandemic as he started skipping and encouraged others to join him. He raised thousands for the NHS and was then given an MBE by the Queen.

I was also interested to see how it feels to be single at 40 in a community which really encourages marriage. While Minreet has experienced stigma and had to put up with insensitive comments, her parents are proud to have a daughter who shouts about being single.

Hope you enjoy the read!

Have a good week,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

‘My only regret is I didn’t throw a divorce party’: life as a single woman at 40

By Minreet Kaur

Turning 40 in lockdown was a blessing because I could avoid all the comments around why I’m “still single”. You know the questions. “Do you not want to get married?” or “do you have a boyfriend?” or “do you not want to get married and have kids?” or even “are you gay?” The list is endless.

I am happy single. I got divorced over 12-years-ago and the only thing I regret is not having a divorce party! Unfortunately it was a huge taboo when I separated from my husband and there was so much shame and stigma around the big D word. I know some in my community felt it made me “damaged goods”.

As an Indian woman, I face the same shame and stigma now, but this time it’s around being 40 and still being at home living with my parents. I just had a guy from the Sikh community message me today asking if I didn’t want to get married? Why do people feel the need to ask such personal questions? Do they not realise it’s quite offensive and actually if I want to be single it might just be out of choice.

But the thing that really gets to me is why my community feel the need to judge and label women who are divorced or single after a certain age. I have had people tell me to “find someone from India” and my answer is would they tell their son to do the same? That’s the biggest issue in the community. There are so many double standards!

Yes, I want children and I’d love to have a partner, but as an independent woman who has single-handily made my dad go viral last year, while in a pandemic and studying on a journalism course and being the only child at home who has responsibility for elder parents, I’m proud of myself. The report I did for BBC News about my dad even won Report of the Year at the Asian Media Awards.

I have also started a family fun fitness club and our videos will be launching on the Sikh Channel as well as on You Tube with lots more to come. Being single has its benefits and doing something I want without having someone telling me I can’t do it is one of them. I did this myself with faith and no man. I’m following my heart and am pursuing my dream to be a national broadcaster on your TV so I can empower more women to have a voice and not stay silent.

I also love living with my parents. They are wonderfully supportive and don’t want me to stay silent. They are proud that their daughter has a voice and that I speak out about divorce and being single at 40.

There are of course days I feel low because I love children and see my friends who have kids and they all love me and it does make me wonder if I’ll get that opportunity to have children. I sometimes get down that I am turning 41 in October but if and when the time is right, I’ll meet someone.

minreet_kaur

A post shared by @minreet_kaur

My community can make you feel low. They don’t make it easier to get over a divorce and neither are there any support groups to help women from the community move on. They would rather brush everything under the carpet.

This is why I try to support women who are going through what I did years ago and had no one to turn to except my parents. I want more women feel they are special and that they they are beautiful inside and out.

Minreet Kaur is an award-winning broadcast journalist and the daughter of the skipping Sikh, which won report of the year in 2020. She has also been shortlisted for a media award and a culture change award. She has worked across TV, radio and online for BBC and Sky and written articles for Al Jazeera, The Independent, Stylist, Byline Times and Metro. She writes about unreported communities and is passionate about being a voice for Asian women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

What made me think

My unexpected loss

I was moved by this lovely newsletter by Tiffany Philippou about grieving her single life now she is in a new relationship and not just because she mentioned me and the conversation we had when she broke it to me. I know this is something some of you worry about too. She writes: “I’ve loved building single friendships with people who are in the same boat as me and I’m terrified of losing them. At first, I thought me leaving singlehood meant that I felt like I was betraying them. However, having spoken to them, including Nicola, I realised that it was me who needed the reassurance, not them. I felt so much relief when a single friend told me that she wasn’t worried that I was going to disappear off now I was in a relationship. I felt deeply comforted. I don’t want to be kicked out of the singles club.”

Things you should check out

• Is This Working? Love and work with Natasha Lunn (podcast episode) – I forgot to link to this podcast episode when I spoke about it and have been meaning to put it in. Do give it a listen!

• I’m Single, But I Get All The Romance I Need From My Friendships – Think lots of you will love this one.

• Here’s an Idea: Rewrite the Plus-one Rule at Weddings – Paying subscribers who read my agony aunt column about weddings will know I am very behind this!

• Natalie Imbruglia says having a baby while single via a sperm donor ‘wasn’t the plan’: ‘The desire to be a mother was so strong in me’ – Go Natalie!

• Dear Dolly: ‘I fall in love with every man I meet. How do I stop?’ – Love the response to this “It’s lovely to be a dreamer. But you have to find a way of not torturing yourself with these flights of fancy.”

• A new start after 60: ‘I married for the first time at 70’ – This was shared in the Facebook group with this comment which I’m stealing: “I'm definitely not sharing this as a "don't give up hope" piece - she has good things to say about being single as well.”

• 7 Essential Items For Living Alone – From the founder of Alonement!

• Do I? My quest to get to the bottom of our obsession with marriage – This is an interesting read

• All the lonely people — the power of connection – this is a review of three books about loneliness.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram if you don’t already!

Words I love

“Because I am enough. My heart is enough. The stories and the sentences twisting around my mind are enough. I am fizzing and frothing and buzzing and exploding. I'm bubbling over and burning up. My early-morning walks and my late-night baths are enough. My loud laugh at the pub is enough. My piercing whistle, my singing in the shower, my double-jointed toes are enough. I am a just-pulled pint with a good, frothy head on it. I am my own universe; a galaxy; a solar system. I am the warm-up act, the main event, and the backing singers. And if this is it, if this is all there is- just me and the trees and the sky and the seas- I know now that that's enough.”

– Dolly Alderton in Everything I Know About Love

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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