Trigger warning: incels, mass shootings

I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. I realised that in order for society to start accepting and treating single people better, children should be educated about the fact single people exist and what it means to live a full and good life as a single person. Relationship and sex education is taught in UK schools and in recent years there has been a shift towards teaching children about healthy relationships including covering topics such as coercive control and abuse as well as things like consent and revenge porn. This is all really welcome but why are we only teaching kids about being in relationships? Why aren’t we also teaching kids that it’s OK to be single and that being single doesn’t make you a loser or a failure?

I remember being a teenager and being totally obsessed with the fact I didn’t have a boyfriend. If I had known when I was 16 that I would be single at 36 (and long term single at that), I would have been devastated and would have questioned how I could have got things so wrong. I never once considered a future that involved anything other than being married with children nor do I remember any mention of a different way of living during any classes at school. Our RSE was pretty basic compared to what children are taught now. We were taught about sex but it was always through the lens of being in love with a long term partner. No wonder there is so much stigma facing those whose lives look different whether that’s because they are single or gay or divorced or for some other reason.

The reason I have been thinking about this is because of reading about incels. Incel is short for 'involuntary celibate' and incels are members of an online subculture of people who define themselves as unable to get a romantic or sexual partner despite desiring one. The movement is fuelled by misogyny and abuse of women. The most annoying part of this is the word was originally coined by a woman who wanted to provide community for people who were lonely but instead found the word getting hijacked and turned into something really ugly.

Those in the UK will have seen that incels and the Blackpill movement (see article below) have been in the news after five people, including a three-year-old, were killed in a terrible shooting in Plymouth on 12 August. The shooter, who doesn’t deserve to be named, was a self-described incel who hated women because no-one would go out with him or have sex with him. Here’s a great article explaining what it all means and why we should take the issue seriously as a terror threat.

Among the many tweets I saw about the topic on Twitter was one that suggested the women of Plymouth should take responsibility and that as a society we should make sure no young men are ever single. Aside from the rampant misogyny and victim blaming in that vile tweet, the last line made me want to throw things. Here was someone perpetuating the myth that the worst possible thing is to be single and we must not allow young men to suffer through the indignity of it. I very nearly tweeted the guy but stopped myself because that’s clearly what he wanted. It was bait and I nearly rose to it. However, I have been thinking about this notion that being single is deemed as being so terrible that people are turning to an extremist community online to find belonging. It’s so disturbing.

Then yesterday I was belatedly reading Saturday’s Guardian newspaper when I saw that ministers want teachers in England to use RSE classes to teach children about incels. A spokesperson for the government is quoted as saying: “Schools play a crucial role in helping pupils understand the world around them, both through the RSHE curriculum – which allows for a school-led approach on teaching pupils about a range of current issues, including on incel culture – but also through their safeguarding duties, supporting staff to identify young people that may be at risk of radicalisation.”

I thought OK that does sound like a good idea, but wait a minute, shouldn’t we also explore the step before incel culture and look at the root causes of it? Shouldn’t we be teaching children and teenagers about how being single doesn’t actually have to be the very worst thing that happens to you and introducing them to single role models and the idea that you are just as worthy of happiness and that you are enough even when you’re on your own? Because if more people were taught that it wouldn’t just help young men stop being radicalised by this vile and misogynistic movement, it could also help everyone realise they don’t have to stay in unhappy (or toxic!) relationships purely because they are too afraid of being on their own.

Obviously it is not the only solution to the problem but education is powerful and getting these positive messages to children could potentially have a positive impact on the way single people are viewed in the future. What do you think? I would love to know your thoughts or whether you remember anyone at your school talking about single people. Email me or comment below if you’re a paying subscriber.

Have a good week,

Nicola

Twitter:

@Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

Some exciting news

I have some really good news and wanted you all to be the first to know. I officially signed with a literary agent last week. Her name is Zoe Ross at United and I’m so excited to be working with her. It’s a dream come true and I keep pinching myself but there I am on the actual website. This is the first step towards me hopefully landing a book deal and becoming a published author and I’m excited to take you on this journey with me. It’s all very early days but I will share news when I can and in the meantime, I will be doing lots of writing. Huge thanks to you all for your support so far. I couldn’t have got this far without you all xx

What made me think

Glittering a turd by Kris Hallenga

Bit different this week as I’m not linking to a specific article but shouting about a book I read on Saturday. I have followed Kris for a very long time now and am a big supporter of CoppaFeel! which is the breast cancer charity she started after learning she had terminal cancer aged 23. This book, which is about what happened next and how she has approached life since that terrible diagnosis, is such a great read. It’s not depressing but uplifting. She has made me think about how I create – and curate – the life I really want (and also how we all deserve support and care to better be able to glitter our own metaphorical turds whether they are physical or mental ones). She also happens to be single! The book is sold out everywhere apart from on this link. You can also get it on Audible and as an ebook. Ruby, my parents dog, very kindly modelled with the copy I bought for my sister’s birthday and I couldn’t not share!

Things you should check out

• The lovely Lucy Webster, a former BBC journalist, has launched her newsletter The View From Down here, which will explore disability, feminism and much more! Do sign up!

• Dear Dolly: ‘My ex boyfriend is getting married after he told he wasn’t capable of love’ – Beautiful agony aunt column to a problem I think a lot will relate to (I certainly do… I’ve been there!)

• I want to try online dating. Should I tell potential partners about my Asperger diagnosis? – the comments are interesting not just the answer.

• How one New Yorker’s quest for connection turned into a lesson of self-discovery – potential inspo for anyone looking to make new friends or go on an adventure.

• Swipe left: Why I’m no longer sacrificing myself for crumbs of love – “I’ve been sacrificing myself for romantic interests since my school days.” Very relatable line!

• Eternal male fertility? Sorry chaps, it's a myth – interesting read!

• 'Was I Making Unconventional Choices Or Was I Being Left Behind?' Confessions Of A Late Bloomer - Love the phrase “conventional markers of adulthood”

• The Beauty of Mature Female Nudity – some beautiful photos which may make you feel better about ageing!

• Brain fog: how trauma, uncertainty and isolation have affected our minds and memory – It’s not just you!

• Author Jenny Oliver on what happened when she bumped into ‘the one that got away’ 15 years later – A good read. Another that resonates!

• The Women Who’ve Chosen To Have Kids Alone During The Pandemic – Love this!

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram if you don’t already!

Words I love

I like waking up and knowing this day is just for me and I don’t need to worry about anyone but me. I’m really not looking for a relationship any more.

– Jesy Nelson, in this Guardian article, which is a good read.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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