Trigger warning: breast cancer

So sorry for the lack of email last week. I’m busy working on a big project at the moment which is taking all of my brain power and had hoped to get a guest piece out for you last Sunday but there has been a delay with it so as soon as is possible I’ll email you a little bonus surprise newsletter to make up for it. I think it will be worth the wait.

All week I’ve been thinking of how we can make the most out of life and grab opportunities with both hands when sometimes things can seem stacked against us especially given we live in what is indisputably a coupled-up world. Aside from all the other crap life throws at us, we also have to contend with things being more expensive for us (if we live alone, we pay for everything, for example), we don’t have the same support systems as coupled-up people who literally live with their main support systems and so have to work harder to make sure we aren’t isolated and of course, there is still a lot of stigma and really irritating portrayals of single women in pop culture.

That is not to say that these things impact everyone and likewise, there are also a myriad of other challenges I haven’t mentioned – but it’s just to say that sometimes things can feel extra shit or hard. For example, at the moment I’m worried about money and am honestly wishing I had a partner to take the pressure off because what I would most like to do is free up my brain space for my creative projects – and I am feeling resentful of writers who have partners with stable incomes you don’t mind shouldering the bulk of the bills while the creative work gets done. I would also settle for one that simply came in and made me cups of tea to save me getting up when I’m in the flow.

As I have been sitting here at my desk for the last few weeks, I have felt the mounting resentment but two things made me snap out of indulging my self-pity that either a) I need to pay my rent (outrageous!) or b) I don’t have any tea left in my mug (sacrilege!) – and they both revolve around seeing how two women have dealt with the cards that life dealt them, which put my complaints into perspective. Both stories have reminded me that I need to think about the life I create for myself and remember that no knight in shining armour is coming to rescue me and that is OK. Besides the knight might be worse with money than me and be shit at making tea.

The first woman is Kris Hallenga, the founder of the breast cancer charity Coppa Feel. In her book Glittering A Turd, which charts the journey she has had since first being diagnosed with terminal breast cancer in her early twenties, she writes about coming to terms with being single and realising you can be happy without being in a relationship. I know I’ve recommended it before but it’s stayed with me and I keep thinking about it. I’ve never been diagnosed with cancer nor started a wildly successful charity nor do I have celeb mates, but even so the book is really relatable. She talks about being in a toxic relationship and why she stayed with him and what she learned about herself when she finally let him go which really resonated with me. It’s a brilliant read and will make you want to grab life by the balls – or boobs.

howtoglitteraturd

A post shared by @howtoglitteraturd

The second woman is Sarah Harding. She was a pop star in the band Girls Aloud and she died of breast cancer just over a week ago. I’m pretty sure she was single when she died and because her love life had been in the papers a lot, I braced myself for some really awful takes on her romantic history, as had happened when TV presenter Caroline Flack died (read my thoughts on that here). Instead I was struck by the tributes which all talked about her fire “burned so bright” and that she had “loved, lived and laughed so hard” and how she “really proved you can see the light and fun in life”.

Of course, it may be that because I was quite selective with where I read about her, I missed sexist and insensitive comments about he relationship status but still, maybe it’s a lesson in choosing to look for the good rather than what will piss us off. I loved reading about how in her final year, she decided to write an autobiography Hear Me Out and even released a song she had recorded years ago which she had been sad had never seen the light of day. I know being a popstar meant she had a lot of support but I was still inspired by how she chose to continue being creative even when she had so much else on her plate.

While Kris is very much still alive and thriving in the best way she can, both these women have the fact they were diagnosed late in common. Kris had been palmed off by doctors who told her she was too young to have breast cancer and Sarah had been worried about going to get checked when Covid-19 was raging at the time she first found the lump. Had they been diagnosed earlier, they would have both had a much better chance of a better prognosis and many more treatment options. Instead both of their cancers had spread to a stage where cures weren’t on the agenda with their doctors. Both of them – despite how fucking awful and unfair that is – chose to absolutely squeeze as much juice as possible out of life. They also shared their single status but by the looks of it both are/were absolutely surrounded and enveloped in love by their families and friends.

This is not to say we don’t have the right to occasionally complain about out lot in life and sometimes feel hard done by or resentful to others who have things we don’t but it’s just a reminder that maybe shifting out mindset and focusing on the good can help us make the most of our own lives. I found this old article on the topic of squeezing more joy out of your every day, which I found helpful and which some of you may enjoy. I also really recommend this old Guardian column which promises to change your life. There are so many gems. If you only have time to read one, read the final one. Lastly, another Guardian column I recommend is my pal Hannah Jane-Parkinson’s which is aptly called The Joy Of Small Things and will soon be a book.

Reading about Kris and Sarah and also thinking about other things in the news in recent weeks has really helped me to remind myself of all the privileges I do enjoy. A personal essay of one person’s memories of 9/11 gave me a new catch phrase when things feel shit or scary – “I’m safe and I’m lucky”. I also thought about how if I want things to be different, I have to do the work to change things. While some things are out of my control, there are many things that actually are in my control. Ultimately I’ve been reminded of the importance of thinking about what I’m grateful for and making the time to do more of what I love in life.

Anyway, I’m sorry if this newsletter is cheesy. To counter this, I want to leave you with a public health message. Below is a useful graphic to help us know what to look for when it comes to breast cancer. I urge you all to regularly check your breasts or pecs.

The best fight we have against late diagnosis of breast cancer is for people to really get to know their breasts and go to the doctor if anything is awry. If you sign up, Coppa Feel will even send you reminders to do it. I would also like to add that just because you discover one of the things below doesn’t automatically mean breast cancer. A few years ago I found a lump – and also had pain – and my GP immediately referred me to the breast cancer clinic. I was scared but it turned out after all the tests and a biopsy, it was benign. I say this just because I know some people bury their head in the sand because they are so anxious. But it’s definitely worth going and putting your mind at ease – or finding out for sure and catching it early! You can learn more by using Coppa Feel’s Self checkout.

Now the serious bit is over, I leave you with my favourite Girls Aloud song for no other reason than it’s absolute banger and Sarah’s line in it is one of the best bits.

Have a good week and enjoy squeezing both your melons and more joy out of everyday.

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

Things you should check out

• Why I'm being extra kind to myself – Becky Barnes is having her eggs frozen and hear she talks about how she is looking after herself.

• A new start after 60: ‘I pitied women who travelled alone – then I tried it and found true joy – love this!

• Parental burnout: how juggling kids and work in a global pandemic brought us to the brink – for the parents who read this newsletter (a single mum is quoted so it isn’t all couples.

• Is it best for me to hide my dating life from my kids? – another for those with children.

• Author of My Body Keeps Your Secrets, Lucia Osborne-Crowley, on the lessons she learned after a devastating breakup – I really need to buy Lucia’s book. Talking of books…

• 5 Books For Single Women To Read This Fall – I am especially looking forward to reading the last on the list - Shani Silver’s own book!

• ‘I’d rather be alone’: the influencers pushing for ‘relationship minimalism’ – very interesting!

• ‘They came for my daughter’: Afghan single mothers face losing children under Taliban – terrifying but I was pleased to see coverage of single mothers when too often they are overlooked.

• This is what I tell friends who are torn about having children – potentially useful for those on the fence.

• Eva Illouz, "The End of Love: A Sociology of Negative Relations" – I haven’t listened yet but this was recommended in the Facebook group as “a fascinating podcast about the relationship between capitalism, hook-up culture and ethics of dating”.

• The surprising history of male celibacy, and the women who fought to stop it – Very interesting!

• What 9/11 did to one family – not about being single but this is the best thing I’ve read about the impact of the awful attacks twenty years ago this past weekend. It’s really long and moving but so well written and I know it’s going to really stay with me.

Words I love

You will shift your thinking. Instead of wanting someone to complete you, you will strife to live a life that others want to be part of. You will make your life so attractive for you that others might not resist it. You will ask yourself: How can I make myself such a fascinating companion for myself? So much so that you don’t notice that no-one is with you.

– Kris Hallenga in a letter she writes to her younger self in her book Glittering A Turd.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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