Good morning, friends!

Before our wedding last year, I made it a habit of asking people for their best relationship advice. Time and time again, I would get a deep sigh paired with this trite response: "Marriage is hard work."

That response has become so embedded in our culture that it's nearly impossible to avoid.

Just do a quick Google search on relationship advice, and you'll see things like: "Real relationships can sometimes be hard work; emotionally hard, mentally hard, even physically hard." Or "Sustaining a relationship over years is not for the faint of heart." Or this mind-numbingly awful comparison: "A relationship is like a job — you have to work hard to get in it, and you have to work even harder to stay in it."

Let's be clear for a second here. Getting married, having kids, and maintaining close friendships — these fall under the category of relationships, not jobs.

Those things shouldn't feel like "hard work." Depending on what you're optimizing for, they should actually be mostly effortless. I can already see the replies: "Just wait till you experience X" or "You only think this because you haven't been through Y."

People get sick, lose their jobs, and get into bad situations. Those are difficult events you have to overcome as a partner or a parent, but the nature of the relationship itself shouldn't be one endless parade of grueling days that feel like work.

What people actually mean to say when they say "hard work" is that long-lasting, healthy relationships require conscious effort, intention, and investment. But this is what bothers me: The phrase "hard work" insinuates something entirely different and not at all healthy.

Think about the mixed messages associated with the phrase "hard work." What do you do when your boss praises you? You work hard. Now, what do you do when your boss begins losing their temper and yelling at you every day because you're not living up to his expectations? You're taught to placate them and work even harder.

Great. Now imagine you're in a relationship, and it's not your boss but it's your emotionally abusive partner. You think, "I'm failing at this therefore it must mean I'm not working hard."

This may seem like just a matter of semantics, but I genuinely believe it has the power to poison the minds of young people, who are in their first or second relationship. When I have kids one day, I want to relay to them that their relationships shouldn't feel like "hard work." If they're working a grueling 9-to-5 just to be friends with someone, they should find a new friend.

This has been on my mind ever since I read about the tragic case of Gabby Petito. She was a 22-year-old who embarked on a cross-country trip with her fiancé Brian Laundrie. They planned to travel in her white Ford van to the West Coast and visit state and national parks.

In August, they were stopped by police after several witnesses called about a domestic dispute situation after seeing the couple get into a physical altercation. The police decided the incident was a "mental health crisis" rather than "domestic abuse."

Several weeks later, Petito's family reported her missing while Laundrie drove the van back to Florida by himself. Shortly after, police discovered that Petito was murdered, her remains found at a campground in Wyoming.

I know nothing about their relationship, but it was likely not a healthy one. During the police stop, Petito says, "He told me to calm down, but I'm perfectly calm. He just stresses me out. This is a rough morning." When the police told her that they needed to separate for the night, she began crying because she didn't want to be away from him. One of the officers offered what he believed to be constructive advice on how they can work on the anxiety in their relationship so it doesn't spiral out of control.

Now, Petito's father is encouraging people to speak out about domestic violence, posting a picture of her walking on the boardwalk holding two young boys' hands, with the caption: "We have to do better. Changes are coming. Now is the time. Don't be silent." It was hashtagged #domesticviolence and #domesticviolenceawareness.

Last week, I wrote about courage being the ability to step up and act in times of chaos. But I also think it's equally as courageous to know when to step away from a potentially dangerous situation. As foreign correspondent Clarissa Ward says, fear plays an invaluable role in our lives.

"I get scared, and that's important because fear is there for a reason," she says. "It's telling you when you're doing something stupid, so listen to it."

I don't know where you are in life as you read this newsletter today, but I just want to offer a small reminder: There are a lot of areas in life where you should work hard, but your relationships shouldn't be one of them.

Share

—

THE PROFILE DOSSIER: On Wednesday, premium members received The Profile Dossier, a comprehensive deep-dive on a prominent individual. It featured Toto Wolff, the most powerful man in motorsport. Become a premium member and read it below.

The Profile

The Profile Dossier: Toto Wolff, the Most Powerful Man In Motorsport

When Formula 1 champion Lewis Hamilton crosses the finish line, the cameras typically pan to Toto Wolff cheering behind the scenes at Mercedes’ mission control on the pit wall. Wolff, the Austrian CEO and head of Mercedes-Benz Motorsport, thrives under pressure. Under his leadership, the Mercedes Formula 1 team has won seven consecutive F1 world titles…

Read more

4 days ago · 3 likes · Polina Pompliano

PROFILES.

— Wall Street's secret billionaire investor [**HIGHLY RECOMMEND**]
— The student graduating from poverty
— The reporter who exposed Theranos
— The people scamming the scammers
— The music icon coming to terms with her real self
— The investor funding failed founders
— The artist dealing with her newfound fame

PEOPLE TO KNOW.

Wall Street's secret billionaire investor: In 10 years, Ramzi Musallam has grown Veritas Capital’s assets from $2 billion in 2012 to $36 billion today, and the funds have generated staggering net internal rates of return of 31%. The funds have lost money on only a single investment ($87 million on a solar panel company in New Mexico), and since Musallam took over, Veritas has distributed $12 billion to its investors. At 53, Musallam finds himself worth an estimated $4 billion. Here's how he turned tragedy into fortune. (Forbes; reply to this email if you can't read this article.)

“He has quietly built an extremely valuable business being at the intersection of government-regulated markets and technology, which is rare for private equity.”

The student graduating from poverty: Dasani Coates left Brooklyn when she was 13 years old to attend a boarding school in Pennsylvania that tries to rescue children from poverty. Prior to this, Dasani and her mother and siblings had been homeless — now one of them had a chance to break the cycle. This reporter has followed Coates for a total of eight years, from a homeless shelter to boarding school to life afterward. What an incredible, heartbreaking journey. This is a must-read. (The New York Times)

“I’m visible, But society doesn’t see me.”

The reporter who exposed Theranos: John Carreyrou was the Wall Street Journal reporter who published the initial story on Theranos that sowed doubt about Theranos' valuation and its so-called proprietary technology. Since then, Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes went from the world’s youngest self-made female billionaire to the woman who stands accused of leading a massive fraud. In this longform Q&A, Carreyrou reveals what it's been like to cover the story for six years. (The Verge)

"Part of me is tired of this story. It’s consumed the past six and a half years of my life and I am eager for it to be over."

The people scamming the scammers: For the past two years, a voice actor named Rosie Okumura has been deliberately calling the people most of us hang up on — scammers who pose as tax agencies or tech-support companies. People like Okumura are called "scambaiters," a type of vigilante who disrupts, exposes or even scams the world’s scammers. Even though scambaiting has been around for about 20 years, a new breed of these vigilantes are taking over TikTok and YouTube. (The Guardian)

“I waste their time, and now they’re not stealing from someone’s grandma.”

The music icon coming to terms with her real self: Adele hasn’t spoken to a journalist since 2016, and on top of a pandemic and the general day-to-day of being a single mom, she’s been married and divorced in that time. In paparazzi terms, she essentially lives off-grid, in what the papers love to call her “compound in Beverly Hills." In her first interview in 5 years, the artist opens up about her divorce, body image, and her new "self-redemption" record. (Vogue)

"I find the anxiety gets worse when you try and get rid of it.”

The investor funding failed founders: Jon Oringer, the billionaire founder of Shutterstock, is taking aim at a new gig. Over the past year, he and a partner have invested in more than 100 high-tech startups, 10 of which Oringer himself co-founded. He prefers to bankroll executives who have started and run businesses that flopped. “Trying again after failing shows perseverance,” he says. “We look for people with that track record because it’s the same as my track record.” (Wall Street Journal)

“It was surprising that Shutterstock made it. None of us could predict what the internet would look like.’’

The artist dealing with her newfound fame: Olivia Rodrigo turned 18 in February, just over a month after she released her debut single “drivers license'' and her whole world tilted. Because she dropped a hit song in the middle of a pandemic, she had a months-long grace period filled with near-flawless interviews and hit singles stacked neatly on top of one another. And then the criticism came. In this profile, she opens up about growth, perception, and the pressure of getting it all right. (Teen Vogue)

“I hope people know that deep down, all that I do is write songs and talk about how I feel, and that’s the most important thing to me. Everything else, I think, is not so important.”

✨ This installment of The Profile is free for everyone. If you would like to get full access to all of the recommendations, including today’s audio and video sections, sign up below.

AUDIO TO HEAR.

Melanie Perkins on the nuts and bolts of building a business: In this podcast, Canva founder and CEO Melanie Perkins discusses the long, winding road of pitching investors to secure funding for her then-fledgling startup. She details how she navigated her first investor meeting, her first pitch, and her first hire. It's a classic entrepreneur story, full of ups and downs and failure after failure — until she and her team finally hit it big. This is a must-listen. (Link available to premium members.)

Anna Lembke on defeating addiction: When you think of an addiction, you probably think of drugs, alcohol, food, or sex. But psychiatrist Anna Lembke studies all sorts of behavioral addictions, and in this podcast, she explains what role our "dopamine balance" plays in strengthening or weakening our dependencies. The surprising way to break an addictive pattern? Start telling the truth. (Link available to premium members.)

Daniel Humm on shaking up the world of fine dining: Daniel Humm has a fascinating story. He dropped out of school at 14 in an attempt at becoming a competitive cyclist and made money by cutting vegetables and making soup stock at fine restaurants in Switzerland. He realized he probably wouldn't make it as a professional cyclist, so he changed direction to focus on fine dining. In 2006, he helped re-imagine the restaurant Eleven Madison Park, and now, he's re-imagined it once again: Its menu is now entirely plant-based. (Link available to premium members.)

VIDEOS TO SEE.

Leymah Gbowee on her relentless fight for peace: This documentary details the remarkable story of how the women of Liberia came together to end a bloody civil war. A woman named Leymah Gbowee led the nonviolent movement and brought together Christian and Muslim women to play a pivotal role in ending Liberia’s devastating, 14-year civil war in 2003. This is an incredible story. (Link available to premium members.)

Mr. Beast on how he built a YouTube empire: Jimmy Donaldson, also known as Mr. Beast, is one of the best visual storytellers on the Internet. This video breaks down Donaldson's tactics and techniques and helps explain how he consistently rakes in billions of views on his videos. If you are trying to grow a YouTube channel, this one is for you. (Link available to premium members.)