Happy Sunday. Thanks for bearing with me during this little hiatus. I’m excited to be back to my normal day again. I also want to welcome all the new subscribers who joined this week thanks to a certain Guardian article. I’m so glad you’re all here.

For those who didn’t see the article this week. it was about women who are involuntarily celibate. As well as delving into the incel and femcel movements, the article looked at the way misogyny impacts dating, sex lives and relationships. Today, the author of that article Lizzie Cernik has written a piece about her own story of being long-term single, which inspired her to write it. She also wanted to explore how attachment styles have played a part in her relationship history.

Although attachment style theory is mainly focused on romantic relationships, I’ve been thinking lately about how it also plays out in friendships (mainly thanks to a conversation with Emma Winterschladen who loves talking about attachment styles!) so I might do a newsletter on that soon. For those who are happily single, perhaps this column will make you think about the other relationships in your life.

Have a good week,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

Learning about attachment styles made me realise I wasn't unlucky in love

By Lizzie Cernik

I was 14 years old the first time I was kissed.

A drunk boy I’d befriended at a party launched himself at me as we were saying goodnight, shoving his tongue down my throat and his hands into my knickers.

Once the initial shock wore off, I was elated. As a teenager I was painfully self-conscious, the ugly duckling of my class. While my friends wore bras and snuck into over 18 nights at the cinema, I was a late developer and even the smallest sizes in Topshop hung like shapeless sacks from my skinny, child-like frame. I sent a Valentine’s card to the boy who kissed me the following week, besotted with the idea of attention. He denied the kiss happened. He said I was too ugly for him to have paid attention to, and that I must have been making it up.

The kiss, as you’ve probably guessed, was more of a sexual assault than love’s young dream. But that’s not the real story here. Nor is the rejection I suffered afterwards, however painful it might have been at the time. What’s important is that from the earliest age, being desired was more important to me than consent. In a world where FHM cover girls and wild sexual rebellion merged with Disney’s depictions of everlasting love on a golden merry-go-round, my outlook on romance was hopelessly skewed from the outset.

By the time I went to university, I had blossomed physically. Youth and beauty is a power for women, sometimes our only form of currency. So when I split up with my first proper boyfriend (we were too young to settle down) I expected my love life to be plain sailing. Except that’s not how things worked out. Men wanted to have sex with me, but I wasn’t respected. Instead I was thrown around nightclubs like a football, as my male peers openly wondered if I was small enough to bench press.

Unconsciously, I developed an unhealthy dating pattern. A born perfectionist, I showed little interest in nice, dull boys who approached me. Instead I wanted only the unobtainable; the men who promised the earth and disappeared into vapour before the fantasy could become reality. Since I wasn’t seeking out unsuitable men, I told myself I was just unlucky in love. 

Other than a couple of relationships that lasted a year or two, I was single from the age of 19 to 36. Dating involved long periods of celibacy and the occasional lacklustre glass of wine after work, with very little effort from me. The handful of men I found chemistry with ignited my anxiety and these flings ended in sadness and confusion. I was seeking “an equal”, a charismatic alpha type who could bite back, match my ambition and share my (sometimes mean) sense of humour. 

I found men to be easily intimidated, misogynistic, old fashioned and less accomplished and attractive than single women in the same age group. I found them dull, uninspiring and unattractive. But for me there was another key piece of the puzzle, something that’s rarely spoken of, but contributes to many of the challenges both men and women experience. My quest for the ideal partner was one of the problems, but it was coupled with something else: a fearful avoidant attachment style.

Attachment styles aren’t something I touched on in my feature. This was partly for space reasons, and partly because I wanted to focus solely on the issues that exclusively impact women. At the same time, our attachment styles do have a huge impact on the connections we desire, seek and develop. Because I’m secure in long-term relationships, it took me years to recognise that this was a challenge for me, especially when the world so ardently supported my search for ‘The One’. The longer I was single, the easier it was to build barriers and refuse to accept less than what I thought I needed. I’d been chasing after unavailable men for over a decade, without even realising I was doing it. 

For those that aren’t aware, attachment styles are formed in childhood, as a result of our relationship with caregivers. While abuse and neglect can result in severe problems from a young age, you don’t have to experience this to develop insecure attachment. Sometimes something as simple as divorce, sibling rivalry, conflicting parenting styles, or in my case, parental illness, can contribute to how we communicate with partners later in life. I won’t bore you with the details, but if you don’t already know, you can discover more about attachment styles and dating here. 

Men and women are equally likely to experience anxious or avoidant attachment, but our misogynistic, fast food dating culture feeds on these insecurities like hyenas after an antelope massacre. It promotes the idea that men should pile up sexual conquests like high school medals, while women must play by a set of unwritten rules, which often prevent them from expressing their needs. Dating apps fuel the ‘chemistry beast’ reinforcing the idea that instant attraction is the be all and end all. And finally, because a lot of secure people are already in committed relationships, they attract a higher number of people with insecure attachments. 

Both anxious and avoidant people yearn for a romanticised version of love, the kind that’s been normalised through unhealthy depictions of romance on TV. But for those of us with insecure attachment or perfectionist tendencies, it isn’t always the magic bullet we expect it to be. For me, that rare experience of intense chemistry was simply a manifestation of fear, not true love. In fact, one of the best things about my current relationship is that neither of us were ever infatuated with each other. He’s quiet, laidback and straightforward rather than dangerously charismatic, which removed all the pressure during the dating process and allowed us to develop a deeper bond. And while a part of me will always be intoxicated by unavailability, it feels like my version of heroin- a drug that’s best untouched. 

Whether single, dating or in a relationship, everyone has a different story when it comes to love. Some people might relate to my experience. Others might relate to the women I've spoken to in my feature. Some people are recovering from abusive relationships or simply need time and space to work out what’s important to them in life. Others are having a damn fine time being single, and plan to spend the rest of their days decked out in fabulous red lipstick, taking themselves on dates to the opera. (If I find myself single again, these are the women I aspire to be like.)  I think it’s important to know that it’s likely someone else will identify with it. Being single can feel lonely, but you’re never alone in your experience, whatever that may be. 

Lizzie is a freelance writer and journalist. She covers issues relating to women's rights, relationships, and health, as well as writing the Guardian's weekly How We Met column. You can reach her via Twitter on @lizziecernik. 

Things you should check out

• Try Being A Single Woman Finding A Home Of Her Own Right Now – I was interviewed for this article. It makes for depressing reading but I’m so glad it has been given some attention. It was the lead story on HuffPost Life as well!

• From a Sale, Lace Undergarments, Never Worn – This is a beautiful read.

• “He’s Nice” with Tiffany Philippou – A Single Serving podcast episode – Shani Silver had my pal Tiffany onto her podcast and it makes for really great listening! They had a good chat about single identity and much more!

• A Single Revolution with Shani Silver – The Stork and I podcast episode – Here Shani is a guest on Mel Johnson’s podcast and it’s also a great conversation that I know many of you will love.

• Life after loneliness: ‘I was a single, isolated workaholic – until I learned to love my own company’ – Loved this. I especially love the part about no-one coming to rescue her and realising that was OK, which is something I have said a few times in this newsletter.

• Ruby Wax on life after loneliness: ‘I always felt isolated. Mindfulness helped me drop my armour’ – Here’s another from the same series. I have been meaning to get back into meditation/mindfulness and this has given me some inspo to do it.

• The Married Will Soon Be the Minority – Lots of US data in this article but I’m sure the pattern is mirrored in other countries.

• I’m a single working mom, trying to do it all in a pandemic. It’s really hard – one for the single parents in this community. I think you may relate to some of this.

• How to separate romantic rejection from your self-worth – Love this article by the wonderful Rachel Thompson.

• What are femcels? – Here’s an explainer on Femcels. I do not personally consider myself one (I’m single not celibate), but it was sweet to be mentioned in this article and obviously people who do identify as femcels are very welcome here.

• My Choice Isn’t Marriage or Loneliness – This is from back in April but it was shared this week in the Facebook group so thought some of you might want to read.

• Running tips: 20 tried and tested tips for building confidence as a beginner runner – This isn’t about being single but I’m a beginner runner and gave my top tips in this Stylist article.

• If you are a paying subscriber, you can now join a dedicated Whatsapp group. It’s a really friendly group. Check your inbox for an email with the subject line ‘Some exciting news + new subscriber benefit’ for details on how to join.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram! You can add your thoughts on the Guardian article under this post:

nicola_slawson

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Words I love

I ended up spending my days in the last place I thought I’d ever be: the library. The library had a steady supply of central heating, but it also had books – lots of them. After twiddling my thumbs for a while, I picked one up, and it changed my life. Suddenly, even though I was alone, novels brought me closer to people. They allowed me to see the world through other people’s eyes.

– Daniel Lavelle on overcoming loneliness.

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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