Good afternoon! It’s a midweek supplement kind of week. Hope you’re all having a good one. Today I have a guest piece from my pal Tiffany Philippou who kindly agreed to let me republish one of her pieces of writing. The reason I really wanted to share it in this space is because of a few messages readers have sent about no longer being single. One was a lovely comment in the Facebook group, saying goodbye and another was an email from a reader “confessing” they were no longer single and that they were feeling conflicted about it (and also wanted to know if I’d mind they keep reading – so sweet and of course, everyone is welcome here).

I have been wanting to republish this essay for a while and so thought now would be a good time. I think this is an important conversation to have because everyone assumes that if you find a partner after being single for a while, you should automatically be thrilled about it and not miss your single life at all. This is of course because the last thing society thinks we would want to be is single! Even if we do want a partner, we will be waving goodbye to a big part of who we are.

Before I hand over, the other thing I wanted to mention was this. Tomorrow marks 100 days until the end of the year! That’s right, there are only 100 days left of 2021. I can’t believe it but a recent London Writer’s Salon event made me think about what I’m going to do to make the most of the last 100 days. As they pointed out, many of us set new year’s resolutions which often we forget about and we get caught up in the day to day of our lives and before we know it, a whole year has gone and it’s time to make a new year’s resolution again.

Instead, they suggest thinking about what little things we can do each day to make the last part of the year fulfilling instead of feeling the usual deflation that we aren’t where we thought we would be at the start of the year. As Anne Dillard said: “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.”

How can you make the most of the last 100 days of this year?

Have a good week,

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

My unexpected loss

By Tiffany Philippou

Loss so often hits us when we least expect it. It can come without warning and leave us with no choice but to grieve what’s no longer with us. As I started a new romantic relationship, the loss I didn’t expect to feel was the loss of my single identity.

I’ve been experiencing this sense of loss for a while and I’ve been thinking about it week after week, but I’ve been putting off writing on the topic as I’m still struggling to let go of my single self. But here it goes…

I had no idea that being single was so core to my identity and sense of self until I found myself facing losing it a couple of months ago. I had no idea I’d find it so hard and I’m confused as to who I am without it. The single identity is also tied up in my work: writing about the single experience is one of my favourite things to write about and I feel like one of my most compelling content pillars has been snatched away from me.

I don’t fear losing my single lifestyle or independence, my life doesn’t feel that different in that way, it’s about fearing something much deeper – my sense of self. Being single is part of how I understand who I am and my place in the world. I enjoyed seeing myself as a modern and independent woman in her thirties who was going against the grain of societal expectations. I also enjoyed being in the pursuit of romantic love and not quite finding it, but getting closer to the truth of the human condition during that journey. And I know that I’ll learn new truths in my new situation, but I don’t feel the certainty of that fully.

As a single person, I also felt like I was part of something bigger than myself. I felt part of a single community of like-minded and spirited individuals. We have our own language, empathy and shared experiences and I don’t want to say goodbye to that. My friend, Nicola Slawson, who’s the founder of The Single Supplement, plays a mega role in fostering the single community and it was interesting that when I met up with her for the first time since the pandemic began, that I didn’t say to her that I was starting a new relationship, instead I said, ‘I’m leaving the single community.’ My words sounded more like the confession of a loss rather than the excitement that I was gaining something.

I’ve loved building single friendships with people who are in the same boat as me and I’m terrified of losing them. At first, I thought me leaving singlehood meant that I felt like I was betraying them. However, having spoken to them, including Nicola, I realised that it was me who needed the reassurance, not them. I felt so much relief when a single friend told me that she wasn’t worried that I was going to disappear off now I was in a relationship. I felt deeply comforted. I don’t want to be kicked out of the singles club.

However, I also must accept that it’s not the same now. Am I still allowed to ask single people about their dating lives? Can I keep speaking the language of a single person, even though that’s no longer me? Probably not and that makes me sad because I treasured those moments of connection that can happen between two single people.

I’m also terrified I’ll forget what it’s like to be single and that I’ll forget that the best thing I can often do is to keep my mouth shut and resist the temptation to offer unsolicited advice, which single people so often have to suffer. I don’t want to start being one of those people who says stupid things to single people! I don’t want to become an even number. I like being an odd one.

I don’t want to lose the single person that was me. I liked her. She went off to stuff on her own and could talk to people as an independent individual. She didn’t do that cringe thing couples do when they bicker in front of you and think it’s interesting. 

Then there’s the elephant in the room. I spent so long building and creating an identity and way of being that I love that I’m struggling to deconstruct it when I don’t know if or when I’ll need it back. My new relationship still feels so fragile and there’s a part of me that fears that once I fully embrace it and tear myself away from my single identity that the relationship will end and then me and my identity will be left adrift. There’s a part of me that wants to keep a connection to the safe place: the place where I know what will happen next because it’s just me.

One of the greatest pains of loss is the loss of an imagined future. The brain has to go through a horrible re-wiring process of managing dreams and expectations born out of your previous situation. Now that I’m no longer single, my future is looking a little more blurry as someone else has entered the picture. In single-land, there’s a mix of certainty and total fantasy in my imagined future that I have complete ownership of. Us single people don’t allow compromises and other people’s needs and desires to enter our daydreaming.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever fully let go of my single identity and while it’s time to create a new identity for myself, I’ll need one that allows me bits of the past identity to stay alive. My single friends keep reassuring me that it’s going to be ok and I hope they’re right. I’m so grateful for my single experience and I wouldn’t change that time for anything in the world and as I face this change in my life, I’ll try my best to not become annoying, I promise.

Tiffany Philippou tells stories from her own life in order to challenge existing perceptions on how we should be living our lives. She writes a  newsletter with weekly counter-narratives on life called The Tiff Weekly and she’s written for the likes of Refinery29, Stylist and The iPaper. She also co-hosts the no 1. careers podcast, Is This Working?, is a brand and communications consultant and a work-life coach. Her memoir, Unspoken: what one person’s death taught me about life will be published by Thread and will be out in 2022. Follow her on Instagram.

Things you should check out

• Why You Need To Stop Looking For Love – This is really interesting. It’s a long read, so make a cuppa!

• Dear Dolly: ‘Can I be friends with my ex?’ – I’m definitely with Dolly on this. It is possible but some people try it when they are really just struggling to let go of the relationship.

• ‘Now I know love is real!’ The people who gave up on romance – then found it in lockdown – Here’s a nice piece from my pal Lizzie.

• Crash and burn: the intense and fleeting romances of the Covid era – This is kind of the opposite to the one above but both interesting!

• It’s My Golden Anniversary! Of Being Single - congrats to Bella! Some lovely life lessons in here. And yay to single people getting more gifts!

• The Rise of Single People - another from Bella with lots of facts and figures. I also learned it is Unmarried and Single Americans week. So happy singles week to my US readers!

• I’m 27, I’ve Never Been In A Relationship, & I’m Starting To Think I Never Will Be – part of Refinery29’s series The Single Files, which is worth checking out.

• Freezing your eggs may be getting easier, but it’s no simple fertility fix – some really important points raised in this article about egg freezing if this is something you are considering.

• As A Black Woman, I’m Scared To Start Dating Again — Here’s Why – very important read.

• 21 Fascinating Non-Fiction Books That Should Be On Your Radar This Autumn – in case you need some book inspo.

• Why Older Couples Don't Need Marriage to Have Great Relationships – this is about people in relationships but thought it was interesting nonetheless!

• A new agony aunt column is going out soon to my paying subscribers. It’s all about dealing with birthdays when you are single.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram where I spend most of my time!

About me

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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