Happy International Women’s Day, everyone! You’re going to get bombarded with IWD content today from newspapers and magazines and on social media and from your favourite brands so I’m not going to dwell on the day here apart from to say I sincerely hope all those brands jumping on the bandwagon to “celebrate women” are doing something to make sure there isn’t a gender pay gap in their own organisations because otherwise it’s all white noise. Personally my favourite part of the day is when individuals celebrate the women in their lives so that’s what I like to focus on. To that end, I am raising my glass to all the women who subscribe to The Supp and hoping you all have a brilliant day.

Anyway, last week, I interviewed Sunday Times bestselling author and journalist Sarah Thompson, whose new book Happy Single Mother came out on Thursday. I was so happy to see this book being published. It feels like the cannon of books about single people is beginning to shift away from just about dating and towards something much more nuanced that has the ability to challenge perceptions – and Sarah’s book definitely achieves this from what I’ve read so far. It was also while starting to read the book that something Sarah said reminded me of something I had read in a Guardian article a few years ago and I thought it might give some food for thought for everyone reading this regardless of whether you are a mother or not.

In Sarah’s book, which she told me she was motivated to write partly because there wasn't really anything else out there talking about single motherhood in a positive way, she makes the point that one of the biggest challenges about being a single mum isn’t the burden of parenting alone but the attitudes and stigma society puts on single mothers in particular.

She writes that after breaking up with her husband and the father of her children, she did sometimes feel ashamed and that she had failed but went on to say: “As much as I felt the deep burn of that shame, I also felt the strong and peaceful conviction that this was the right thing to do, for all of us. And it bothered me that no-one else seemed to think this. I felt shame but I also felt quite cross, because I didn’t want to be felt sorry for.”

This reminded me of Paul Dolan’s work for his book Happy Ever After, which I still haven’t read yet but which I first heard about in a Guardian article which I know I’ve shared before. For those who haven’t read it, Paul, a professor of behavioural science at the London School of Economics, found that the healthiest and happiest population subgroup are women who never married or had children.

Speaking at the Hay Festival to introduce his book to the world, he explained to the audience that despite the benefits of a single, childless lifestyle for women, it was the narrative that marriage and children were signs of success and the stigma single women felt that lead some to feel unhappy.

He said: “You see a single woman of 40, who has never had children – ‘Bless, that’s a shame, isn’t it? Maybe one day you’ll meet the right guy and that’ll change.’ No, maybe she’ll meet the wrong guy and that’ll change. Maybe she’ll meet a guy who makes her less happy and healthy, and die sooner.”

These comments caused so much uproar, that Paul actually received hate mail. In a follow up piece, Paul wrote his own article and said: “Many pointed to their own experience to criticise me, saying that they – or their wives – were happier now that they were married or parents than they were when they were single. One man tweeted photos of his wife as apparent proof. I was accused of spreading propaganda. “How far will the media push this ‘independent woman’ narrative?” was one popular tweet.”

He explains that there is actually robust evidence to back up what he said and one reason is that single people are more likely to foster social connections that bring them fulfilment. “Social connectedness is linked to happiness – so this might go a long way towards explaining why single people aren’t as miserable as many people would imagine (and, it seems, sometimes even hope) them to be,” Paul wrote.

Single people, as we know, often face these kinds of attitudes but single mothers have an added layer of stigma attached to them. As Sarah writes in the book, they are thought of as “morally dubious”, “a drain on the state”, “a one-dimensional hot mess” or must be “resigned to a lifetime of misery”. I wanted to know whether Sarah was ever met with scepticism that it’s possible to both be happy and be a single mother – and also how people have reacted to the name of the book – which to me feels quite rebellious (which is why I love it!)

Sarah says: “Yes, I still sometimes feel like some people are waiting for me to find (their version) of true happiness, as though I'm not quite complete and they can't close the file on me until I do. It is astonishing how powerful the happy-ever-after narrative is.”

In terms of the title, she says had a few people told her it was “a bad idea” to have the words single mother in the title because it still carries all this stigma, and adds that her mum was worried the title would offend her married friends. But she went for it anyway. “It was meeting my amazing agent who is a solo mum by choice, and then my wonderful publisher at Thread, who actually came up with the title, that made me decide I wasn't going to dance around these words. I'm really happy with the title and the jacket design, I think it looks fun and that's what being a single mother is,” she says.

Sarah admits that before she became a single mother, she also held misconceptions about what single motherhood would be like and realised quite early on in the experience that she had “mixed up ideas about it all”.

“I have a half-sister and my parents were both married to other people before they had me, my sister has been divorced, so in many ways it was totally normal and cool for me,” she says. “And yet I realised I also held these deeply negative and unpleasant feelings about what it meant - that I was a failure, no-one wanted me, I was a bad mother etc. In many ways writing the book has been a way of working through all of that. Although it's very much not only my story!”

In the book, she includes stories from a lot of other single mothers and some of whom were in really different circumstances to her own. She points out there are many ways to become a single mother – some are by choice either because they have conceived after using donated sperm or have got pregnant through a one-night stand or casual situation and decided to keep the baby. Some have got a divorce like Sarah while others have been widowed. Some people are on benefits while others are CEOs. Despite all these different experiences, there were threads that ran through most of the interviews, she says, when it came to how they feel about being a single mum.

“I'd say the one common theme is the realisation of and finding joy in their own strength, meeting themselves for the first time, being proud of themselves in a way they'd never imagined possible,” Sarah says.

She also includes lots of expert commentary and some of what she learned surprised. For one thing, “anyone with anything positive to say about single parenthood doesn't get much coverage, even if they're total geniuses,” she says.

“Secondly, the research into the positive outcomes of being raised by a single parent simply doesn't exist. All the research is about what happens when you're not in a traditional family, which suggests the traditional family is the gold standard. We need to start looking at the opposite narratives, the good stuff that happens to Cinderella when she dumps the prince and has a right old laugh and so do her kids.”

Yes to that! Hope this has given you some food for thought whether you are a mum or not. It’s definitely given me a reminder that separating how I feel about being single from how society makes me think I should feel is so important. It can be really hard. The two can be so intertwined but I think we would all be happier in the present moment if we can remind ourselves of this.

Paying subscriber the full Q&A will be going out this week so watch this space. For those who haven’t yet signed up, don’t miss out on reading more of Sarah’s wisdom:

Happy Single Mother by Sarah Thompson is out now. You can purchase via bookshop.org, Waterstones or Amazon. Also available in Ebook and audio. Sarah’s instagram is @mssarahgracet and you can also find her on Twitter: @Sarahgracet.

Have a good week!

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

Solidarity with Ukraine

I don’t know if any Ukrainians are subscribers to The Supp (although given the geographical spread, I think it is likely) but I just wanted to send my love to anyone affected by what’s going on. I am standing with Ukraine in solidarity. I’m also thinking of all the single people stuck there or who have fled, who are on their own. It must be incredibly hard.

I’ve been donating to various causes and would encourage you to do the same if you haven’t already. My friend Chris is in Poland raising money to buy things like phone battery packs for refugees who have arrived there after his own escape from Ukraine. The Disasters Emergency Committee is a good one helping on a more widespread and official basis – it brings together 15 leading UK aid charities, raising funds to quickly and effectively respond to overseas disaster. Donate here. Here’s a good list of other places to donate to including international orgs.

Do check on Facebook to see what’s happening locally in your area, particularly if you are low on funds and can’t afford to donate money. I met a lovely Ukrainian lady who lives around the corner and she was collecting first aid supplies to be taken into Ukraine as part of a convoy of aid so I donated some items to that and have offered to help with sorting and packing. Other non-monetary ways to help include joining a march or protest and writing to your local MP/representative to ask them to advocate for more support for Ukraine.

Sending all my love and hoping for peace really soon for the people of Ukraine.

Things you should check out

• ‘Becoming A Single Mum Is Hard – But It's Also Unexpectedly Joyful’ – Here’s more from Sarah for Grazia mag.

• The solo revolution: What it means to be a single woman today – I’ve just found this great article in the Irish Examiner which also happens to mention this newsletter! A lot of this backs up the points made above, which is nice.

• ‘I blamed myself for my boyfriend’s suicide’ – Obviously this will be very triggering for some but this is my friend Tiffany Philippou’s story. It made me think of how we handle the aftermath of suicide as a society as as well being moved by the impact it had on Tiffany.

• Now That My Kids Are Grown, I’m Learning To Love Being Single – I don’t think I shared this when it came out but it caught my eye (maybe because of the topic of today’s newsletter!)

• It’s your friends who break your heart – I needed to work my way up to reading this story in The Atlantic. This is relatable: “It’s the friendships with more deliberate endings that torment. At best, those dead friendships merely hurt; at worst, they feel like personal failures, each one amounting to a little divorce.”

• What Does It Mean If All Your Relationships End On Bad Terms? – “Most people have experienced a breakup but not all heartbreaks are created equal.” So true!

• ‘She’s like a spinning wheel’: the mum supporting 200 other single mothers in her WhatsApp group – What a woman!

• ‘People assume I can never have sex or touch anyone ever again’: What's it's like to be a young woman living with HIV – There is still so much stigma around HIV even though it’s not the death sentence it once was and people can live long healthy lives and not pass it on thanks to the advancement in treatment.

• ‘I feel free when I run’: the young women enjoying a sense of freedom in Iraq – Loved this from a couple of weeks ago.

• Next stop, Sylvia Plath! Why it is time to redraw the London Underground map – I’m fully on board for this (pun intended).

• ‘I lost £65,000 to a stranger who promised me the world’: My experience with a dating app swindler – I finally braved watching Tinder Swindler the other day so this caught my eye. It makes me never want to go on a dating app again!

• I went to a poetry workshop and wrote a poem inspired by cats but also abg single:

  nicola_slawson

  

  A post shared by Nicola Slawson (@nicola_slawson)

• Tights are back in fashion, but for me they will never go out of style - Not about being single but I wrote an article about my love of black tights for the i Paper.

• Have you joined the Facebook group? If not, click here.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, where I spend most of my time!

About me

nicola_slawson

A post shared by Nicola Slawson (@nicola_slawson)

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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