Greetings and salutations, my darling heathen sluts!

We are now ten whole weeks into The Edible Erotic Adventures of Esmerelda Poppingcorn, and I’m hoping you’re all feeling good and settled in Lake Nipples. I sure as fuck am! And that’s why I’m going to be making some changes around here to enhance your edible erotic experience, and to make this shit much, much more ridiculous.

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram (WHICH YOU SHOULD), you might already know that the Lake Nipples Substackmatic Universe has been growing exponentially, and I have a lot of story to write. Originally I planned to publish a new chapter every Thursday and a subscriber-only bonus chapter on Mondays, but then I realized that this is my damn Substack and I’m allowed to do whatever I want. And I’ve decided this psychotically intricate, fucked up story is more important than the schedule. The chapter I wrote this week was fucking garbage, so I’m not publishing it. It was a week full of distractions, and if I’m going to be serious about giving you guys the Lake Nipples vacation you deserve, I need to BE in Lake Nipples — heart, mind, soul.

So instead of getting a new “meh” chapter this week, all you sexy party people will be getting two fan-fucking-tastic chapters next week, because you deserve nothing but excellence. While I’m off making chapters 10 and 11 sing like Burt’s army of birds, you guys are getting a dirty discussion thread today, a brand spankin’ new recipe on Friday, and…

…a spectacular new Lake Nipples crossword puzzle guaranteed to challenge and amaze!

Now let’s get to some filthy business, if you guys are brave enough. (Just because you’re too ashamed to comment every week doesn’t mean I can’t see you reading, so let your freak flag fly, folks!)

What are some foods you’d like to see featured in future sexy times?