Happy Sunday!

Today I’m sharing an extract from my essay in Unattached: Essays on Singlehood, which was published in February. I’ve been meaning to do this for a few months but I didn’t want to bombard you all at the time with stuff about the book and I also had quite a few guest pieces to publish. The other reason was that I couldn’t decide which part of the essay to share but after a few conversations about friendships in the Facebook group and in the Whatsapp group (one of the paying subscriber perks), I realised that this part below may be useful for people to read.

Quite a few people seem to be struggling with connecting to friends especially as we emerge from the pandemic (I don’t want to say ‘after the pandemic’ as I know 1. it’s not over yet and 2. readers in different countries may still be in lockdown or under restrictions). This has definitely been tough for everyone judging by the number of articles I’ve seen on the topic and the number of conversations I’ve had with friends. But it can be especially hard for those who are the only single people in their friendship groups because you can already feel a bit out of sync.

Anyway here’s the extract, published with the kind permission of the publishers of Unattached, which you can buy here:

The knowledge that I am nobody’s ultimate priority can sometimes feel like a weight that sits on my chest – but it can also feel liberating and it opens up space for one of life’s greatest joys: making new friends. First a caveat: this is not about replacing my friends. I adore those women and will until the day I die. This is more about adding a few new flavours into your usual pick ‘n’ mix. You’ll always love your old favourites (for me that’s the cherries and the cola bottles, by the way) but having a few fizzy Dracula teeth just adds to the experience.

A few years ago I was temporarily living in Berlin and an acquaintance of mine set me up on a mate date with another girl who was also in Berlin at the time. I remember clearly sitting in front of this gorgeous, smart, funny woman who had the same job as me and was also in her thirties and immediately hitting it off. She also happened to be single. Jackpot, I thought! Although we aren’t as close now as she moved abroad again, she came into my life at the exact moment I needed her and she taught me about the thrill of making friends in your thirties. It’s easy to think we have enough friends, especially as life gets so busy and exhausting, but I have kept an open mind to new friends ever since meeting her.

Recently a few of my close friends have become single after breakups, and I have also made good friends with other single people through the work that I do. Now I’m back in my hometown, I’m on a mission to expand my social circle up here. Although I have some absolutely lovely friends up here – some who have known me for most of my life – they are often busy with their husbands, children and full-on jobs and I know I’ll feel better when I have a couple more friends in my network to do the kind of things that make being single so awesome like spontaneous drinks or going to midweek gigs.

Finding your tribe as a single woman is one of the most joyful things you can do – and there is power to it as well. Research tells us that when we find someone with similar experiences to our own, it validates our own experience. When the things we think or feel are normalised, it offers affirmation and actually contributes to greater emotional freedom because when we feel recognised and accepted by another, we can more easily accept ourselves.

This is not to say the only people I hang out with now are single. Far from it. Aside from my new single friends, I have recently made new freelance friends who indulge my long voice notes analysing what’s holding me back from realising my career goals. There are also the friends who have come back into my life after a hiatus. Some had kids some time ago but are over the sleepless nights and their children are more independent so they have more time on their hands again. I absolutely love that we can connect over our shared history while also celebrating how we have grown during our time apart.

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Reading this back has actually inspired me to challenge myself to make some new friends. When you are reading this, I will actually be taking part in a group swim as organised by the Shropshire Bluetits. One of the organisers kindly offered me a lift, which is so nice. Hopefully I’ll meet some nice people.

I noticed on the Facebook group for this newsletter a number of posts where people were having struggles with their old friends or were feeling lonely after moving to a new place or new job. I thought it would be useful to ask members of the group where they made new friends in adulthood to help provide some inspiration for anyone who would like to make new friends and extend their social circle. Here are some ideas from the thread:

• Signing up to a pottery class (or other arty class/course).

• Through sharing passions on Instagram and getting chatting over DM.

• Through volunteering.

• Joining a Facebook group (such as The Single Supplement!) and posting where you live to find other local members.

• Going to workshops and retreats (yoga retreats got a few mentions!)

• Joining a sports group such as a running club or biking group or roller derby.

• Posting on a local Facebook group for your neighbourhood or town and asking if anyone is interested in a particular hobby or activity.

• Joining a patient support group for a medical condition.

• Becoming a member of a local choir (or dance classes or amateur dramatics!)

• While retraining / doing a course / through work.

• By signing up to Meet-Up groups.

• Through a walking group / wild swimming group / other outdoorsy group.

• By getting chatting to next door neighbours or other people on the same street.

• Through climate activism or other campaigning.

Hopefully that’s given you a bit of food for thought. Here are a few articles I have come across recently (or rediscovered) for something I’m working on that you may find interesting:

• I spent a year making new friends as an adult, and it was the best thing I ever did

• ‘My first “date” felt more nerve-racking than a romantic one’: how to make new friends as a grownup

• Trying to make new friends at 35 feels more intimidating than dating – but it’s thrilling too

• How to handle a lopsided friendship

• A friendship breakup is a radical loss. Why don’t we talk about it more?

• 'My Close Friend Is Being Selfish!' (Ask Polly column)

• The Secrets of Lasting Friendships

Have a good week!

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

On being single but wanting children (Totally Fine with Tiffany Philippou podcast)

TW: childlessness, infertility

I was interviewed for Tiffany Philippou’s new podcast about being single and wanting to be a mum and not knowing if or when it will happen. This topic can be really uncomfortable for some but I believe it's really important to talk about because there is so much shame and stigma. The reaction so far has been amazing and I’ve been really moved by so many people sharing their stories with me. I’ve even had married people and those with kids who have said it was a good listen.

It's very honest and vulnerable chat but also hopefully relatable. I talk about ambiguous grief and the different ways single people are treated to those with health infertility (even though the outcome of ending up childless may end up being exactly the same) and a little bit about what actions I’m taking to tackle the issue. I’ve been told it’s actually an uplifting listen although obviously there are sad bits too. I also talk in general about starting this newsletter and community and what people still get wrong about single people so it’s not all about wanting kids.

You can listen on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts! Let me know if you do by commenting below or sending me an email xx

Things you should check out

• Solitude is not loneliness. Here’s the key philosophical difference – worth remembering not all single people are lonely! Spending time alone can be wonderful!

• Single women face a workplace penalty too, researchers found – Well, this is depressing.

• Why Talented Single Women Are Less Likely To Be Promoted Than Married Ones – related.

• Waiting Around for Someone To Make You Happy Will Only Make You Sad – I agree!

• ‘I don’t want to live alone’: co-living, community and affordable housing – Some inspo for those looking for co-living inspo!

• New residence for single women, single moms opens in Richmond – good to see!

• Is Being Single Not Aesthetic Anymore? – This article made me feel old…

• The 3 reasons why we choose to stay single – some of this is a bit annoying… or maybe it’s just me!

• This Woman Banned Plus Ones From Her Wedding Unless She Was Friends With Them Too – more of this please. My unpopular opinion either everyone should get a plus one (yes including single people) or nobody should unless the couple are actually friends with both.

• High Value Dating Is A Highly Problematic Concept – yes!

• What It’s Like To Get A Smear Test When You’ve Never Had Penetrative Sex – By Mollie who wrote a recent guest piece for this newsletter! Also, a reminder to get your smear test if you are due one!

• Remember you can get me to answer you if you have any problems or anything you need advice on. Fill in this short form here.

• Have you joined the Facebook group? If not, click here.

• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, where I spend most of my time!

A little note on this newsletter

Thanks for your patience in recent months. I’ve been finishing off a big project I’ve been working on for the last eight months in my spare time alongside my day job, which has meant getting the newsletter out every week on the right day has been tricky for me. However, I’m determined to get back to my roots and put out a weekly newsletter on Sundays again. Let’s see if I manage it! Thanks so much for bearing with me.

My dream is to be able to pay myself a day a week to work on this newsletter and community as well as having extra funds to commission writers to do guest pieces. I also have ideas for campaigns and events I want to do. I am so grateful to the support of my paying subscribers but am not quite there yet, which makes prioritising this free newsletter quite hard, especially as I’m freelance and as they say “time is money!”

If you are in the position to do so – and I know times are tough so know not everyone is – please consider becoming a paying subscriber of this newsletter. Your support helps keep this community going.

About me

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A post shared by Nicola Slawson (@nicola_slawson)

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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