Happy Sunday (just about!)

Today I have a guest piece for you from Francesca Specter who is the founder of the Alonement platform which I have featured before. This guest piece was first published on her own blog and she kindly agreed to let me republish it here.

I’ve been waiting for months to share it as I wanted to wait until we were approaching Wedding Season. I’ve now celebrated one wedding and have got two more invites for weddings that are coming up so it feels like we have reached the start of it.

I’ve written before about how I love weddings (which some may find surprising) and how much I enjoy them and the wedding reception I went to was no exception. It was the wedding party of one of my oldest friends and it was so much fun. One of the best things about it though was that I went to it with another single friend, which in my opinion is the best way to enjoy a wedding as a single person. We got an AirBnb together, shared taxis and even got ready together.

Obviously that isn’t always possible and it can be really tricky to afford a wedding solo and it can also bring up difficult emotions. I’m not immune to this. During a particularly romantic song at this wedding, I did feel a twinge of sadness as all the couples on the dancefloor migrated towards each other and I was left dancing on my own. For the record, this didn’t stop me dancing. Few things can stand in the way of me and a dancefloor but it was a feeling that bubbled up that I noticed. I let myself feel it and then I carried on dancing.

This wasn’t the song that was playing at the time but writing that made me think of it so enjoy:

Anyway, Francesca has written a lovely piece about embracing going to a wedding alone, which may give you a different perspective if you have some weddings coming up and are feeling a bit apprehensive about going without a partner. I hope you find it comforting or even inspiring as wedding season marches on.

Have a good week!

Nicola

Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson

The unexpected romance of attending a wedding alone

By Francesca Specter

Wedding season is in full flow. For me, the past month has been filled with celebrations of love: the weddings of three of my best friends, and the engagement of my brother and my future sister-in-law. The last of which took place earlier this week; a beautiful celebration, for a couple who – just to gush, for a moment – truly adore and complement one another.

During the reception, one of the fellow guests (who was attending with his wife) shared something very honest.

‘It’s so interesting what you write about. But, personally, I’d be terrified to be at a wedding by myself.’

It wasn’t meant at all unkindly, and it was a generous thing to share. Because I know, anecdotally, that a lot of people are afraid of attending weddings without a significant other. According to my inbox, this is an experience many readers of this newsletter have been navigating this summer, perhaps for the first time. Myself included.

Before I address attending weddings ‘alone’, it’s worth mentioning that I’ve been very familiar with the other side. My first adult ‘wedding season’ was with my ex-boyfriend (who is a couple of years older than me, so our relationship coincided with a lot of his close friends getting married). I’ll admit, there was an undeniable comfort to it. The relief of locking eyes with your Person across the room, as you return from the toilet. Knowing whose name card yours will be placed next to on the seating plan. Having someone to sway with during the Michael Buble songs. The hand squeeze underneath the table during the sentimental high points of the speeches. Weddings, after all, are a celebration of romantic love – and to attend one with the object of yours is a lovely thing.

As a line of best fit, it is harder attending a wedding as a single person. But I’ve learnt that just because it’s harder doesn’t mean it has to be less enjoyable – far from it.

So, after flying solo at a trio of weddings over the past month, I wanted to offer the following set of consolations to anyone who, like my fellow guest earlier this week, is terrified at the prospect of being in that position. 

You meet more people when you’re by yourself

Part of the purpose of being a wedding guest is to meet the newly-formed community around the couple – the families they’re bringing together, the extended friendship circles, the names and faces that may crop up in your future conversations with your friends, or at their future gatherings. And, in many ways, this process is easier if you’re attending sans plus one.

It is, simply, easier to work a room as a single unit. No one to check up on; no one to babysit. Being able to flit about the room like a tipsy social butterfly is the luxury of being an uncoupled guest. You often do meet more people – even if that’s initially borne out of the odd awkward moment where you find yourself alone in a corner clutching a chicken skewer. One moment you’re out of your comfort zone, the next you’re meeting a new friend. Anything can happen.

What’s more – without being attached at the hip to another person, you are able to meet new people on your own terms. There’s a liberation in this. Recently, at these events, I’ve felt the strangely comforting sensation of being with myself – not judged in relation to someone standing next to me (because often, without realising it, we do fall into certain dynamics with our partners: we’re the ‘sociable one’ or the ‘serious professional one’).

Don’t get me wrong – I loved socialising at weddings with my ex-boyfriend, and there’s comfort inherent in having your partner – someone who knows you intimately and roots for you – standing next to you. But having a period of your life where you define who you are on your own terms has its own specialness – and I don’t take that for granted. That’s why I admire it so much when couples choose to work a room separately, even if they’re at a party together. 

Attending a wedding alone is a valuable life experience

Nothing in life is fixed. Most people, at some point in their lives, will have to attend a wedding alone – whether that’s because they’re single, or their partner has childcare or work obligations, or perhaps for more challenging reasons like divorce or bereavement. But to know that you can – that you can comfortably attend alone, without the ground swallowing you up, and that you might even have a great time – that’s important self-knowledge, and something that will fortify you and give you confidence in your abilities.

Even if you never attend a wedding alone in the future, doing so at least once does give you a certain level of empathy for those attending alone. And that, in itself, is important. 

The alternative is worse

Being single is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship. Remember that, because it bears repeating – and you may well have to repeat it, silently, to yourself in situations where you feel the limitations of your lifestyle.

Yes – you might, in your vulnerable moments, imagine things might be better if you were attending a wedding with someone, anyone, on your arm. Yes – logistically, financially, it’s easier to be in a relationship for these situations – for a table plan, or a hotel room. But do you want to stay in the wrong relationship because of logistics? No.

A wedding – particularly ones as romantic as those I’ve attended recently – are a celebration of of an aspirational, hopeful kind of love. And take it from me: from past experience, it’s much less lonely to be single at a wedding than to attend with someone you don’t want to be dating – or someone you’ve fallen out of love with – feeling the sting of comparison. 

Weddings are a source of hope – whether you’re in a relationship or not

I don’t want to make this post toxically positive, or reductive, by ignoring the elephant in the room. Yes, if you are currently dating without success (or in another romantically undesirable situation), then a wedding might be the impetus to make you reflect on what you’re lacking – in a way that you wouldn’t typically mid-downward dog at your 8am yoga class, or while cooking dinner with your flatmate, or while sitting in a meeting at work, or during any other situation in life.

But those feelings are valid. And really, as much as it might feel challenging, it’s also useful. Weddings are a source of hope: a love song to love, in the same vein as a Richard Curtis film or a Michael Buble song. And if you can learn, somehow, to reframe your sense of lack as a valid desire to, one day, have a similar kind of love yourself – then being at a wedding alone takes on a hopeful significance: a dream of what might be. And, really, what’s more romantic than that?

Remember: you have permission to attend the most romantic of weddings comfortably alone – to feel like enough, sat there by yourself, while also aspiring to be married one day. It’s a nuanced way to feel, yes – but it is not a contradiction.  

Francesca Specter is a London-based journalist, author of Alonement: How to be alone and absolutely own it, and the creator of the Alonement podcast. Her work has appeared in the Guardian, the Telegraph, Red, Glamour, Yahoo, Grazia and more. You can follow Francesca on Twitter and Instagram.

Things you should check out

• I was interviewed for a new podcast Spinsterhood Reimagined. Lucy Meggeson and I had a brilliant chat. Give it a listen and let me know what you think!

Nicola Slawson @Nicola_Slawson

I was a guest on @LucyMeggeson’s new podcast! We talk about identity, fairytales, the difference between being happily single and being happy and single, the really bad advice I’ve been given & the times I struggled most with being single. Have a listen: podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the…

May 3rd 2022

1 Retweet6 Likes

• Abigail Bergstrom: Hanging Out With The Best Version Of Yourself (Alonement podcast episode) – Abigail said some great things in this chat. I should have taken notes.

• While we are on the topic of podcasts, have you listened to the episode featuring me on Totally Fine with Tiffany Philippou? Tiffany has told me it’s been really popular. Give it a listen here.

Laura Price @LauraPriceWrite

Can't tell you how much I loved this podcast with @tiffphilippou interviewing @Nicola_Slawson on 'ambiguous grief' and being single but wanting children. So much of it resonated with me. Worth a listen. ‎Totally Fine with Tiffany Philippou: Nicola Slawson on being single but wanting children on Apple Podcasts‎Show Totally Fine with Tiffany Philippou, Ep Nicola Slawson on being single but wanting children - 11 Apr 2022podcasts.apple.com

April 20th 2022

4 Retweets12 Likes

• How to rebuild a life after the death of a partner – Love how the writer describes the love and the bond continuing after death.

• Is the Next Phase of Sex Positivity Choosing Not to Have Sex? – Only just came across this. It’s interesting…

• My ex and I argue over my time with our daughter. How can I make things better? – “Unfortunately a lot of separated parents use their children as currency.”

• Dear Tiff: How can I better manage financial differences between friends? – “I could fill a book with the stupid things my friends have said since we’ve turned thirty.” (BTW the person writing in is single so I think a lot of you will find this problem relatable!)

• How To Navigate A Friendship Cash Gap – Related piece.

• The One Thing You Need To Know About Your Money When You Break Up With Someone – Break ups can be expensive. This article may help!

• The Pandemic Reminded Us That Most Women Still Don’t Have a Room of Their Own – “The past two years have shown us that we need to open our eyes to the biases built into our homes.”

• We’re in a Loneliness Crisis: Another Reason to Get Off Our Phones – “We are made to enjoy the physical presence of other human beings. We are made to enjoy rainstorms or sunshine or walks in the woods. We are made to enjoy touchable things.”

• The battle over abortion access isn't just a threat to US women; but women across the globe – Solidarity with my US followers. I’ve been angry about the news all week.

• Why You Shouldn’t Give Your Friends Advice (& How To Actually Help Them) –”When we allow our friends to be really heard, we allow them to be their full selves, to be seen and known.”

• Who Spends the Most Time Alone? – Interesting from Bella De Paulo!

• The Women’s Prize for Fiction 2022 shortlist has officially been announced – Some reading inspo!

• Remember you can get me to answer you if you have any problems or anything you need advice on. Fill in this short form here.

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• Don’t forget to follow me on Instagram, where I spend most of my time!

About me

nicola_slawson

A post shared by Nicola Slawson (@nicola_slawson)

For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you particularly liked this edition, you can buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.

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