🎯 I’m pretty punk rock…

…I mean, talk about killing. 🤘🫁😬

🎙️ Speaking of, I’m taping a comedy special at NY Comedy Club on 4/21. Come/tell friends/turn up those tanks to max O2. Promo code “shineon” for $10 off tix.

🎯 I never gloat after someone dies...but also, check out my book If I Did It: Confessions of a Guy Gloating After OJ’s Death.

🎯 I slept through that NYC earthquake. I was like a 007 martini: shaken but not stirred.

🎯 Curb ended the same week as the eclipse and I feel like LD woulda hated it. "Path of totality? More like path of banality!"

🎯 There need to be more songs about eclipses. Pink Floyd and Bonnie Tyler really raked it in on residuals this week.

🎯 I’m now in Austin for the first time in years and it’s giving BBL vibes…

🎙️ Texas? Come see me tell jokes...

• Austin: Tonight (4/11) at Creek and the Cave (tickets).

• Houston: Sat (4/13) at The Secret Group (tickets).

🎯 Bird watchers are just wildlife peeping toms.

🎯 “How do you define a woman?”
”A woman is whatever the woman I want to date says a woman is.”

🎯 I’m not politically homeless, I’m politically unhoused.

🎯 I will never understand why we have to say "flu-like" symptoms. Just "flu symptoms" is good enough. Symptoms are always *LIKE* the thing – that's why we say someone has symptoms instead of just saying they have THE THING. But don't mind me, I just have a**hole symptoms.

🎯 I know, life is a movie. The problem: I thought I was making a superhero flick and I’m slowly realizing it’s a weird art film.

🎯 I’m in therapy, but I’m playing hard to get.

🗯️ Joan Didion on self-respect:

“Character—the willingness to accept responsibility for one’s own life—is the source from which self-respect springs.” If we lack self-respect, “we are peculiarly in thrall to everyone we see, curiously determined to live out—since our self-image is untenable—their false notions of us.” Self-respect may not make life effortless and easy. But it means that whenever “we eventually lie down alone in that notoriously uncomfortable bed, the one we make ourselves,” at least we can fall asleep.

🎯 crotch-based podcasting - any podcast sponsored by MeUndies, Manscaped, BlueChew, or some other product that generates revenue from below the belt

🎯 “Science-backed”/“support immunity”/“promotes gut health”…These are all just the "California sober" of science. They're kiiiiinda what they sound like but actually the opposite.

🎯 Tip: The best scientists don't have subscribers.

💭 Too many people confuse celebrity with expertise:

Rebuilding trust and science literacy will be an ongoing effort, especially when falsehoods spread faster than facts. Further, we need people to understand that scientific expertise doesn’t transfer to every field. If someone presents themselves as an expert in too broad a topic range or topics outside their expertise, be wary. 

🎯 “Gimme the Suze Orman.” -Caitlin Clark’s coach

🎯 All I watch on YouTube is comedy stuff and I'm constantly interrupted by ads featuring the Sandy Hook parents. I can not even begin to tell you how jarring it is to hard cut from a Tim Robinson clip to a dead toddler's dad begging for help because they’re actually kinda similar until they are very much not.

🎯 As a comedian, I have (dozens of times) asked crowds, "Any incels here tonight?" NEVER has there been a yes. I'm starting to think their big issue may be they never leave the house.

🎙️ DC: I’ll be at the Cellar Door in Frederick, MD on 4/14 (tickets here).

🎯 I’m offended by people who get offended by people who are offended by jokes.

🎯 Every old person is a tastemaker and they’ve just decided most trends are dumb and it’s actually mad respectable.

🎯 The genius of social media is it allows us to present mental illness while wearing the mask of moral superiority.

🎯 Crazy how Jews run every PR firm in the world yet Israel's out here running the worst damn PR operation ya ever did see.

🎯 Not everything is about you. That goes for both good and bad stuff. Next time you get celebrated or rejected, remember to consider it may have little (or even nothing) to do with you.

🎯 Sober people online: “I haven't had a drink in 875 days. So grateful for AA!”
Me: What happened to the anonymous part?

🎯 Twirl!

🎯 VC's: What's your brilliant biz idea?
WeWork: Do real estate but pretend it's tech.
VC's: Genius! Here's $50 Billion.

🎯 Doesn't get more American than having to watch an ad for Chevron (“the human energy company”) before you can watch surveillance video of cops beating up a guy.

🎧 Subscribe to my podcast…

Kind of a Lot with Matt Ruby Stereoactive Media 33 episodes

Here’s video of the most recent one:

🎯 The US Congress nowadays is what happens when the heckler gets the microphone.

🗯️ "Brunch is demoralizing to the serious line cook," wrote Anthony Bourdain.

"Remember, brunch is only served once a week, on the weekends. Buzzword here, 'Brunch Menu'. Translation? 'Old, nasty odds and ends, and 12 dollars for two eggs with a free Bloody Mary.'" In other words, quoth Bourdain, it's a scam. Plus, chefs are scheduling their best line cooks on Friday and Saturday nights, he explained, during the most important dinner rushes of the week. Consequently, whoever's cooking your French toast probably belongs to the B Squad…"Nothing makes an aspiring Escoffier feel more like an army commissary cook, or Mel from Mel's Diner, than having to slop out eggs over bacon and eggs Benedict for the Sunday brunch crowd."

🎙️ My BIG IF TRUE tour rolls on. NOLA, Denver, Belgium, Luxembourg, and Holland upcoming too. Tickets here.

🃏 Wanna know when I’m coming to your area? Sign up at Punchup and I’ll tell ya when I’m coming to your area.

🃏 My other newsletter is Funny How: Letters to a Young Comedian and it’s about comedy craft.

🃏 More jokes, info, and clips of my standup: Instagram, TikTok, Threads, and YouTube.

Thanks for reading!

-Matt