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I’ve been thinking a lot about making new friends this week after a reader wrote in to ask a question for the agony aunt column. She wanted to know if I was worried about my social life given I’ve moved from London to my hometown and most of my friends here are in serious relationships or married. To cut a long story short, I am a bit worried but I also know if I make an effort, I’ll find more friends here and actually it’s more the pandemic that is hindering things. While I stand by this, I’ve also been wondering if I am the only one who should be making an effort?
This is just a warning that I am going to talk about dating now but I promise it relates to my point about making friends so please bear with me those who can’t stand the topic. So yesterday my friend Tiffany Philippou posted a screenshot of a Guardian article about matchmaking, which we then had a little chat about over Instagram messages. We both agreed there should be more of, not least because it would save us the horror of online dating. In the words of Tiffany “it’s so annoying” that most people just don’t bother to do it in this day and age. A few years ago when I was feeling really low about being on my own – and to my great shame – I even decided to bring up how annoying it was that my friends had never tried setting me up when I was drunk at my friend’s wedding party (yes I made this rant to the actual bride but thankfully she chose to ignore me!).
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You might be surprised to see me advocate for matchmaking but I’m not talking about the kind Bridget Jones’ mum does which is against the two people’ will but the more thoughtful no-pressure variety. My favourite time something like this has actually happened to me was at the wedding of another friend. Just before the reception was about to get into full swing, she pulled me aside and pointed out all the single men in attendance and, in particular, the two she thought I would go for. There was no pressure. The information was just there is I wanted it. I was touched that on her big day me being there on my own was something she had considered. (She was right, by the way, and I happily spent a large portion of the party snogging one of the ones she thought I might like on the corner of the dancefloor like a teenager while she occasionally looked over laughing and giving me the thumbs up.)
I also love hearing about the matchmaking my friend Emma Winterschladen AKA the Hungry Romantic (or should it be Cilla Black?) is known for which she wrote about last year. She wrote: “When I was single, I wanted nothing more than to tap into my friends’ networks. I felt the world was brimming with people I could fall in love with – but friends were reluctant to ‘get involved’ in my pursuit of love and preferred to keep their social circles separate.”
Emma’s last point brings me onto my own. I talked at the start of the newsletter about making an effort but why should I be the only one taking any action? If I want to find some fun friends who are up for the kind of spontaneous meetups that my friends with kids find more difficult, why don’t I just ask my existing friends if they know anyone cool who might be up for making a new friend? They could then suggest we grab a coffee or simply introduce us at the next social gathering we both go to.
When I lived abroad this kind of thing was so normal, I wouldn’t even have to ask. After a week spent on my own in South Korea where not even my co-workers seemed to want to make friends, I bumped into an American guy in the street who automatically asked if I wanted to come to a birthday party that night. It was not his way of coming onto me. It was that this was how it was done. That night he introduced me to people who have gone onto be lifelong friends. Similar things happened when I lived in Spain. In Berlin, where I lived for a short time, a friend back in the UK introduced me to another friend of hers who was also in Berlin. We agreed to meet for coffee, which turned into brunch and became firm friends.
But why does this have to happen only during adventures abroad? Like Emma said some people seem very reluctant to mix their friends. I guess sometimes I have felt nervous when I’ve organised birthday parties and wondered how people would get on but in the most part if they get on with me then they are likely to get on with each other. And sometimes people are friendly enough at the party but don’t ever talk again and that’s OK but I would never think to keep people completely separate. Just recently I went camping with two friends. Even though they were two of my best friends, they didn’t really know each other at all so inviting them both on the same trip was, perhaps, a risky move on my part. They had met briefly a few times and they had heard a lot about each other over the years but they had never hung out but I just knew – and sometimes your instinct really does tell you – they would get on like a house on fire. I genuinely hope they become proper friends.
I feel quite passionate about this. I really think we should all do a little more friendship matchmaking. Obviously, at the moment, it’s hard or impossible to throw a party and introduce people (depending on where you live and what your local lockdown restrictions are) but you can still introduce people over the internet. With permission, I regularly do email or WhatsApp introductions for other journalists so there is no reason I can’t do it for people who I know have something other than work in common. You can also do it in less direct way by just suggesting someone follow someone else on social media or sign up to their newsletter. I’m forever sending my friends things I think they will enjoy reading or seeing, and I can’t be alone, so it’s just an extension of that really.
Anyway, your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to introduce one of your friends this week to another friend. It could just be suggesting they follow each other on Instagram or it could be organising a meet-up (online or otherwise) and inviting them both along. And don’t forget the golden rule of doing an introduction…
Have a great week,
Nicola
Twitter: @Nicola_Slawson | Instagram: @Nicola_Slawson
What caught my attention
Stop self-sabotaging with Africa Brooke (Is This Working? Podcast)
This is not about being single as it’s a work-related podcast but the discussion about self-sabotaging and shifting your mindset was one which I think a lot of you will fine useful and is relatable to everyday life not just working. To stick with the theme, I get people messaging me saying they are bad at making friends. Africa says “everything that comes after the statement I am is an identity statement” and so to help shift your mindset, you need to shift your language and thing things you believe about yourself. People might think this is woo woo but there is no harm in giving it a go and seeing if it helps. More on the topic here.
Diana Rigg: “I have been single forever and I love every minute of it”
This is an old article but I’m sharing it now to honour Diana Rigg’s passing. The quotes in this are amazing. She says: “I’ve been single forever and, oh god, I love every minute of it. I don’t wish to sound offensive and it always does when women say that, doesn’t it?” Yes Diana! So often people seem offended or personally attacked if you say you are happy and single as if by saying that you are somehow judging their relationship choices somehow. She also says: “There is nothing to stop you taking lovers. I’d had enough of co-habiting after I divorced but not, may I say, of lovemaking – that was still pretty high on the agenda.” LOVE HER!
I wonder how many people have changed living situations after lockdown. I have moved into a house on my own after spending lockdown with my parents and Jenny Stevens, who wrote this, is going the other way and moving into the flat share after spending lockdown alone. I also wonder what will happen if there is another lockdown for us here in the UK. I feel much more confident about my ability to cope alone now I have a nice place to live, although I have found myself searching for a cat whenever news about a second-peak comes on the TV. Jenny has also clearly thought about another lockdown too: “I was jealous of my flat-sharing friends who were seeing out the pandemic in communion rather than going it alone. I knew that if there was a choice, I would rather do it their way in future.”
The lowdown
The eagle-eyed among you may have noticed that instead of sharing The Single Supp socials above, I shared my own ones. This is because I’m finding it hard to manage both accounts at the moment so I’m just going to concentrate on the one I use the most (and which is also important for my paid work). I’m not going to close them as I might decide to give them some much needed TLC in the future but until I can pay myself a day a week to work on The Single Supplement, I just don’t think it’s going to happen for a while. Please do follow me on my own Instagram as that’s the platform I use the most. I do talk about being single on it as well as sharing my other ramblings.
Tiffany and I are putting on the third event in our masterclass series about writing about your life. This one is for any of you reading this and wondering how to start a newsletter (or a Medium blog) of your own. It’s on 29 September and we can’t wait to see you there. Writing this newsletter has honestly changed my life so if you’re a writer or a wannabe writer, grab your ticket now.
This is not related to being single whatsoever but I wanted to share it as it’s an article I really enjoyed writing and thought some of you might like to read. It’s about a movement to celebrate the humble weed and writing it made me think of the phrase “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”.
As mentioned earlier, I have an agony aunt column for paying subscribers of this newsletter. You can take part even if you don’t want to sign up. Just fill out this form with your burning question or problem and pop your email address in as well. After I write the column, I’ll forward it to you. Your identity will be kept totally anonymous in the version subscribers can see.
About me
For those who don’t know, I’m Nicola Slawson, a freelance journalist who lives in Shropshire, UK. If you would like to support what I do, please consider subscribing to be a paid supporter of The Single Supplement. If you would prefer to make a one-off contribution, you can also buy me a coffee, here’s the link to my Ko-Fi page. Follow me on Instagram and Twitter.
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