Sofie Hagen - It's not unhealthy being fat

 

Remember the beginning? We couldn't get flour or toilet paper. What a world.

 

For me, my OCD has blossomed. I have had so many OCD projects this lockdown. By 'OCD projects', I mean: projects that I have needed to do compulsively or something bad would happen. In the very beginning, I decided to paint my entire studio flat. Then I painted the bathroom. I then decided to learn how to play the ukulele. I also decided to fall in love with this guy I've met a few times, but that went about as well as the ukulele (which is now collecting dust in the cupboard, next to him). Thing is, these things might not seem mentally ill. Lots of people paint their homes, fall in love or fail at learning an instrument. The difference is how my brain reacts to these things. I must do them, I need to do them. And I cannot think of anything else. Or do anything else. I can't sleep and I wake up too early. My heart beats so fast, constantly and I can't relax. It's the 'flight'-reaction, by the way. You know trauma? Good ol' trauma. When you're experiencing something traumatic, you have four responses: fight, flight, fawn and freeze. When you get PTSD or CPTSD, these reactions sort of 'live' inside of you till you get help and work through it. 'Freeze' is essentially dissociation - you just turn off your brain and play dead. You're in bed all day, staring into the wall, incapable of doing anything. If you can't feel anything, nothing hurts and nothing is scary. 'Fawn' is co-dependency. You make yourself part of someone else, to try and control the danger. If only this person just loves me and protects me, I'll be fine. I need this other person to survive. 'Fight' is, yeah, attacking. 'Flight' is running away. It's distracting yourself. For me, this is what has turned into/is OCD. I hyper-focus on a project so nothing else exists - time and space are mere concepts and the outside world (or inside world, woahhh) doesn't exist. I move between flight and freeze all the time. Sometimes I fawn, but honestly, a large number of men have really ruined this one for me by being not-worth-fawning-over.

 

All of this to say: I have to move house soon. For various reasons. Some of these reasons being: there is mould and large wet patches on all of my walls, the sewer keeps overflowing outside the window, I have a snail infestation and you know what? I'm really, really, really tired of only having a desk as a table - when you're turning 32 and still eating dinner by your desk and you can't have guests over because they can only sit in your bed... And they'll get mouldy lungs... You start to wonder... should I find someplace else?

This was all, of course, helped along by my landlord giving me a nice little offer: Renew my contract for a whole year or move out? I have to admit that the snails won. This is their flat now.

 

So my OCD is in the driver's seat now. I've been to look at three flats, socially distanced of course, and I liked two of them. In 48 hours, I have built one of them in The Sims and decorated and painted it. I spent hours on each piece of furniture, to figure out how to place it, like I would in real life. The other one, I drew on a piece of paper. I inspected the photos on the website - bed, chair, desk - find the lengths of these - right... That wall must be 3.5 meters long. The window is where the chair is. So the window probably starts 70 centimeters in... And so on. My computer crashed last night because I had 200+ tabs open, full of affordable furniture in funky colours. I have made lists. And I have checked Rightmove once an hour. I can't stop thinking about it. It's an obsession. I've thought of every single detail down to what I will pack into which boxes and what I will move first.

 

It's quite exhausting, really. This is all just to say: I will probably be talking a lot about furniture, rent, moving boxes and storage solutions in the near future. But all of that is still *very on brand*, so I'm sure we'll be just fine.

 

 

 

 TODAY I released a brand new show for download and stream!

 

It's called 'But What About Health?' - it's a 90 minute 'funny chat' - 'comedy talk' - talkedy? - about fatness and health. It's full of stories and jokes and most importantly, SCIENCE, to back it all up. Is it unhealthy being fat? I will answer this question. Nuanced and accessible. Funnily. I'm really, really proud of it. I had so much fun researching it and performing it. I really hope you'll buy it and watch it. And if you like it: tell your friends.

 

But first - buy it here for just £5 - and you can, as always, pay more, if you're rich or if you think it's worth it. It has subtitles and it's there in both low res and high res. You can stream it or download it. I'm really, really excited about it.

 

 

 

 

 

I will talk about my past therapists - the one that wanted me to draw a tree, the one that was drunk, the one that was naked... I will talk about all my weird brain stuff. About trauma, CPTSD, how to find a therapist, what mental illness looks like for me. I can't wait!

 

 

 

 

 

My podcast Made of Human Podcast is finally being transcribed! In the beginning, we are just transcribing the new episodes, but with time (and money), I will start having the old episodes transcribed too. On the website, you can find all the ones that are already transcribed. I feel like I'm saying the word 'transcribed' too much now, it's losing all its meaning.

 

- Jameela Jamil: I don't need to tell you who this is.

- Payzee Mahmoud: She was a 'child bride' and an amazing person

- Pixie Turner: You know her from Instagram - a fat positive nutritionist!

- Emily Gorcenski: an actual nazi-hunter.

 

Go listen here!

 

 

 

I have care packages on sale again! The cheapest version is £25+postage which includes my book 'Happy Fat' (signed!) and some stickers with my face on them. And you can add stuff like extra stickers, stand-up shows and handwritten notes. I ship internationally, but of course, if it's far away from the UK, it will take its time. But there are people in both the US, South Africa and Australia who have tagged me in photos where they've received it - so it should arrive just fine eventually. 

 

I have 5 boxes full of books that I'd rather not drag with me to a potential new flat - so get buying, pur-lease. I'll send them all before the end of this month.

  

 

 

 

After the last online show, where I had so much fun, I asked you all how you'd feel if I did two shows a month - the big monthly one that's themed and then one smaller, cheaper and sillier one. And you all said yes! (The people thinking 'no!' were quiet, which was very nice of them.)

 

So on Thursday, September 3rd, I am doing a silly little online show at 8pm. There are three ticket options: £3, £5 and £10. You decide yourself. Whatever you feel like paying. I know times are  t o u g h. I have no idea what we'll be doing in the show, but I'm going to find a way to communicate with you somehow, so it can be a bit more interactive. I'll try and be funny and entertaining. It will be fun. FUN. Did I mention it would be FUN?

 

You have to have FUN. Buy tickets for this FUN show here. Thank you.

 

That was the immediate stuff! 

 

I am selling my two shows 'Dead Baby Frog' and 'Shimmer Shatter' on this link - they're £5 minimum, but if you're broke, you can use the code 'eattherich' to get 50% off. Now, if you are rich, you can also choose to give more than £5. You can give, say, £2000 per show. That'd be nice. Thank you, rich person.

Also a reminder: I'm on Patreon!

Speaking of Made of Human Podcast - I hope it can bring you entertainment and comfort these days. I'm having some incredibly conversations with amazing people. Go listen here or wherever you listen to podcasts.

You are all so awesome. I'm lucky. Very lucky. Sending you so much love.

Sofie.