Sofie Hagen - I'm probably a huge b i t c h.

I am wearing a long robe (about which I will be shrieking 'it's not a dress!' for en eternity, I think. Hashtag NonbinaryAndGenderConfusedProblems) and I am sitting in my kitchen, drinking what most people would describe as 'a pint of milk'.

 

Since the last letter I sent you, I have moved house. If you follow me on Instagram, you will have followed the frustration and the stress but also the excitement. It currently feels like a dream. I'm sitting at an actual dining table, that isn't my desk, by a window where actual light can come through, in a kitchen that's bigger than my big toe. Living the dream.

 

That being said, I spent a lot of time these past 24 hours digging myself into a Social Media Gossip Hole. First of all, I apologise for having to be vague here. I know we all love the 'hot goss'. Essentially, a comedian posted a tweet about how another unnamed comedian is a bully. This tweet was then deleted again, for obvious reasons. But the internet lost its sh!t. I'm a member of quite a few podcast-related Facebook groups and in each of them, there were threads full of people trying to figure out who the bully comedian was. 

 

This led to a lot of people wondering about all comedians - who was nice, who was horrible. People had met comedians or they knew people who had met comedians - and there was a lot of 'no way! I always liked them, this is so disappointing'. Obviously, O B V I O U S L Y, I read every single comment. I particularly enjoyed a discussion between a couple of people, where one thought that I was awful - he didn't have any evidence, he just always got the vibe - and others told him that I was wrong, that I was an absolutely amazing person. In another thread, people said that it definitely couldn't have been me who was the bully, because I was just undeniably nice. Then someone suggested that I could be the bully - seeing as they rarely saw me with other comedians. Someone else then said that I seemed to be friendly with Mark Watson and Kiri Pritchard-McLean.

 

When you have anxiety - and when you used to spend every waking hour obsess over what people thought of you - to the extent where you had to write 'You Wouldn't Care So Much About What Other People Thought Of You If You Knew How Seldom They Did' on all of your school books - it's weirdly satisfactory reading what people actually think of you. Stuff they probably wouldn't say to your face - or maybe they wouldn't even say it if they knew you were watching. (Maybe they even assume you're too dignified to be reading long Facebook threads - ha ha, WRONG.)

 

Of course, I wanted to comment and explain. The one thing I felt desperate to say was that them thinking that I am a bully because I'm rarely seen with other comedians is my exact fear too. Or, that it crosses my mind, a few times a day, what my social status amongst other comedians is. I rarely see a comedian tweet anything without thinking 'I wonder if they hate me?'. But I also often see comedians and think, 'Oh yeah, they definitely hate me because of that time I was a huge c u n t to them.'

 

Which is why I wanted to defend the guy who thought that my general vibe was awful. Because, yeah, of course I've been awful. I've also been very nice. Sometimes I've been awful to the person I was previously very nice to. I believe it's a very normal human trait to have. A change of moods.

 

 

A very kind man once asked me, outside of a gig, if I could do a video message for his friend who was sick at home and a big fan. I said no. I bet he doesn't like me much. I wouldn't be surprised if my ex-boyfriend hated me a bit - after all, I broke up with him via text.

 

Sometimes I've really messed up - and I've apologised  - and the fact that some people now don't like or trust me is definitely something I feel bad about. Not something I beat myself up about, because everyone makes mistakes, but it is something I wish hadn't happened. There are also instances where people hate me for weird reasons - times things have genuinely been out of my control. Or the other stuff - someone lied to them, they were triggered somehow and didn't recognise that that was what had happened or they misunderstood something.

 

I could justify it all, easily, and sort of make myself seem good again. You know? Eight years ago, yes, I was a horribly problematic person. A lot of us were. Most of us still are. I'm really sorry about it. I try every day to do better and I keep myself learning. A lot of the times I've wounded people, it's been down to mental health stuff. My anxiety makes me dismiss people because I'm in intense fight/flight mode.

 

The guy who wanted me to do a video for his sick friend - I was receiving a lot of abuse online at the time and I was scared that he just wanted to do some kind of prank on me. Had he been a woman, I would have probably done it. I think about it often - that he probably wasn't one of the trolls. I just got scared.

 

I broke up with my ex over text because my anxiety was so high that it was all I could do. I had had nosebleeds for weeks. I felt sick. I was definitely triggered. That doesn't change the pain he might have felt.

 

That's all, sort of, what I wanted to comment in all of those Facebook groups. Yes! You're all right about me! I am an amazing person, I am an awful person, I am problematic, I am a bully, I am a great friend, I am a good comedian and I am a bad comedian. Depends on the day, the context, my mental health, your mental health, timing, nuance and all of that. 

 

Just to make it clear - this is not me fishing for compliments. I'm very, very okay with my own flaws and I am okay with people hating me. For whatever reason. I'm also okay with the people who just dislike me, the people who don't care about me and the people who just wish I'd shut up a bit more. I'm okay with the fact that being human is so wonderfully chaotic and complex.

 

I did go to a comedian's party a while ago (before Covid, obviously). I walked in, looked around and left. It must have looked weird. Maybe it looked rude. It could easily have been said that I walked in, saw that there were not enough famous people, and left. The truth is that I walked in, didn't see anyone I recognised apart from two people and they were both surrounded by people I didn't know. I tried opening a door because I thought it might lead to another room. It was a closet. A few people saw me open the closet. So I panicked and left. It was the same Uber driver who had driven me there, who picked me up again and I had to do a fake phonecall to a fake friend saying, 'Why do you need me to send this to you now? I was just at a party! This is so annoying! Yes, fine, I'll go home and send them to you, but then I'm going back to the party, you understand me? Fine!'

 

This all leads beautifully into my first, big announcement. 

 

 

I set it up yesterday and I am so excited.

 

 

I will talk about shame and embarrassment. Stories of truly awful things I've done. Not the classic women's magazine 'Oopsie, I'm so bad, I was 5 minutes late to a meeting and I had coffee on my shirt' type of shame. We're talking real shame. Break-ups-over-text shame. Cheating. Lying. The stuff we'd rather not have people know about. This includes sexual shame. Body hair. Weird-looking genitals. Embarrassing sex stories. Rejection. It's going to be uncomfortable and hilarious and afterwards, we'll all feel better.

 

It's the first show I will be doing with you. I want your stories! I want you to submit your most embarrassing and shameful stories. On the website below, you can record a voice message. Please keep it to under two minutes - three if it's REALLY good. We want the light-hearted, funny embarrassing stories and we also want the dark 'I did this horrible thing' confessions. We're digging into - and celebrating - human error. Hopefully we'll all feel less alone.

 

AND - for the next 48 hours, you get 20% off the tickets! With the code:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 When I was 12 or 13, I joined Jason Momoa's fan club. This was the olden days, so we had to print out a form and fill it in and send it to the US of A. Months later, we got an envelope. It had a letter thanking me for joining his fan club and a signed photo of him. A real life signed photo of Jason Momoa from Baywatch Hawaii! I was super excited. A member of a bloody fanclub. Of course, when I got older, I threw out the photo because who cares about some guy who was in a spin-off of Baywatch. Anyways, I don't know where that guy is now. Probably working in Burger King. 

 

So when a few people asked me if I had a Patreon (and I did, but it was just for my podcast), I suddenly started thinking of all the opportunities! I could send out envelopes with signed photos! I could give people special discounts! This. Could. Be. So. Much. Fun.

 

So I started a Patreon. Where you can support me! And get fun stuff!

 

 

I bought 200 A4 prints of my face and started signing. It then turned out that I'd bought 200 A5 envelopes. Not a good fit. Instead of returning them, I just bought an additional 200 A5 photos of me and an additional 200 A4 envelopes. In short: I now have 200 signed A4 photos and 200 signed A5 photos of me.

 

Meaning that the first 400 Patrons (who give £5 a month or more and who given an address upon signing up) will get a signed photo and a 'Welcome To The Fan Club' letter. 

 

I've named you the Dorks. Because knowing what I know about people who are into what I do, you're all dorks. This is obviously a term of endearment. I am also a dork. Head Dork.

 

The idea of the Patreon is this: You like what I do. You want to support me, financially, because 1) you can 2) Covid has royally f*cked my industry and the government sure isn't doing anything to help 3) you appreciate that I put out a lot of free content - I do this because I love to do it and I always try to find a good balance between paid and free content. I love podcasts for this very reason - you can listen to over 300 hours of free stuff and that's okay. Or you can pay for it, however much you can. However much you want. It feels fair. Those of you who have the income support - so that those who do not can still enjoy free stuff. That's sort of socialism, in a way, sort of? Ish?

 

I will add to the Patreon when I can - you will be the first people to get a tour of my new place. I've painted and gone overboard. There is already a Bedroom Reveal up. I want to do ASMR videos, read you goodnight stories, give you special discounts and give you early access to stuff. Sometimes I will get things #gifted that I don't want and I might send it to you. Or, some months I might not post at all, because of busy'ness or mental health stuff. You support the Patreon because you want to. Not because you're expecting things, necessarily. It's meant to be fun and every little extra thing is just a fun bonus.

 

It's a monthly payment. As little as £5 a month to join. But I think you can set a limit that's even lower, when you do sign up. So if you've ever gotten anything out of my work, if you've ever appreciated my existence and if £5 won't make a dent in your finances, I highly suggest you join my magnificent fan club. If it's good enough for Jason Momoa (professional burger-flipper, probably), it's good enough for us.

 

(At the same time, if you're broke - because capitalism is a b i t c h and this government is letting us all down - please don't feel guilty. This is meant to just be a nice, fun thing. I'll keep doing what I have always done, for free.)

 

 

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 I released a new show for download and stream!

 

It's called 'But What About Health?' - it's a 90 minute 'funny chat' - 'comedy talk' - talkedy? - about fatness and health. It's full of stories and jokes and most importantly, SCIENCE, to back it all up. Is it unhealthy being fat? I will answer this question. Nuanced and accessible. Funnily. I'm really, really proud of it. I had so much fun researching it and performing it. I really hope you'll buy it and watch it. And if you like it: tell your friends.

 

But first - buy it here for just £5 - and you can, as always, pay more, if you're rich or if you think it's worth it. It has subtitles and it's there in both low res and high res. You can stream it or download it. I'm really, really excited about it.

 

 

 

My podcast Made of Human Podcast is finally being transcribed! In the beginning, we are just transcribing the new episodes, but with time (and money), I will start having the old episodes transcribed too. On the website, you can find all the ones that are already transcribed. I feel like I'm saying the word 'transcribed' too much now, it's losing all its meaning.

 

- Jameela Jamil: I don't need to tell you who this is.

- Payzee Mahmoud: She was a 'child bride' and an amazing person

- Pixie Turner: You know her from Instagram - a fat positive nutritionist!

- Emily Gorcenski: an actual nazi-hunter.

 

Go listen here!

 

 

 

 

 

Sofie.