Hey, what are you doing tonight? Wanna hang out?

I realised yesterday that when you say that you're having a bad mental health day, people who have never had a bad mental health day might not actually know what you mean. Yesterday, as I was having a BMHD (Bad Mental Health Day), I found myself repeatedly saying, 'Oh, I'm not sad.' and was met with a lot of, 'Oh? Then what?'

 

And that's a good question. I, myself, sometimes conflate sadness with what I'm going through. But mostly it's because I'm sort of sad that I'm having a BMHD (Still 'Bad Mental Health Day') - but the sadness isn't the issue. In the same way as, if my leg was broken, I would be having a Bad Leg Day and I'd be sad about that. But if someone asked me why I didn't want to play football, I wouldn't say 'It's because I'm sad'. I'd say 'No thank you, I have better things to do with my life, even if I didn't have a broken leg, I never would have played football with you, who do you think I am? Honestly, you're the reason I broke my leg, Chad, just so you'd stop asking me.'

 

You know what I mean.

 

My therapist describes it as a war. A battle. Inside your head. One part of you wants to do things - maybe cook, eat, work, do laundry, call a friend, shower, get dressed. Another part is telling you to stay in bed, in the darkness and not move. Another part is telling you that this would all be fixed if only you throw out anything RED in your flat because you're only unwell because you don't like your RED utensils holder and once you get a white one, everything will be just fine. And then there's a whole other part observing this, trying to argue with every single voice, battling them with logic and compassion and sometimes just screaming 'Please shut up and let me live'. It's exhausting. A BMHD (this is still 'Bad Mental Health Day' shortened) for me means ordering take-away because I can just click some buttons on my phone and going to the kitchen to take some toast out of a bag is too much. Why even bother, when your utensils holder is red? 

 

But I'm not sad. I don't think negative thoughts about myself. I know I'm worthy of love and I still think I'm hot; I'm just a hot mess. Sure, a part of me is really mean to be for not getting the work done - but it isn't as much about blaming myself, as much as it's just pure anxiety saying, 'If you don't answer these emails, your agent might leave you and you'll not be able to pay rent and people are going to be so disappointed in you and look at all these other comedians who are just working so hard all the time and doing television and if only you could function properly you could be doing television as well.'

 

So it's just that. Anxiety, OCD, CPTSD. Not depression. I got rid of that one ages ago. No sadness, just a bunch of very, very loud thoughts that are almost impossible to get rid of. I say 'almost' because my therapist makes wild claims that it will eventually get better. And actually, I will accept that. I only plummeted into this BMHD (remember? 'Bad Mental Health Day') hole because I suddenly felt a lot better - and I challenged every thought in my head and managed to make them all shut up for a second. And as abusers often will do - when you try to escape, they grasp onto you even harder. So that's what it's doing. The illness or whatever. It caught me picking the lock, so now it's making sure I'm tied securely to my bed, unable to escape.

 

So, I'm not sad, just tired. Just restrained. 

 

And today isn't that bad, actually. I brushed my teeth and showered. Put on almost-proper clothes (a loungewear-jumpsuit - which counts as real clothes because it's tricky to pee when you're wearing a jumpsuit) and make-up and I actually had breakfast. Coco Pops, sure, but I ate something. I'm even about to take some vitamins. And I'm writing this newsletter. I'm practically a fully functioning human! (Although after this, I will need to lie down for a couple of hours, because it's just a bit too much. Let's not overdo it.

 

Primarily because tonight I am doing a show that I am SO excited for. I'm telling you: SO EXCITED. (Almost as excited as I am about receiving my white utensils holder tomorrow.)

 

This all leads beautifully into all of the announcements and stuff I'm up to. 

 

 

As I said: SO EXCITED.

 

 

I will talk about shame and embarrassment. Stories of truly awful things I've done. Not the classic women's magazine 'Oopsie, I'm so bad, I was 5 minutes late to a meeting and I had coffee on my shirt' type of shame. We're talking real shame. Break-ups-over-text shame. Cheating. Lying. The stuff we'd rather not have people know about. This includes sexual shame. Body hair. Weird-looking genitals. Embarrassing sex stories. Rejection. It's going to be uncomfortable and hilarious and afterwards, we'll all feel better.

 

It's the first show I will be doing with you. I want your stories! I want you to submit your most embarrassing and shameful stories. On the website below, you can record a voice message. Please keep it to under two minutes - three if it's REALLY good. We want the light-hearted, funny embarrassing stories and we also want the dark 'I did this horrible thing' confessions. We're digging into - and celebrating - human error. Hopefully we'll all feel less alone.

 

I also have some of my friends and celebrities and activists an authors and comedians telling their most embarrassing stories.

 

It will be so much fun. And honestly, it will feel so liberating.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've named you the Dorks. Because knowing what I know about people who are into what I do, you're all dorks. This is obviously a term of endearment. I am also a dork. Head Dork.

 

The idea of the Patreon is this: You like what I do. You want to support me, financially, because 1) you can 2) Covid has royally f*cked my industry and the government sure isn't doing anything to help 3) you appreciate that I put out a lot of free content - I do this because I love to do it and I always try to find a good balance between paid and free content. I love podcasts for this very reason - you can listen to over 300 hours of free stuff and that's okay. Or you can pay for it, however much you can. However much you want. It feels fair. Those of you who have the income support - so that those who do not can still enjoy free stuff. That's sort of socialism, in a way, sort of? Ish?

 

I will add to the Patreon when I can - so far there are lots of saved Instagram Live Cooking shows that will be up indefinitely, there's a tour of my flat, a video from Mark Watson that I forced him to do, an option to get a signed photo sent to you, discounts for my live shows and much more.

I want to do ASMR videos, read you goodnight stories, give you special discounts and give you early access to stuff. Sometimes I will get things #gifted that I don't want and I might send it to you. Or, some months I might not post at all, because of busy'ness or mental health stuff. You support the Patreon because you want to. Not because you're expecting things, necessarily. It's meant to be fun and every little extra thing is just a fun bonus.

 

It's a monthly payment. As little as £5 a month to join. But I think you can set a limit that's even lower, when you do sign up. So if you've ever gotten anything out of my work, if you've ever appreciated my existence and if £5 won't make a dent in your finances, I highly suggest you join my magnificent fan club.

 

(At the same time, if you're broke - because capitalism is a b i t c h and this government is letting us all down - please don't feel guilty. This is meant to just be a nice, fun thing. I'll keep doing what I have always done, for free.)

 

 

.....

 

 

My September show 'Let's Talk About Therapy' is now up for pre-order. It will be out very soon - my lovely helper is just putting the final touches on the subtitles. It's £5 (but you can, as always, pay whatever you want above that) and it's a whoooole two hour show...!

It's everything I know about trauma, CPTSD, OCD, anxiety... Finding therapists and finding the right therapist and all of that. Lots of stories of weird mental health experiences I've had. It was a lot of fun to do. I really, really like it. You can pre-order it here and stream it the second the goes out:

 

 

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 I released a new show for download and stream!

 

It's called 'But What About Health?' - it's a 90 minute 'funny chat' - 'comedy talk' - talkedy? - about fatness and health. It's full of stories and jokes and most importantly, SCIENCE, to back it all up. Is it unhealthy being fat? I will answer this question. Nuanced and accessible. Funnily. I'm really, really proud of it. I had so much fun researching it and performing it. I really hope you'll buy it and watch it. And if you like it: tell your friends.

 

But first - buy it here for just £5 - and you can, as always, pay more, if you're rich or if you think it's worth it. It has subtitles and it's there in both low res and high res. You can stream it or download it. I'm really, really excited about it.

 

 

 

My podcast Made of Human Podcast is finally being transcribed! In the beginning, we are just transcribing the new episodes, but with time (and money), I will start having the old episodes transcribed too. On the website, you can find all the ones that are already transcribed. I feel like I'm saying the word 'transcribed' too much now, it's losing all its meaning.

 

- Jameela Jamil: I don't need to tell you who this is.

- Payzee Mahmoud: She was a 'child bride' and an amazing person

- Pixie Turner: You know her from Instagram - a fat positive nutritionist!

- Emily Gorcenski: an actual nazi-hunter.

- J./ComfyFat: Super-fat nonbinary activist. And a Scorpio. Dangerous mix.

- Dr. Julia Shaw: Criminal Psychologist.

- Jamie Windust: Nonbinary writer and campaigner.

 

Go listen here!

 

 

 

 

 

Sofie.